I started a new job. My boss said “Hi, my name is Rebecca, but people call me Becky”. I said “My name is Kyle, but people call me Dick”
She said: how do you get dick from kyle?
I replied: you just ask nicely.
Edit: im now looking for a new job :/
Diarrhea is hereditary.
Because it runs in your jeans.
Don’t be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you…
Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
I found an origami porn channel.
But it's paper view only.
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff
ba dum tss
How do you think the unthinkable?
Thteer it thtraight into an itheberg.
My friend told me I have no idea what irony is
Which is ironic, because we were both waiting for the bus.
I made a graph for my past relationships.
It has an ex-axis and a why-axis.
What do Alexander the Great and Kermit the Frog have in common?
Their middle name
βOfficer, are you crying while writing me a ticket?β
Cop: itβs a …..moving violation.
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
I'll let you know.
I bought myself a snail to race other snails..
I took its shell off to see if it would go any faster. If anything it just made it more sluggish
[First day as a rookie cop.]
Me: Dispatch, suspect is dancing down Main street, completely nude. Dispatch: Copy that. Me: Well I'll try but I'm not much of a dancer.
There are 3 unwritten rules in life
1. 2. 3.
An astronaut is the first to step onto an alien planet.
An astronaut is the first to step onto an alien planet. The alien's are so excited that they change all their signs to English, and even rename some of their places and landmarks after Human places and landmarks and things. The astronaut decides the first place he wants to go is a pub. He sees a nearby alien and asks, "where's the pub?" The alien gurgles back but his suit translates to the astronaut in real time. The alien says, "just around the corner!" The astronaut heads around the corner and sees it! It's labelled "The Keyboard" and he asks the bouncer, "Why is it called the Keyboard?" The bouncer replies, "the boss loves all things human and changed his name to reflect that. Ask him, he's the bartender." So the astronaut enters the Keyboard and goes to the bartender. "Excuse me, do you own this pub?" The astronaut says. "I do." The bartender gurgles back. "Why is it called the Keyboard?" The man asks. "Well," the alien gurgles in reply, "since I knew you humans were coming I updated the name!" The astronaut is on the edge of his seat… "The reason it's called the Keyboard is because… it's a space bar."
My mom sent me this one and unironically said it might as well be true nowadays…
https://ift.tt/2PLChDH
Iβm trying to introduce my wife to my Scooby Doo sex fantasy.
I think itβs working, she said we should split up. She went to her parents house and Iβm looking for clues in the garden.
My roommate tried to keep two crows in our apartment as pets.
The cops arrested him for attempted murder.
The Minotaur is really stubborn….
You can say he's bull-headed.
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump!
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?" He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!" Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over. -Emo Philips
I showed my lawyer the damaged remains of my bag and asked him whether I can sue the airline.
He said, βYou donβt seem to have much of a case.β
I could never date a single mum.
Because then they wouldn't be single.
What do we want…? Low altitude flyovers!
When do we want them? NNNNNNEEEEEEOOOOOOOWWWWWW!
Which differential operator requires the strictest boundary conditions?
The Stern- Liouville operator
What do you get when a cow jumps over a barbed wire fence?
An udder disaster
The zip code for Beverly Hills is 90210. This zip code for Dawson’s Creek is 90108…
For my liiifffeee to be oveeeerrrr!
Kidnapping Congress
A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington DC. Nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?" "Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for 100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. "We're going from car to car, collecting donations" The driver asks "How much is everyone giving?" The man replies, "Roughly a gallon"
I always wanted a job estimating crowd sizes.
I wonder how many people are in that field.
Itβs not about reversing an election, the Electoral College already did that
https://ift.tt/32nvrZt
Me: This is my horse, Mayo!
Acquaintance: Why the hell is he called Mayo? Heβs not even white! Mayo: [neighs]