I started lifting with only dictionaries
I wanted to add definition to my muscles
In 2015, none of us got the answer right to
"where do you see yourself in 5 years?"
I can’t take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keeps attacking him.
I guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.
A plateau is the highest form of flattery
No text found
Just spent 6 hours linking all my watches together to make a belt…
It was a complete waist of time…
Where do cyclops’ party?
Eyebiza.
What kind of jokes are allowed in quarantine?
Inside jokes
My wife said she’s only interested in having sex if I dress like The Fonz.
She's ayyyyy sexual.
Why did the bike stop moving?
Because it was two-tired
Imagine Convincing Someone From The Past That These Are Actual Headlines From 2019
https://ift.tt/2NoXPGg
Some people like floors
but I’m more of a ceiling fan
Facebook keeping important infrastructure out of the hands of junior developers
https://ift.tt/2CRGaB3
A woman is cooking eggs in the kitchen when her husband comes running in
Immediately, he sees the eggs and gasps in horror. "Be careful! CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh, my GOSH!" The wife, startled at her husband's violent reaction, dashes to the fridge to get some butter. "You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!" The wife, concerned by the status of her husband's mental state,forgets about the butter and goes running to the eggs. "WE NEED BUTTER! Are you CRAZY??? Where are we going to get the butter? They're going to stick! HURRY!" The wife runs to the fri- "CAREFUL about the eggs! CAREFUL. You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them quickly! Oh not that quickly, don't you know how to cook? Are you insane? Turn the EGGS!" At this point, the wife starts crying, since she has no idea what to do. She gasps, "What is WRONG with you? I know how to cook eggs." The husband simply smiles and replies, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like while I'm driving with you in the car," and leaves.
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high…
She seemed surprised
A woman gets into a car accident. She is airlifted to the hospital.
The woman goes into surgery upon arrival and her husband is immediately called to come to the hospital. On arrival the husband is greeted by the surgeon. " You may want to have a seat" the surgeon says. "I have some bad news and some good news" The husband sits down nervously. "What's the bad news?" "Well" the surgeon says "your wife was involved in a car crash and we had to take her in for major surgery. She is alive but we had to take out a part of her brain to keep her alive. Unfortunately. She is unable to walk or talk anymore and will be unable to do anything independently. She will require 24/7 around the clock care, you will need to quit your job and help your wife eat, use the toilet and help feed her" The husband starts crying frantically. "Omg. What's happened to my life? Please please please. Tell me the good news" The surgeon replies "The good news is. I was joking. She's dead"
A magician escaped a police car chase by entering a neighborhood…
And turning into a driveway.
I think I will start telling my friends about eating dried grapes
It's all about raisin awareness
An African woman called Betty came into the restaurant.
Asked if we had chicken? I replied, “no, black Betty It’s ham or lamb.”
I just spotted an albino Dalmatian.
It was the least I could do.
As a single Dad, I tried flirting with the check-in girl at the airport while loading my kids’ suitcases.
But she just kept saying I had too much baggage.
I have a lot of jokes about unemployed people.
But none of them work
“I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,” my wife screamed at me. “I’m really disappointed.”
“You can hardly blame me,” I answered. “It’s not like I was getting any from you.” “Well that’s your fault,” she replied. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it.”
Happy Get Rid of the Meddlesome Carpenter Day
Happy Get Rid of the Meddlesome Carpenter Day
Son: “Dad I know you’re an English teacher, but can I ask you the date in Roman Numerals?”
Dad: "I think you mean May I"
Why has Japan had so many conflicts and wars?
Because they have lots of animes.
A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma.
6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby. Doc: You had twins, a boy and a girl. They are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you! Woman: Oh god no, not my brother. He is an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doc: Denise. Woman: Well, that is not so bad. What did he call the boy? Doc: Denephew.
TIL: Stephen King has a son named Joe.
I’m not joking, but he is.
I opened a pistachio shell, and there was nothing inside.
Even Mother Nature is participating in No Nut November.
What do you call an angry nut?
A pissed-achio
You shouldn’t see any horror movie today
It May, Fri 10 you
What’s tiny and can be found on the beach?
A Microwave.
How Long is a Chinese name.
No text found
Cable repairman was on my street and asked what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 1pm
Teach a man a joke, and he will laugh for a day.
Teach a redditor a joke, and they will repost it for a lifetime. It's cake and y'all know the rules!
Did you hear about these new reversible jackets?
I’m excited to see how they turn out!
Have You Heard The One About The Sheep?
It's baaad…
I know now why Trump wants to build a wall
It's been years since he managed to erect anything
Did you know diarrhea is hereditary?
It runs in your Jeans.
