I starting wearing depressing outfits
It saves time on laundry, since a lot of the time they hang themselves.
Bob was in trouble
Bob forgot his wedding anniversary and his wife was really pissed. She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I want to see a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
here’s my best COVID-19 joke:
for the first time ever, I'm hoping you all say "I didn't get it"
What do you get when you eat 3.14 slices of cake?
Fat. You get fat. What? Like I would make a pie joke on my cake day?
A Retired Jewish Man Is Walking On The Beach, When He Sees A Bottle In The Sand.
He picks it up and rubs it, and a genie comes out. The genie promises to grant him one wish. The man pulls a crumpled map from his pocket and shows it to the genie. He says, "Peace in the Middle East, that's my wish." The genie studies the map, but looks looks concerned. He hands the map back and says, "I'm sorry, sir. I come from the Middle East myself, and these conflicts have been raging since even before my time. Bringing peace to that region is beyond my powers. Do you have another wish?" The guy thinks and says, "Well, I've been married for forty years, and in my whole life I've never received oral sex from my wife. That would be my wish." The genie pauses for another moment and then says, "Let me see that map again."
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
What’s Gordon Ramsay’s favorite Reddit sub?
IT'S FUCKING r/aww
What did Santa say to Mrs. Claus when he saw a thunderstorm?
Looks like reindeer!!
Will glass coffins be a success???
Remains to be seen.
AND HIS NAME IS JOHN CENA!!!๐ฃ๏ธ๐ฅ๐ฃ๏ธ๐ฅ
AND HIS NAME IS JOHN CENA!!!๐ฃ๏ธ๐ฅ๐ฃ๏ธ๐ฅ
I bought a leather handbag.
Even though I don't own any leather hands.
There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke.
After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started. The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said, โGood morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of whores in India?โ With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door. โWait, ladies,โ cried the professor, โThe boat doesn't leave until tomorrow!โ
What does Donald Trumps hair have in common with a thong?
They both barely cover the asshole
We must popularise the Howie style labcoat!!!
To start I post this here because itโs the only place I could find that would have a hight scientist reader base an not required required it to be a scientific paper but here we goThey are safer that standard lab coats as the protect more of the bodyThey are more sanitary! minimising contact between your clothing and possible pathogens as well as chemicalsThey look 100% cooler, lab coats are cool but the Howie pattern is fuckin awesome, it also looks way more sci-fi, and if weโre gonna be living in the future might as well look it
Teaching my 3 month baby girl C++, wanna make sure she gets OOP by the time she talks.
https://ift.tt/32pWaG8
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery.
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a very strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, The same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, and again fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. "If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?" The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles, when you find these numbers, you will become a monk." The man sets about his task. Some 54 years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says," I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth". The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound". The monks lead the man to a wooden door where the head monk says, "The sound is right behind that door". The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, "Real funny. May I have the key?" The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire, And so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst. Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door". The man is relieved to know that he has finally reached to the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound. But he can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
They say you are what you eat.
Well, today I bought some ready to eat chicken, and sure enough, when I got home I was ready to eat chicken.
Me: You made a mean cup of coffee!
Her: So, you like it? Me: I just told you it was average.
I love jokes about the eyes.
The cornea the better
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you.
You have my Word!
Her: Do you think our kids are spoiled?
Me: No. I think most of them smell that way.
A necrophiliac walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says “What’s your pleasure?”.
He replies "I'd love to have a cold one."
My father in law did well tonight.
NSFW At a restaurant tonight FIL: What do you call nuts on a wall? Everyone:…. FIL:Walnuts! Everyone:groan…. FIL:What do you call nuts in a chest? Everyone:… FIL:CHESTNUTS!! Everyone:… FIL:What do you call nuts on a chin?? Everyone:… FIL:A blowjob!! Everyone:Oh god no…. I'm so proud of him.
I hate how funerals are always at 9 or 10 am
I'm really not a mourning person.
What’s a cop’s favorite type of sweater?
A pullover.
3 men arrive at the pearly gates and they see Peter. Peter says we donโt have much space in heaven so weโre taking in people who experienced the worst death
First guy go. โI was walking down the hall of my 27th floor apartment building and I suspected my wife was cheating on me. I rushed through the door shouting where is he!? I looked everywhere while my wife was trying to tell me no one is here. Then I found him. Hanging off the ledge my balcony. I started stomping his hands until he fell. He survived by landing in the bushes but I picked up our fridge and threw it down on top of him and it killed him. Due to all the excitement I had a heart attack and died.โ Peter was interested, second guy go. โI was doing pull-ups off the ledge of my 28th floor balcony when I slipped and by some miracle caught the balcony below me and hanged on. I was about to scream for help when a crazed man started stomping on my hands and I ended up falling into the bushes below. I once again survived only to find that now a fridge was about to land on me. It was too late to move so I died.โ Peter was shocked but wanted to hear the thirds story. Third guy go. โI was having sex with another mans wife when we heard he was almost home. He was getting closer to the door and his wife said โQuick hide in the fridge!โ
The last thing my grandfather said before he died was โItโs worth it to spend money on good speakers.โ
That was some sound advice.
My daughter thinks Iโm overprotective and nosy
At least thatโs what she wrote in her diary.
My wife said that I act like a detective too much and that she wants to split up.
I told her good idea, we can cover more ground that way.
Siri kept on calling me Shirley today
I was beginning to get annoyed about it but then I realised I'd left my phone in Airplane mode.
Tell the Punchline first.
How do you ruin a joke?
One day, legendary musician Sting becomes bored of music, and decides to try his luck at day trading.
He does a few online courses and begins trading. On the first day Sting loses some money, but learns from it, and unpertrubed by the small losses he continues with it. On the second day, Sting loses a bit less, and learns even more. Happy with the results, he decides to sink some more money in his newfound hobby and sticks with it. On the third day, Sting manages a huge profit and decides to reward himself with an expensive Rolls Royce. With his newfound love of trading stocks, Sting decides to put even more of his money into trading, and continues on with it. On the fourth day, high on the previous day's earnings, Sting buys a large amount of unstable stock, putting most of his wealth into it, sure that it is a good wager.ย The following day a huge news story breaks of embezzlement in the company Sting invested in and its stock drops, losing the musician a huge amount of his money. The following week, he hears a large car pulling into his driveway, and he exits his house to see what this was about. In his driveway he sees a tow truck hooking up to his brand new Rolls Royce, about to be repossessed. "What is going on?" He shouts at the driver and as the driver turns around, he reveals himself to be a Buddhist monk. "A monk?" Sting asks surprisedly. "Why would you be working for a repossession company?" "Well," the monk begins. "You won't believe the amount of karma you can get for repo, Sting."
WHAT DO WE WANT?! Low flying airplane noises! WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?!
Neeeeeeeeeeeooowwwwwwwwwww.
Have you ever tried to eat a clock?
Itโs really time consuming.
HOW TO HAVE SEX WHILE ON LOCKDOWN WITH THE KIDS IN THE HOUSE.
The only way to pull off a lockdown afternoon 'quickie' with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the street activities. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation: 'There's a car being towed from the car park,' he shouted. 'An ambulance just drove by!' 'Looks like the Andersons have company,' he called out. 'Matt's out on his bike and his mum is telling him off' 'Looks as if the Sanders are going into full isolation!' 'Jason has had his skate board taken off him After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having sex!!' Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out, 'How do you know they're having sex?' 'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar' EDIT: HATERS GONNA HATE; REPOSTERS GONNA REPOST. I LOVE YโALL!
I got my best friend a fridge for her birthday
I canโt wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
Iron Man is FeMale
Refer to the periodic table of elements with questions.
What does a magician say when hiding a dead body?
Abracadaver!