I stayed up all night trying to figure out why the sun disappears…
…then it dawned on me.
What is Beethovenβs favorite fruit?
A ba-na-na-naaaa.
Did you hear about the atheist charity?
It was a non-prophet organization!
“Why are you telling me this story about a male hen?” I asked the bartender, confused.
He just looked at me and replied, "You asked for a cock tale, sir."
Don’t you HATE it when people Capitalize words sTrAnGeLy?
I guess shift happens.
I was having anal sex with my GF…
I was having anal sex with my girlfriend and suddenly her dad barged through the door and she screamed "Dad, I'm sorry!" Then he turned to me and asked, "Are you fucking Sorry?"
Conservatives would have cheered for rise of The Empire and the fall of Liberty.
https://ift.tt/2ZoEPvJ
A guy says to his buddy, “I’m thinking about buying a labrador.”
His pal warns, "That might not be such a good idea. Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion?
One electron.
I got fired from my job at the bank today.
An old woman came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
I Don’t Understand Why People Have Been Hating On The Police.
Roxanne is a really good song.
I’m a social vegan.
I avoid meet.
Last Name Only
The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. βWhatβs your name?β he asked the new guy. βJohn,β the new guy replied. The manager scowled, βLook… I donβt know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I donβt call anyone by his or her first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only … Smith, Jones, Baker .β¦ Thatβs all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, whatβs your last name?β The new guy sighed, βDarling. My name is John Darling.β βOkay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . .β
A dyslexic man walked into a bra
No text found
My dad always said I loved alphabet soup growing up.
But really it was just him putting words in my mouth.
I donβt always tell dad jokes
But when I do he laughs
Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster?
So we can think of a solution in silence.
Did you hear they changed the font of alphabet soup?
Now it is Times New Ramen
My wife told me, βDonβt get upset if someone calls you fat.β
βYouβre much bigger than that.β
I wa robbed by six dwarves today.
Not Happy.
And for my next trick, I will dissapear
Fuck you pear, you taste like shit
What do you get when you mix 50% human DNA with 50% goat DNA?
Kicked out of the petting zoo.
What did they say about the couple who had the same shoe size?
They were sole mates
My wife says if this post gets over 1000 upvotes, I can get anal.
Please upvote because I want this house to be spotless.
When do you go at red and stop at green?
When youβre eating a watermelon.
I took my new gun out to the range, but couldnβt make it work.
Now I have to read the trouble shooting section of the manual.
I take Viagra for my sun burn…
It doesn't cure it, but it keeps the sheets off my legs when I sleep. Obligatory: Thank you for the silver and gold, kind strangers! My first awards ever.
Thank you student loans for getting me through college.
I donβt think Iβll ever be able to repay you.
In the English language, the word “pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis” has the most number of syllables at 19.
This narrowly beats out the runner-up, "Gloria" (18 syllables). Source: Catholic Exchange Note: full disclosure, I heard this absolutely glorious (hah!) joke years ago, but when I was retelling it earlier thought of another way to set it up. It's just a grand coincidence that that word in the OP I can barely understand had only one more syllable than "Gloria".
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
I got fired from my job at the bank today
An old lady asked me to check her balance – so I pushed her over
Your Girlfriend Is Pregnant !
Guy: But doctor that can't be right. We use condoms everytime we have sex. Doctor: Well, the test result would suggest otherwise. Maybe the condom broke? Guy: No I'm sure it didn't. Doctor: Alright then. Let me tell you a story. A guy was wandering in the forest where he encountered a tiger. The tiger looked really ferocious and the guy knew that he was doomed. Cornered, the guy then points his umbrella's tip at the tiger and shouts Bang at the tiger. The tiger died. Guy: That can't be right. Someone else must have shot the tiger. Doctor: Exactly.
Whatβs the difference between a hot potato and a flying pig.
Oneβs a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham.
I once worked with a very musically talented Jamaican
I once worked with a very musically talented Jamaican who, after years of auditions for various instruments, got a gig in the local orchestra playing the triangle- not his first choice. One day he came in super stressed looking. I said βWhatβs up…can't handle the pressure of performing on stage?β He says, "You have no idea mon, I be responsible for every ting."
I sent my wife a picture of my flaccid penis.
Just to let her know I was thinking of her.
A woman was sitting at her dead husband’s funeral.
A man leans toward her and asks, "Do you mind if I say a word?" "No, go ahead," replies the woman. The man stands, clears his throat, and says, "Plethora," then sits back down. "Thanks," says the woman, "that means a lot."
I was using ancestry.com and I found out that my great grandfather was from Transylvania.
Now I canβt even look myself in the mirror.
I got arrested for illegally downloading Wikipedia in its entirety
…before I got arrested I said "wait I can explain everything
Today I bumped into the guy who had sold me an antique globe.
Itβs a small world.