I stayed up all night trying to think of a joke.
And then it dawned on me.
What’s the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?
Anyone can mash potatoes.
Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7 8.
I’ve just discovered that I have a logic fetish
I can't stop coming to conclusions
There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator
only a fraction of people will get this joke
I wondered where my boomerang was after i threw it
and then it hit me
BREAKING NEWS!! .. Man hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his ass
Doctors describe his condition as stable
My son’s nursery school just bought some brand new air fresheners…
It's a day care scenter.
I bought my wife a Pug as a present.
Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes and rolls of fat, the dog seems to like her.
What do you call a farm when none of the cows give milk?
An udder disaster.
A man goes to the Super Bowl but his tickets are for the upper tier. He spots an open seat on the 50-yard line and grabs it.
The guy sitting next to him says, “Actually, this seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven’t been together since we got married in 1967.” “I’m sorry to hear that,” says the first man. “Couldn’t you find a friend or relative to come with you?” “Nope,” replies the second guy. “Everyone’s at the funeral.”
For anyone attending Stan Lee’s funeral…
Make sure you stay after the ceremony is finished.
Christmas is the present holiday.
(Yes, that's a pun.)
“Well just tell your mother we ate it all…” – Jim’s Dad
“Well just tell your mother we ate it all…” – Jim’s Dad
I was going to put a vegetable joke in here
But you don't carrot all. That was corny. Don't beet yourself up about it. This is below my celery. Lettuce go our seperate ways.
Imagine a woman with 12 breasts.
Sounds weird, dozen tit?
My wife complains that I don’t buy her flowers.
To be honest, I didn’t know she sold flowers.
Two men are sitting on a park bench
And a stray dog comes along and sits down next to them. Then the dog starts licking his balls. The men watch for a moment and one says "Gosh, I wish I could do that." The other says "Well, you'd better pet him a little first."
My doctor said I was going deaf.
Haven't heard from him since.
Mountains aren’t just funny…
They're… hill areas.
Did you know the first French fries weren’t made in France?
They were made in Greece
If you hit Dwayne Johnson’s ass
Does it mean you hit rock bottom
“I love you loads, honey pie.” My wife said earlier.
“And I love you tons.” I replied. “What, no nickname for me?” She asked, disappointed. Sometimes I swear the fat cow’s going deaf.
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they're so damn good at it.
A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.
Embarrassed, and to spare her young daughters innocence, the mother turns around and says “Don’t worry that was just an insect”. To which her daughter replies “I’m surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that”
May the 4th be with you for today, but remember….
Tomorrow will be Revenge of the 5th
Last night my girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed…
2 minutes later she told me all the charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.
I thought my Haitian friend was finally going to show me zombies…
but it was actually just 'some bees'
I dreamed about a color once, but when I woke up I realized it wasn’t real.
It was a pigment of my imagination.
why did the can-crusher quit it’s job?
because it was soda-pressing!
A woman starts to scream while giving birth.
"What's wrong, honey?" her husband asks. "What's wrong?!?" the woman shouts, "THESE CONTRACTIONS ARE GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF ME!" "Sorry babe. What is wrong?"
One Day a Cowboy Rode into Town
He tied up his horse and entered a saloon When he exited the saloon, he found his horse missing The cowboy shouted, "I'm going to go inside for another drink, when I'm done, my horse better be returned. If not, I'll do what I did back in Texas." The cowboy went back inside the bar, got a drink, and returned to find his horse. As he saddled up, a man approached him and asked, "Out of curiosity, what did you do back in Texas?" The cowboy responded, "I had to walk home." P.S. Sorry
What do you call a bankrupt Santa?
Saint Nickel-less!
Do you know why Superman is the king of all thieves?
It's because he is the man of steel. One of my students told me he made this up and I couldn't be more proud.
My wife says she can usually tell when our baby is pooping because he’s laughing so much.
I guess he just has a self defecating sense of humor.
Girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic…
But if I’m gonna have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Nine ants were kicked out of the apartment complex
Because they were not tenants.
The other day I took my Grandma to one of those spas where the little fish eat your dead skin
It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery