I suggested to my wife that we make some Indian bread for a group dinner appetizer.
It was a total naan starter.
How does that even happen?!
My wife found out I was cheating after she found all the letters I had hidden.
She went crazy and said she won't play Scrabble with me again
Police officer: “I’m here to inform you that your son burned down the school”
Parents: "arson?" Police officer: "yes, your son"
Why did the student not learn anything at Sandpaper Class?
The class had just scratched the surface!
My daughter asks me all the time “Daddy, can you put my shoes on?”
“No, I don't think they'll fit me.” Is my go to answer. Bless her she still laughs and says “silly daddy”. She’s 3 🙂
What do you call 8 hobbits?
The “sexist Bernie” smears are getting old.
Logical move, Billy Bob
Pigeons playing chess
Does this count as a programming meme?
Here’s to another lousy decade
I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader.
The look on his face was priceless.
It really Sucks, man
How did this go so under the radar?
The orange makeover
Made on iPhone
their chemistry is irreversible
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline becomes apparent. When does the punchline become apparent? After the delivery.
This whole webtoon is boomer humor
You haven’t tried the delicious Bacon-Liver-Anchovy sandwich?
You're missing gout.
I finally have a girlfriend
Now I wish I could post it on an other subreddit
Hey Jack what are ya mixing there? Wait what?
Don’t know if already made
It’s only funny because it’s true
If I had a DeLorean…
I’d probably only drive it from time to time…
Some practical advice when self-isolating and watching news all day…
Same day delivery
so what’s your choice?
512 people would be more odd won’t it?
Ban pre shredded cheese.
Make America grate again!
My wife treats me as if I’m a god.
She acts like I don't exist until she wants something.
If there’s one thing that makes me throw up.
It’s a dart board on a ceiling.
For a good time go bowling
A woman was having sex with her husbands best friend when her phone rang and her husband's name appeared on the ID. As she answered the call, her lover jumped out of bed and began to dress in a hurry. "relax" she said after she hung up the phone. He was just calling to tell me that he'd be home late because he's out bowling with you.
## CreateMeme is a function which, when called, creates a meme
A Roman walks into a bar…
and holds up two fingers exclaiming "Five beers please!"…
How do you drown a hipster?
You throw him into the mainstream.
Zippity zappity stop that fappity
It’s safe to vote by mail.
A woman is sitting at her deceased husband’s funeral. A man asks “do you mind if I say a word” “no, go right ahead” the woman replies. The man stands, clears his throat, says…
Why are monks so good at protesting?
The more ohms you have, the greater the resistance…
Manager: You just need to add this one small functionality.
What’s the advantage of living in Switzerland?
Well, the flag is a big plus.
Electronic configuration, I’m looking at you.
When you say the word “poop”
your mouth moves just like your butt-hole does when you poop. The same is true for "explosive diarrhea".
Doctorate in Googling
What a happy ending.
My wife recommended I do some light reading to relax at the end of the day
Not really relaxing, as my eyes are in pain, but I managed to make out, "60 Watts – Made in China."
Latency? Never heard of it
Set Reminder For 2030
Silly vegetables have a better grasp on economics than the GOP
The store near me is having a sale on batteries.
If you buy two packs, they'll throw in a pack of dead ones, free of charge.
My boss said to me, “You are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?”
I said, “I’m not sure. It’s so hard to keep track.”
Did I ever tell you about the girl that only ate plants?
I can't believe I never mentioned herbivore.
What do you call a werewolf youtuber?
Phone bad when driving
seems like it
To be Frank
I’d have to change my name
I broke 2 fingers on my right hand today
On the other hand everything is OK. Happy Fathers Day everybody
My girlfriend and I decided to get married
My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me—it was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else. One day her “little” sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn’t say a word. She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.” I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight for the door I opened the door, and sprinted towards my vehicle. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.” Moral of the story? Always keep the condoms in the car
Standing on office chairs.
No text found
Two monks are setting up a sign in front of their monastery
The sign reads ”Beware! The End is near! Turn around now before it is too late!" A car full of atheists drives by at full speed, and the atheists yell at the monks "Go fuck yourselves you lame ass religious nuts!" Suddenly there's a sound of screeching tires, terrified screams and a splash! The first monk looks at the second monk and says "Brother, do you think the sign should just say 'Bridge Out'?”
A guy has been accused in our town for murdering people by hitting them with a cement bag.
However the police still don't have any concrete evidence against him.
The opposite of Microsoft Office is…
I have a hard time falling asleep.
It's much easier to fall when I'm awake.
This is our president
My wife to our son, “Go brush your teeth with your sister”
Me from the other room, "No, use a toothbrush".
And yet, here we are.