“I swear, I’m kicking you out of the house if you don’t stop singing Christmas music.”
But, baby, it’s cold outside!
It was about a weak back
For supporting me. My arms, for always being by my side. And my fingers, I could always count on them.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
The motion was passed.
what does smoking Marijuana do?
P. Without it they're irate.
and now I'm the proud owner of aisle 4.
An ambulance. You call him an ambulance.
It shall romaine nameless.
But it turned out to just be a pyramid scheme…
To cover their butt quacks.
My wife: I can’t stand living with him. He’s too literal. Me: My truck.
She discriminates against other cultures.
Dad: No, have you seen my dadglasses?
That's not funny.
I replied, " No, is that still required?"
He was so full of himself.
The boy’s dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled “Ass!” And the boy heard…
(This might be a repost, but my friend told me it and I thought it was funny.) The boy's dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled "Ass!" And the boy heard… "Daddy, what does ass mean?" "It means… beard." Downstairs, the boys older sister was hanging coats on their coat rack, then accidentally stubbed her toe. She was so surprised she yelled "Shit!" And the boy heard… "Big sis, what does shit mean?" "It means… coat." In their living room, the boy saw someone on the TV say angrily "Bitches and bastards!" And the boy heard… "Auntie, what does bitches and bastards mean?" "It means… boys and girls. In their kitchen, the boy's mom was cooking a turkey, then accidentally burnt herself. She was so surprised she yelled "Fuck!" And the boy heard… "Mom, what does fuck mean?" "It means… cook." The boy knew that company was coming over, so he opened the door for them. He said, "Good afternoon bitches and bastards! You can go hang your shits on the shit rack and come in! Dad's shaving his ass and mom's fucking the turkey."
Water, to cool him down.
My dad died last year when my family couldn’t remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him
As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him
That when you put it in a girl her immune system tries to fight it.
I just don't see it myself
Nun: "Doctor, you can't be serious – I haven't had sex with a man even once in my entire life! I am saving myself for God!" Doc: "Sorry, but the tests show undoubtedly that you are pregnant…" Nun leaves the doctor in anger and bursts back into church shouting: "Ok, who in the name of the God HAD CUM ONTO THE CANDLES!!!"
"No idea, they just ransomware."
Where’d the Van Gogh?
I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?" He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
To beat the crowds.
I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.
I debated a flat earther once. He stormed off saying he’d walk to the edge of the Earth to prove me wrong.
He’ll come around, eventually.
National Dyslexia Association
Bartender says "Wrong joke, yours is across the road"
Trump in a low whisper to his chief of staff: “I thought I paid that bill already.”
Because he was ostrich sized
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