I switched all the labels on my wife’s spices.
I'm not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
My wife is pregnant and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at childbirth before….
I replied, "Yes just once." The doctor asked, "What was it like?" I said, "It was dark, then suddenly very bright."
When does a joke become a Dad joke?
When it's full groan.
If I had a dollar for every time I got distracted
I wish I had a pony.
Just a random thought
Just a random thought
What does orange juice and my dad have in common?
They both slap harder when mixed with alcohol.
I dialed a suicide hotline in Iraq
They got all excited and asked me if I could drive a truck
Chuck Norris caught the coronavirus
but later decided to let it go.
A New Yorker, a Nebraskan, a Georgian, and a Floridian were driving to Vegas…
After a few hours in the car, the Nebraskan suddenly rolls down his window, opens his bag, and starts chucking corn out the window. "What are you doing that for?", the others exclaim. "Back in Nebraska, everywhere I look I see corn. I'm going on vacation and I don't want to see any corn for a couple weeks." The Georgian replies, "you know what? You're right; I'm sick of seeing peaches all over Georgia. I don't know why I brought them with me." He opens his window and dumps his bag of peaches out. The Floridian, feeling inspired, opens the door and kicks the New Yorker out.
Did you know a piranha can devour a human child to the bone in 30 seconds?
Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today.
I got a grandmother in her 90’s and she still doesn’t need glasses
she just drinks straight out of the bottle.
Three dinosaurs stumble across a magic lamp.
They rub it, and a genie appears. "I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces. The first dinosaur thinks hard. "Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat." Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appears in front of him. Not to be outdone, the second dinosaur thinks even harder. "I know! I'll have a shower of meat!" Immediately, huge pieces of meat rain down around him. The third dinosaur, certainly not to be outdone, thinks harder than the previous dinosaurs. "I've got it!" he cries, "I want a MEATIER shower!"
When I die I want all the people I’ve ever worked with on group projects to lower me in the ground,
So they can let me down one last time.
“What did the leper say to the prostitute after sex?”
"Keep the tip."
Balls..
A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, but the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, "Ah, Señor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A real delicacy!" The cowboy said, "What the heck, bring me an order." The waiter replied, "I am so sorry, Señor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy." The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday." The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Señor. Sometimes the bull wins."
I sent my wife a picture of my flaccid penis.
Just to let her know I was thinking of her.
Which country has the fastest growing capital?
Ireland. It's Dublin every year.
My boss told me to have a good afternoon…
so I went home.
What’s one vegetable you should NEVER bring on a boat?
LEEKS. (my 10yo told me this – he said he thought it up himself.)
Why do people in Athens hate getting up early?
Because Dawn is tough on Greece.
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high
She seemed surprised
I asked a girl to rate me out of 10 the other day
She said "you're an 8 on a scale of 10" I still don't understand why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton
So I woke up to a blowjob this morning
It's the last time I sleep on the train with my mouth open
Time flies when you’re throwing watches…
No text found
From my 9yo. How do you tell someone was cutting wood?
You saw-dust. (There were exaggerated winks after. And a elbow to the ribs. It was glorious)
The recipe said, “Put the stew in at 180 degrees” , so I did…
Now it's all over the bottom of the oven…
What did God say after he separated the light from the darkness?
I think I'll call it a day.
Why does Batman wear dark colors? Thats easy, Batman doesent want to get shot. Why does Robin wear bright colors?
Thats easy… Batman doesent want to get shot.
Why are there a ton of Religious Holidays but no Science Holidays?
Because science works.
I just watched a movie about graphs, and it was really disappointing.
The plot was predictable, and the special f(x) was terrible.
If you don’t know what to give your friend as a birthday present,
just give them a fridge, and watch their face light up as they open it.
Why can’t Usain Bolt listen to music while running?
Because he keeps breaking the record.
Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous.
I see a few new faces here this week and I must say I’m disappointed.
Where did the Terminator find toilet paper?
Aisle B, Back