I switched all the labels on my wife’s spices.
I'm not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
It's always been so supportive.
It scares the shit out of the dog.
I will be in my Lab if you need me.
So I offered to lend him a hand
This phenomenon is known as many paws
When all the animals cleared out, only a pair of confused looking snakes remained. “Didn’t you hear me? Go forth and multiply!” Said Noah, annoyed. “We can’t” replied one of the snakes. “We’re adders”.
Because you can’t see in the dark
He takes the art out of rap artist
Fruit of the tomb
I guess there’s no need to try pot roast.
One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?" The other says "No"
Thesaurus: I can give you more than one example.
But I can't see myself wearing it
Son: I’m really gonna miss you, Dad. The dad, with his dying breath, utters, “Hi Really Gonna Miss You, I’m Dad.” A single tear rolls down the son’s cheek
Her face lit up when I proposed
…for Ash Wednesday.
The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
No strings attached.
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, orders a drink and while he’s drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them, grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole…
The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?” The guy says, “No, what?” “He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” says the bartender. “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight. I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff.” He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he’s in the bar again and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. “Did you see what your monkey did now?”, he asks. “Now what?”, responds the patron. “Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!” says the barkeeper. “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!”
Because it's not stroganoff.
A lot of black people would try to mug me
He was outstanding in his field.
I replied "Window or you'll what ?"
Because they make up everything!
The Japanese are just loli-gagging.
I'm calling it "making the little things count"
Once on Hiroshima and once on Nagasaki
Because he did not want to be spotted
1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda. 2nd woman: Hi! I'm Lynne. How'd you die? 1st woman: I Froze to Death. 2nd woman: How Horrible! 1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? 2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV. 1st woman: So, what happened? 2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died. 1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer… we'd both still be alive.
r/NASAmemesFeel free to join if you’re interested!
Check the news, The bullet is in critical condition
It's my new year's resolution.