I switched all the labels on my wife’s spices.
I'm not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
My wife uses a whole bottle of dishwasher every time she washes the dishes at night.
Another day, another Dawn.
My son said I’m not funny
"That's right," I answered. "I'm Dad."
Finland have just closed their borders….
Which means no one can cross the finish line.
What does a turtle do on their birthday?
They shellabrate
What is the difference between a unicorn and a carrot?
One is a funny beast and the other is a bunny feast.
A teenage boy and a teenage girl are in a relationship, and it was going rather smoothly. . .
. . . The girl asked eventually told the boy that if he would come over for dinner, meet her parents, and make a good impression, that she would reward him by making whoopee with him. He was pretty excited for the first time, so, being a responsible young man, he immediately went down to his local pharmacy to buy some condoms. But, since it was his first time, he didn't know what kind to buy, so he asked the pharmacist for help. The pharmacist spent a good hour discussing the different types of condoms, what they do, etc. He then asked the boy what his choice was. To which the boy responded, "Well, since it's my first time, I'm try the family pack." The pharmacist rang it up for him, and the boy left, excited. Finally, the big night arrived. The boy was very nervous, but he was determined to make a good impression on the girl's parents. Everyone sat down for dinner, and the mother said, "Let us bow our heads and thank the good Lord for this meal." Everyone bowed their heads and said grace. When they were finished, everyone looked up . . . except the boy. He continued to bow his head and mumble in prayer. After a solid twenty minutes, the girl tapped him on the leg and whispered, "I never knew you were so religious." The boy whispered back, "I never knew your father was a pharmacist!"

Do you remember Limewire? You might have ruined your parents computer but it was worth it
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0kSU9d-PfMY
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck
I just got into a car accident!
The other driver got out of his car, and turns out he was a dwarf. He ran up to me and exclaimed "I'm not happy!" So I said, "Well, which one are you then?"
If shotgun slugs are inside shotgun shells…
Does that make them shotgun snails?
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent
Why doesn’t the Lorax go to Vietnam?
Because the trees can speak for themselves
It’s okay if your phone autocorrects ‘fuck’ to ‘duck’
You’re still using fowl language.
Wife just opened the car door for me..
..would have been a nice gesture had we not been driving at 60mph
father: how are your grades son?
📷 son: underwater, dad father: underwater? what do you mean? son: they're below C level
A nihilist, a socialist, and a neo-marxist walk into a bar and order drinks.
"We don't sell alcohol to anyone under 18", says the bartender.
When is a Dad joke not a Dad joke.
When it's told by a Catholic Priest. Then it's a Father joke.
What did the drummer call his daughters?
Anna 1, Anna 2, Anna 3
A man gets “I love you” tattooed on his penis.
He goes home and tears his pants off, eager to show his girlfriend. She looks at him and shakes her head saying "there you go again trying to put words in my mouth".

Why is this so easy? (X-Post from r/harrypottermemes u/themagiclady, link in the comments)
https://ift.tt/31oljPB
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon.
I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
A wife is speaking to her husband…
Wife: I have a bag full of used clothing I’d like to donate. Husband: why not just throw it in the trash? That’s much easier. Wife: but there are poor starving people who could really use all of these clothes. Husband: honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starving.
I have a fear of over-designed buildings.
I have a complex complex complex.
Two books meet in a Library. One says ‘ You don’t look too well ‘ and the other replies..
… Just had my Appendix removed.
A little boy asked his mother one day…
"Mother, is god a man or a woman?" Mother thought about it, all the debates and political correctness and works… And replied "both". The boy went away in deep thoughts for a while and came back. "Mother, is god black or white?" She thought of the history and racial politics and stuff and replied "both". The boy again in deep thoughts went away for a while and came back. "Mother, is god gay or straight?" She thought of that aspect and replied "both". The little boy jumped with joy and exclaimed "I got it! I got it! It's Michael Jackson!" Note – It's not my joke, only sharing.
Two scientists walk into a bar.
The first man says “I’ll have H2O please.” The bartender replies “Sure thing, and you?” The second man says “I’ll have H2O aswell please.” The bartender turns around and mutters to himself “Dammit, I’ll get him next time.”
A little boy goes to his father and asks…
"Daddy, how was I born?" The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat group on FaceBook. Then I set up a date via Tinder with your Mom and we met at a Starbucks, because of the free wifi. We sneaked into the rest room, where your mother agreed to do a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a VPN, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said: "You've Got Male!"
Me: dear Ouji board, is this house haunted?
Ouji board: M Y B R O T H E R H A S A L W A Y S B E E N M O R E P O P U L A R T H A N M E. Me: damnit, this is a Luigi board
What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter?
An Irrelephant.
My therapist said I should identify the people in my life that have hurt me, write letters to them explaining what they did and then burn them.
I feel so much better but I don't know what to do with all these letters.
Ordered a Stud Finder on Amazon and forgot to give them a shipping address.
Still made it to my door.
Personally, I don’t believe in bros before hoes, or hoes before bros. There needs to be a balance.
A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.
Did you hear the one about Oedipus and Midas?
It was motherfucking gold.
A truck loaded with Vicks Vaporub overturned on the highway
Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours
I’m secretly a really cool person, but I can’t let anyone know.
I'm incogneato.
Two cartoonists fought each other to death and the police are investigating
The details are pretty sketchy and the reports are saying it ended in a draw
I haven’t had sex since 1956
A woman asked an Army General when the last time he had made love to a woman. The general replied "1956, ma'am." The woman, in disbelief said "1956?! That long? Come with me and let me make your night better." The woman and general went back to her apartment and made passionate love for over an hour. Afterwards, the woman cuddled up to the general and said "Well, you sure haven't forgotten anything since 1956…" The general looked at her, confused, and replied "I sure hope not, it's only 2130 now."
I hate my job.
My job is so fucking unbelievable. I'll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with: First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless. The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on makeup. She is extremely self-centered and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself. She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe. The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet. Her career opportunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10. I'm not sure she even showers, much less shaves her "womanly" parts. I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store, she moans like a cat in heat. But the jewel of the crowd has got to be the fucking stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead. In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I'm sure after work. He probably hasn't been sober anytime in the last ten years, and he's only 22. He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960's, and to make things worse, he brings his big fucking dog to work. Every fucking day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke. Hell, sometimes I even think it's trying to talk with its constant bellowing. Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonalds and Burger King, every single fucking day. Anyway, I drive these fucktards around in my van and we solve mysteries and shit.
Justice is a dish best served cold
If it were served warm, it would be justwater.