I switched all the labels on my wife’s spices.
I'm not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Do you want to know why I love this floor?
It's always been so supportive.
Who don’t blind people go skydiving?
It scares the shit out of the dog.
Hello everyone! I’m a scientist and I am researching bestiality between humans and dogs.
I will be in my Lab if you need me.
A cannibal at the office had trouble finding his lunch…
So I offered to lend him a hand
When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of cats.
This phenomenon is known as many paws
When Noah reached land, he threw open the ark doors and said, “Go forth and multiply”.
When all the animals cleared out, only a pair of confused looking snakes remained. “Didn’t you hear me? Go forth and multiply!” Said Noah, annoyed. “We can’t” replied one of the snakes. “We’re adders”.
Why is dark spelled with a k and not with a c?
Because you can’t see in the dark
R Kelly is really changing the rap game
He takes the art out of rap artist
What type of underwear does Lara Croft wear?
Fruit of the tomb
I just found out there’s no popcorn in popcorn shrimp
I guess there’s no need to try pot roast.
Two cannibals are eating Amy Schumer
One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?" The other says "No"
Dictionary to Thesaurus: When are you ever better than me?
Thesaurus: I can give you more than one example.
I just bought a new blindfold
But I can't see myself wearing it
A dad is lying on his deathbed with his son standing over him
Son: I’m really gonna miss you, Dad. The dad, with his dying breath, utters, “Hi Really Gonna Miss You, I’m Dad.” A single tear rolls down the son’s cheek
I put LEDs on her engagement ring
Her face lit up when I proposed
Avengers: Infinity War is the perfect holiday movie…
…for Ash Wednesday.
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married…
The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
Did you know Tampax gives away slightly defective tampons for free?
No strings attached.
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, orders a drink and while he’s drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them, grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole…
The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?” The guy says, “No, what?” “He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” says the bartender. “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight. I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff.” He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he’s in the bar again and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. “Did you see what your monkey did now?”, he asks. “Now what?”, responds the patron. “Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!” says the barkeeper. “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!”
Why can’t you use “Beef stew” as a password?
Because it's not stroganoff.
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me racist…
A lot of black people would try to mug me
Why did the scarecrow get an award?
He was outstanding in his field.
The girl at the Delta Airlines check-in desk said “Window or Aisle” ?
I replied "Window or you'll what ?"
What Do You Call Slutty Potatoes?
Tater Thots
Why shouldn’t you trust atoms?
Because they make up everything!
During a war, Communists are Russian
The Japanese are just loli-gagging.
I’m starting a charity about teaching maths to midgets…
I'm calling it "making the little things count"
It’s a little known fact that chuck Norris was dropped twice as a child
Once on Hiroshima and once on Nagasaki
Why did Waldo wear stripes?
Because he did not want to be spotted
Two ladies talking in heaven
1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda. 2nd woman: Hi! I'm Lynne. How'd you die? 1st woman: I Froze to Death. 2nd woman: How Horrible! 1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? 2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV. 1st woman: So, what happened? 2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died. 1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer… we'd both still be alive.
r/NASAmemes is a new subreddit for space and NASA memes!
r/NASAmemesFeel free to join if you’re interested!
This morning Chuck Norris was shot
Check the news, The bullet is in critical condition
I’ve decided that from January 1st, I’m only going to watch things that are 1080p and above.
It's my new year's resolution.
