I switched pens in Kyle’s Gouache set [OC]
I threw a boomerang a few years ago..
I now live in constant fear.
The Pope and Donald Trump are standing in front of a large crowd.
The Pope says to Trump, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!” Trump replies, “I seriously doubt that, with one wave of your hand? Show me!” So the Pope slapped him.
I got fired from my last job even though I always gave 100%.
Apparently that’s not how you grade exams.
This morning at breakfast, my dad looked at us very seriously and said, “It hurts me when I say this..”
..”But I have a sore throat.”
Remember when plastic surgery was taboo?
Now if you mention Botox, no one even raises an eyebrow.
Someone Stole My Anti-Depressants
Someone Stole My Anti-Depressants
Why did Mozart kill all his chickens?
Because when he asked them who the best composer was, they'd all say "Bach bach bach!"
I decided to learn sign language.
It’s surprisingly very handy.
The first time I saw foot porn, I didn’t like it
So after a while I decided to give it another try, and it wasn’t half bad. I guess I got off on the wrong foot
What do you call an Irishman that bounces off walls?
Rick O'Shay.
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign language
Okay okay I’m up next sound cool sound cool “HeRe” oh my god….
Okay okay I’m up next sound cool sound cool “HeRe” oh my god….
I dated a communist once. I had no idea. She seemed sweet. But it did NOT end well
Honestly I should have noticed all the red flags
You ever look at an ancient watering hole and go
“This aged well.”
The bartender says, “we don’t serve time travelers in here!”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
The first rule of Alzheimer’s Club is.
No text found
What cereal is addicted to working out?
Shredded wheat.
Two goldfish in a tank, one turns to the other and says…
"Anybody know how to drive this thing?"
My wife walked out on me after I blew our life savings on a penis extension.
She said she just can't take it any longer.
Most people are shocked when they find out
how bad an electrician I am.
There was a man named John Odd
There was this man named John Odd, and he hated his last name. People constantly made fun of it, called him and his wife "The Odd couple", named him "The Odd man out" wherever he went, all that. So he's getting older and writes out his will. And in the will he says when he dies he doesn't want his name on the gravestone. He just wants to be buried in an unmarked grave with a plain headstone, no name, nothing. So he dies, and his wife respects his wishes. So there he is, in his unmarked grave, but everytime someone walks by the cemetery and sees the unmarked grave they say, "Look, isn't that Odd?"
Fun fact you can’t breath while smiling.
Just kidding I just wanted to make you smile 🙂
I want to hear 99 people sing “Africa” by Toto…
…It's something that a hundred men or more could never do
Today, I accidentally played dad instead of dead when a bear was running at me.
He can now ride a bike without training wheels.
My neighbors cows were stolen last night
He beefed up his security