I tell a lot of dad jokes, but I don’t have kids.
I guess that makes me a faux pas.
A man and his wife go to a therapist.
Therapist: What brought you two here today? Her: I hate how he takes things so literally. Therapist: And you? Him: A car.
There’s a fine line between hyphenated words.
No text found
Just bought a thesaurus and got home to find out the pages are all blank!
I have no words to describe how angry I am…
The best in town!
Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to the counter, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best sex in town!" Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sw-eeeeet!" Again, the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!" Finally, the guy interrupts. "Go home, dad, you're drunk.”
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it? professor: okay there is one stupid question.
Her: I want to wake up next to you the rest of my life
Him : I’m a programmer Her : Never mindProgrammersNeverSleep
Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me.
It means a lot.
A Jew and an Arab go into a bakery. The Arab immediately steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket.
He says to the Jew, “See how good I am? The owner didn’t see a thing.” The Jew says to the Arab, “That’s typical of you Arabs. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result.” He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, “Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick.” Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. The Jew swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then the Jew swallows that one and asks for a third pastry and eats that, too. The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, “So what did you do with the pastries?” The Jew replies, “Look in the Arab’s back pocket…”
How do you get dragon milk?
From a cow with short legs.
A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution “this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before”.
So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm… that was some good lion meat!". The lion abruptly stops and says "woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can". Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll get him together". So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago…"
My mother used to say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach…
Lovely woman, useless surgeon…
What do you call a hen who counts her eggs?
A mathemachicken
A young woman was so depressed with her life that she decided to end it by throwing herself into the ocean.
When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "Moreover, I'm lonely too and need someone to love me." The girl understood what he meant. But she nodded yes; after all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her food and wine and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked. She got up off the ground and explained, "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors. He's taking me to Europe, and he's fucking me." The captain looked at her, "He sure is lady, this is the Staten Island Ferry."
Caveman discovers weed
Caveman discovers fire Stone age begins
“What’s your wage?” asked my friend.
I said, "It's the amount of money I make."
I love the way the Earth rotates
It really makes my day
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?
He's all right now.
When nurses and doctors are having to reuse ppe but fascism is more important
https://ift.tt/2A9kuSX
A homosexual, a con artist and a child molester walk into a bar.
"What can I get you, father," asks the bartender.
A young couple dies just a few days before their planned wedding.
They both get accepted to heaven. However, they ask St. Peter if they could get married in heaven, as they were already planning their wedding. "Look. Usually, we do not do that here. But since you had a wedding planned already on Earth, I think you could be an exception. But I should let you know, it will take a really long time to sort everything out. Maybe even years." says St. Peter. They do not mind. After five years, they suddenly see St. Peter running towards them, shouting happily from distance: "Everything is sorted out! You two can now marry each other!" They have the wedding, but after some time, the love begins to fade and they realise they are no longer right for each other, so they ask the St. Peter if it is possible to get a divorce in heaven. Peter looks at them and says: "It took FIVE YEARS until even one priest got here. How long do you think you will have to wait for a lawyer?" If this joke has been posted before, sorry.
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It’s an extremely rare dish order.
I saw a kidnapping
I decided to let him sleep
What do you do when you are feeling rough?
Go to the dogtor!
Dog 1: “I’m sad, tell me a joke.” Dog 2:”OK, knock, kn…”
They both run to the door barking wildly.
Whats the difference between a dog and a tree?
Their bark 😎
A bunch of crows ganged up and killed a chicken.
It was a murder most fowl.
