I tell dad jokes but I have no kids
I’m a faux pa
When is a dad joke mature?
When it's full groan.
Donald Trump was asked what the J in Donald J Trump stood for
He said “Genius”
A university student wanted to sit next to his professor at break time.
However, the teacher regarded the student with a haughty face and said: “A dove should not be friends with a donkey.” “Then I shall fly on” the student replied with a cheeky smile. The teacher was clearly annoyed by the cheeky reply and decided to make sure to do everything in his power to fail the student in his exams. In the oral exam, he gave the student the hardest questions, but the student had incredible answers for everything. Therefore, hoping he could still fail his victim, the teacher asked him a trickier question: “You’re walking on a road and you find two bags. One contains gold, the other cleverness. Which bag do you choose?” “The gold.” “I don’t agree. I would choose cleverness, because that’s more important than money.” “Everyone would choose what they don’t have” says the student. The teacher turns red, and he is so outraged he writes “ass” on the student’s paper. The student leaves without looking at the paper. However, he returns shortly, gives back his paper and says: “Excuse me sir, you did sign my paper, but you forgot to give my grade!”
I met a pilot once who said he actually wanted to be a sailor.
He was in the wrong craft.
Sex on the job
Client: "Why did you have sex with her?!" Employee: "She was just lying there naked! What else was I supposed to do?" Client: "The autopsy! The fucking autopsy!" Employee: "I don't tell you how to do your job; don't tell me how to do mine!" Client: "You're the worst veterinarian of all time!"
Avengers: Infinity War is the perfect holiday movie…
…for Ash Wednesday.
What do gender identities and the twin towers have in common?
… There used to be two of them, and now everyone is REAL SENSITIVE about it
I took the shell off of my racing snail, thinking it would make him faster.
But no, it only made him more sluggish.
Let me begin by telling you a little bit about myself..
It's a reflexive pronoun that means 'me'…
SCUBA is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus. What you may not know is that Tuba is also an acronym…
For Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus.
My boss just appointed me as his sexual consultant.
He said, “When I want your fucking advice, I’ll ask for it.”
What do you call an orange with a telescope?
A satzoomer.
2 guys were eating breakfast together
"Do you want some of my bacon?" "No thanks I'm Jewish" "Don't worry it's free"
Why the fuck they give us that option if it doesn’t work?
Why the fuck they give us that option if it doesn’t work?
Hagrid cremates Harry Potter and throws his ashes into a snowstorm
"You're a blizzard, Harry"
I’ve just bought the personalized number plate BAA BAA…
For my black jeep…
Did you hear about the recent race to send a cow to space?
The steaks will be higher than ever
What’s a happy cowboy’s favorite candy?
Jolly ranchers
I learned how to time-travel tomorrow.
At least, that's what I will hope.
Looking for a b’day card in a card bin we have, came across this gem my mom had saved…
https://ift.tt/3aphdfm
Did you hear about the limo driver who went 25 years without a customer?
All that time, and nothing to chauffeur it…
This joke is about ghosts. You wanna hear it?
That's the spirit.
Just used some stolen hair dye…
Guess you could say I’m now… Illegally Blonde
For Christmas morning, I’m going to make Eggs Benedict, and I’m going to serve them on hubcaps from a 1962 Ford…
…because there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise.
It’s hard to believe March 12th is already National Pancake Day!
It really crêped up on us this year didn't it!
A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.
A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?" Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine." The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very, closely: "Are – my – test – results – back?"
I lent a hot girl my umbrella yesterday.
That takes the number of girls I've made wet this year to -1.
What part of the body dies last?
The pupils… because they dilate.
I wanted to buy a candle holder but the store didn’t have one.
So I got a cake -Mitch Hedberg
My wife kicked me out of the house because I’m still singing Christmas songs.
I said, "But Baby, its cold outside."
I guarantee they will all start price gouging too. Likely individually and discreetly so nobody notices.
I guarantee they will all start price gouging too. Likely individually and discreetly so nobody notices.
Did you hear the one about the corduroy pillow?
It's been making headlines
A Politician, Sexual Predator and Criminal walk into a bar
Bartender says "What can I get for you Mr. President?"
I would tell a time travel joke,
but you didn't like it.
When the earthquake told a joke, nobody laughed.
But the ground was cracking up.
Me: If humans lose the ability to hear high frequency volumes as they get older, can my 4 week old son hear a dog whistle?
Doctor: No, humans can never hear that high of a frequency no matter what age they are. Me: Trick question… dogs can't whistle.