I tell dad jokes
Sometimes he laughs
A couple are asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says "honey, there's someone at the door". The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man. "Can I help you". "Could you give me a push" says the drunk man. "Hell no, and besides you're drunk" and slams the door shut. As he gets back into bed, his wife begins to lecture him. "Don't you remember when we were stranded on the side of the road and people stopped to help us"? "You should go outside and help the poor man". Realizing this, the husband gets dressed and heads to the door. Opening it, he realizes the man has left and yells out "Do you still need a push"? In the distance he hears a reply "Yes Please". "Where are you" to which he hears "Over here on the swing set"
My wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing it
We went and had drinks. Cool guy, wants to be a web designer
“This is your captain speaking”
"AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING."
I’ve created an app similar to Tinder but it’s for paleontologists.
I call it Carbon Dating.
I’ve spent the last four years looking for my wife’s killer
but no one will do it
I can cut wood just by staring at it
It's true, I saw it with my own eyes
In the middle of the battle, I decided to use a knife to preserve my ammo.
All the other paintball players started freaking out though.
*Hits Blunt*
Blunt: Hey what the fuck man
Dad cooks deer for dinner and doesn’t tell the kids…
He gives them a clue. “It’s what your mom calls me!”. The son yells, “it’s a fucking dick don’t eat it!”
How many syllables does the word gloria have?
Christians: 18
They say “You are what you eat”, and they are right.
A few minutes ago, I ordered some “Ready to eat” chicken, and now I’m ready to eat chicken.
No Nut November was pretty tough
Now I can finally eat nuts again, thank God I had masturbation to keep my mind off of the sweet little bastards.
My girlfriend said she didn’t think it was possible to seriously injure yourself by masturbating
But I managed to pull it off.
You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes
(That’s it. That’s the joke)
I’m not an alcoholic. In fact, there’s only three times I ever drink.
Before work, during work, and after work.
Marathon runner ran 26.3 miles to spell out “BOSTON STROG” in her fitness app
https://ift.tt/2VtzPWC
Puns make me numb….
But math puns make me number.
Why is the mens bathroom always on the left?
Because women are always right.
Husband and Wife
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when you father caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues…"Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years". "I remember that too", she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says… "I would have gotten out today!"
My wife said, “I dreamed they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for a hundred dollars and the thick ones went for two hundred dollars.”
Chuckling, I asked, “How about the ones like mine?” She retorted, “Those, they gave away.” Not to be outdone, I said, “I had a dream too. I dreamed they were auctioning off pussies. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the tight little ones went for two thousand.” She quizzed, "And how much for the ones like mine?" To which I replied, “That's where they held the auction.”
The secret service isn’t allowed to say “get down!” Anymore
Now they have to say, “Donald, duck!”
What’s tiny and can be found on the beach?
A Microwave.
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage.
The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.
Just so everyone is clear
I will put my glasses on.
Why did the Mexican take Xanax?
For hispanic attacks.
My wife was disappointed when she found out why my friends call me “The Love Machine”.
Because I suck at tennis.
A blowjob is not an apology
But go slow; I'm listening.
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
What do you call a stolen Tesla?
An Edison.
Wish me Luke!
It's like luck, but with more force.
My deaf wife just told me that “we need to talk.”
That was not a good sign.
Whatdya call a frenchman wearing sandals?
Phillipe Phillope
