I tell you hwhat.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C?
Because you can't C in the dark
Thanos’ finger snap would have a greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared.
Apparently only DC movies can do that.
Why didn’t the Mexican archer fire his bow?
He didn’t habanero
When I was little, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive..
It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.
What’s the 9 letters of the pirate alphabet? (CORNY ALERT)
R, I, and the seven c’s (Say aloud) XD this made me laugh, hope it brightens your day
What do you call bears with no teeth?
Gummy bears.
I bought a wooden car today.
Wooden engine, wooden doors, wooden wheels, wooden seats, put the wooden key in the wooden ignition. Wooden start.
I just got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows and nuts
I won't lie, it was a Rocky Road.
I introduced my friend to my daughter Beth
He asked me, what’s Beth short for? I thought it was really rude, she’s only three
To the person who took my antidepressants:
I hope you’re happy!
The doctor told me my voice box is damaged and I may never speak again…
I can't tell you how upset I am!
Why did the sperm cross the road
I put on the wrong sock this morning.
“Dad, how do you cast spells?”
"You just follow the instructions." "Which instructions?" "Yeah, they're the ones."
A man has been drinking alone all day at a bar and checks his clock
"1:30am, fuck. I need to go home now or my wife's going to rip my balls off", thinks to himself. But as he's trying to get up, he falls awkwardly to the floor. "I'm just way too drunk right now, I need to sober up." So he asks the barman for a coffee, he drinks it up and 30 minutes later he tries to stand up, but again, falling to the floor, this time, even harder. At this point he realizes he needs to get home no matter what, so he starts crawling towards his house. After 40 minutes he gets there, lays down next to his (asleep) wife and passes out. The next morning his wife wakes him up and starts shouting at him, "So… how was last night, huh? Was it fun drinking all day?" The man is 100% sure his wife was asleep when he got home so he tries to play it cool, "Not really, just hanging with some coworkers… we didn't drink much… just a couple of beers." The woman starts nodding sarcastically and responds, "The bar owner called this morning, your wheelchair's there, you dumbfuck."
I got fired from the sperm bank
I can't figure out why, it might have been that every time someone left I said "Thank you for coming"
My girlfriend thinks I act too feminine, and she’s always questioning my sexuality. She says I should try to act tougher, so that if she feels threatened by some guy she can feel safe with me…
but I assured her that if any guy tries to get too close to her I'd be the first one to beat him off.
A man in an interrogation room says, “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present!” The cop growls, “You are the lawyer!”
The lawyer shrieks, "Exactly! So where’s my present?!"
How do you spot a blind man on a nude beach?
Its not hard
My daughter says she now identifies as a small group of words that have a collective meaning
Should I be worried, or is it just a phrase?
My bald dad commented on my hair earlier.
He said I had hair like an emo. He wasn’t too happy when I said he had hair like a chemo.
all countries will get the corona virus eventually…
China just got it right off the bat
The protests in Hong Kong have been continuous for 160 days, proving the country does not belong to China.
Because nothing made in China has ever lasted more than a week.
We must popularise the Howie style labcoat!!!
To start I post this here because it’s the only place I could find that would have a hight scientist reader base an not required required it to be a scientific paper but here we goThey are safer that standard lab coats as the protect more of the bodyThey are more sanitary! minimising contact between your clothing and possible pathogens as well as chemicalsThey look 100% cooler, lab coats are cool but the Howie pattern is fuckin awesome, it also looks way more sci-fi, and if we’re gonna be living in the future might as well look it
A guy went to a Halloween party wearing regular clothes with his girlfriend sitting on his shoulder…..
…the host said where's your costume? The guy said I'm wearing a costume – I'm a snail. The host said you're a snail? The guy said yes, a snail, and pointed to his girlfriend and said this is Michelle.
I own a pen that can write under water
It can write other words too
I met a man named Jim Apple the other day.
He has trouble introducing himself in France.
What does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten tickles.
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon Fresh.
I’ll let you know.
My buddy spider really has his future planned.
He wants to become a web designer.
A man walks into a restaurant and notices Lobster tales for a cent on the menu.
He asks the waiter: "Why they are available so cheap? What's wrong with them?" Waiter says, "Nothing, actually they've been bought here just today." So the man orders some. The waiter returns with a book, sits down and says, "Once upon a time, there was a big red lobster…"