I think french people are creepy, they give me the crepes..
I hate Russian dolls
They’re so full of themselves
Republicans must be flipping their shit over this blatant nepotism within our government!
https://ift.tt/37vjKDx
What did the grape say when it got crushed?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
Did you know that TON spelled backwards is NUT
No it’s not
A German traveling to Poland stops at a Polish Border Security Point.
Polish Border Control Officer: "Nationality?" German: "German" Polish Boder Control Officer: "Occupation?" German: "No, just visiting"
A little girl opens the door to find a priest with a collection tin.
“What can I do for you, Father?” “I’m collecting for the orphanage.” “Just a moment,” says the little girl, closing the door. The priest waits patiently, then suddenly hears first one gunshot, then another. The little girl returns to the door and says: “OK, you can take me now.”
Why Did the Whale Cross the Ocean?
To get to the other tide.
What did the burglar say after detonating a bomb inside Fort Knox?
Edit: Wow! This blew up! Thanks for the gold!
I’ve been asking people what LGBTQ means
But no one has given me a straight answer
I got called pretty today.
Actually the full statement was "You're pretty dumb" but I'm only focusing on positive things today.
My wife wants me to get my coffee at home to save money.
If she really wants me to save money she should give me sex at home.
You know, the worst thing about porn is that…
… it creates completely unreasonable expectations about how quickly I can get a plumber or pool guy at my house
I saw a poor old lady fall in the street today.
Well I'm assuming she's poor, she only had $1 in her purse.
My marriage just ended because I didn’t open the door for my wife.
I swam for the surface instead
Think you’re having a bad day? At least you’re not this guy texting his boss…
https://ift.tt/2wG4vKf
My friend begged me to stop singing wonderwall
I said maybe
I was complaining to my wife about our nonexistent sex life.
Zero fucks were given.
Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, “You are charged with beating your wife to death with a shovel.” A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, “You bastard!”
The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a shovel." Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You fucking bastard!!!" The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, "Paddy, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt! Now what is the problem?" Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded, "For fifteen years I lived next door to that bastard and every time I asked to borrow a fucking shovel he said he didn't have one!"
A Frenchman was showing of his yachts to a tourist
Frenchman: "This one is called Un, this one Deux, this one Trois, Quatre, Six, Se–" Tourist: "Hold on, why is there no number 5?" Frenchman: "It Cinq"
Do not use “beef stew” as a computer password.
It is not stroganoff.
I remember 2018…
Like it was yesterday.
“Waiter! Waiter! There’s a dead fly in my soup!”
"Yes sir, the heat tends to kill them."
![[image] School time memory](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/02/pu2p8rrncej41-400x383.png)
Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!" Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair… Here's your money." Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump." The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again." Jack took the money.
What’s my blod type?
Typo
Last night I was out for a few drinks.
One thing lead to another and I had a few too many cocktails and then went onto the wine. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at the pub and took a bus home. Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breathalyzer tests. Because I was in a Bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I've never driven a bus before and I am not even sure where I got it from.
What’s the best way to calm down a knife-wielding girlfriend?
Please answer quickly
What did one bone say to another bone?
Let’s meet up and share a joint.
I never liked myself with facial hair…
but since I stopped shaving this beard has been growing on me.
Bear with me here…
… what should I feed it?
When does a new joke become an “old” joke?
After you’ve reddit.
I was robbed by 6 dwarfs today.
Not happy.
A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in.
“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog. “I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.” The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, “Why on Earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?” The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!”
Sometimes it is better to just walk away from things and go back to them later when you’re in a better frame of mind.
While it's true, that's how I lost my job as a surgeon.
So I got a virus on my computer
And the thing is, I didn't do anything and it just disappeared. Must have ransomware.
I took a bath with bubbles
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