I think I found Santa’s molecule
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it…
…then my illegal logging business is a success. This repost has been brought to you by r/ModMurder for the means of a challenge
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly
Because communication is key
A dog runs up to their master carrying an unusual stick.
Master: Hey boy, what do you got there? Dog: Bark Master: Bark? Well where did you get such an unusual piece of bark? Dog: Ruff Master: The roof? Well how did you get all the way up there? Dog: With the ladder
Wikipedia says there are only 2 atms in Antarctica.
But you shouldn't use them unless you want your assets frozen.
What car do lawyers love?
Subarus.
I wrote a book about my love of punctuation.
The Comma Sutra.
Do you wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin
Corona Beer sales falter amid Corona virus crisis
Guess their viral marketing strategy failed.
My dad died last year when my family couldn’t remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him.
As he died, he kept insisting for us to “be positive”, but it’s hard without him.
I took my dog, Flip, to the skate park with my son. I swear that kid is crazy.
He said, "Dad, do you want to see me kick Flip?"
Nothing tops a plain pizza.
No text found
What kind of fur do you get from a werewolf?
As fur away as you can get.
Germany is now advising people to stock up on cheese and sausages.
They are calling it the wurst käse scenario.
An airline pilot, who didn’t realize his microphone was live, said to the co-pilot:
"Man I could sure use a hot cup of coffee and a blow job from that red-headed flight attendant!" That statement was heard throughout the plane and the furious red-headed flight attendant unbuckled her seat-belt and stormed off toward the cockpit. Seeing this, a passenger shouts, "Miss! Miss! You forgot the coffee!"
Fred is a hippo who goes to a University where everyone is a hippo
One day, someone asked Fred where to find the medical building. Fred replied, "Its over there and to the left. I do brain research in there." Fred is an expert on the hippocampus.
Dont worry if a tree tries to bully you…
They're all Bark and no bite
What do astronauts do when they’re sorry?
Apollogize
A man takes his wife to get tested
Two days later, he gets a call from the lab. Doctor: I'm sorry to inform you that your wife's test results were mixed up with another patient's. We're not sure if she has COVID-19 or Alzheimer's disease. Man: So what am I supposed to do now? Doctor: Take her for long walk and leave her. If she finds her way back home, don't open the door.
Why did seven eat nine?
Because you should have three square meals a day!
Two prisoners working in the laundry room on the top floor of the jail.
After a couple hours, the guard on duty steps away to use the bathroom. The one prisoner says: "Quick, this is our chance to escape. We only have a few minutes so have to work together. You rip bedsheets into strips and I'll tie them into a rope, then we can climb down through the window. The other agrees, "Got it. I sheet, you knot."
A guy walks into a fancy club and right past the bouncer.
When the bouncer tries to stop him, the guy says "let me through, I'm fucking rich." The bouncer, eager for a tip, lets him through. The guy proceeds right to the VIP section, past the ropes, and sits down at the best table. The bouncer tries to stop him again, but the guy says "I can sit wherever I want, I'm fucking rich." Again, the bouncer decides to let the guy sit down, still hoping for a big tip. The guy then walks behind the bar, grabs the most expensive top-shelf bottle, and takes it back to his table. The bouncer, realizing that the owner will fire him for letting a guest grab such an expensive bottle, stops the guy a third time and says "I don't care how wealthy you are, you can't have that bottle." All the sudden a huge man, dwarfing the bouncer, taps him on the shoulder and tells the bouncer to let the guy keep the bottle. Indignant at the bold statement, the bouncer replies "and who the hell are you?" "Rich."
I came to work this morning and was shocked to find that our company was bought over by a firm in Madrid.
No one expects the Spanish acquisition.
My wife packed my bags and kicked me out of the house.
As I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"
Some dude dies and goes to Hell
"Oh shit" "Na", says the Devil, "Don't listen to that Abraham fella, we actually have a lot of fun down here! Do you like bacon?" "Of course" "Well", continues the Devil, "You'll love Mondays then! Everybody gets a pallet of bacon and you eat until you can't eat anymore! The best part is, it doesn't matter if you have a heart attack 'cos you're already dead!" "Hmm, I could get used to that" "Great!", smiles the Devil, "Do you like gambling?" "I'm partial to a bit of Blackjack, yea" "Then I have some good news for you", explains the Devil, "Every Tuesday we go to the largest casino in the multiverse and you gamble until you can't gamble anymore! The best part is, it doesn't matter if you go bankrupt 'cos you're already dead!" "OK, this is starting to sound pretty good" "I knew you'd come 'round", replies the Devil, "Now, do you like drugs?" "Yea I am a junkie" "Fantastic!", exclaims the Devil, "You'll be looking forward to Wednesday! Everybody gets a great big bowl of smack and you smoke until you can't smoke anymore! The best part is, it doesn't matter if you overdose 'cos you're already dead!" "Can this place get any better?" "You bet!", replies the Devil, "Do you like sodomy?" "Um…no" "Oh", the Devil trails off, "Thursdays are going to be tough on you then".
Hey girl, are you my Physics examination paper?
Because I can stare at you for 3 hours and not understand a single thing
If you work for Starbucks, and are caught stealing beans…
It's grounds for dismissal.
Flight attendant stop the bus I’m sea sick!
Sir you are on a train
I introduced my friend to my daughter Beth
He asked me, what’s Beth short for? I thought it was really rude, she’s only three
I’m Robin Hood, I take from the rich to give to the poor!
A poor peasant is traveling the woody paths of Barnsdale, when a hooded man walks up to him. Robin Hood: "HALT!" "I am Robin Hood, I take from the rich to give to the poor, now give me all your money!" Peasant: "I have nothing, I've been hungry for years you see" Robin Hood: "Very well then poor man, take this!" Robin Hood gives the poor man a sack, filled to the brim with gold coins. He then fades away into the forest. The peasant stares in disbelief, exclaiming: "I can't believe it, I'm Rich!" "HALT!"
A traffic cop went through the trouble of putting a note on my windshield to let me know I positioned my car correctly.
It said 'parking fine' so that was nice.
A Mexican magician said that he could disappear on the count of three. He started counting, “Uno, Dos…”
But then he disappeared without a Tres….
I just asked my 14 yr old after he was talking the whole time while I was showing how to do something. ‘Do you know why god gave us two eyes and only one mouth?’
‘Because we don’t need depth perception with our mouths ‘ was his technically correct answer
What does a robot do after sex?
Nuts and bolts
At your time of life…
A very old man told me this story. "I finally left my house to go out to the store this week, and who do I see but my pastor comes walking over to me with a Bible under his arm. And this fella, he says to me, 'I haven't seen you in church recently.' Well that made me made, because you know, anybody who knows me knows that I've been in my house for the last two months with the virus going around. And he can tell I'm mad, but that doesn't stop him. This fella goes to hand me his bible, and he says 'A man of your age and your condition, I think you need to start thinking about the hereafter. Now, I've outlined a few passages that I think you ought to read.' But I pushed it back into his hands, and I say 'Pastor. You can keep your bible. I don't need it. I think about the hereafter every damn day. First thing when I wake up in the morning, I walk into the kitchen, then I go into the bathroom, then I go into my bedroom again, then I go back into the kitchen and stand there looking into the icebox for twenty damn minutes wondering…. now what was I hereafter?' "
Jeff, a semi colon, and an Oxford comma walk into a bar.
They both have a good time.
I prefer to have my milk churned.
It’s butter that way.
Which organ do you need to live?
The liver.
One day, a wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. Naturally, she was very upset.
“You are a disrespectful pig!” she cried. “How dare you do this to me! I’m a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce right away!” The husband replied, “Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.” “Go ahead,” she sobbed, “but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!” So the husband began, “Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night. The ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments! Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t wear because I don’t have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t wear because someone at work has a pair the same.” The husband took a quick breath and continued, “She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said…” “Do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?”
My stupid cousin thinks he’s collected one of every board game ever made.
That idiot doesn't have a Clue.
Prostitute rates…NSFW
Man approaches a prostitute and asks for her rates. She replies, “ $10 for a quickie on the grass, $30 for a quickie in the car, and $50 for a sensual girlfriend experience at a hotel.” The man says, “ok, heres $50.” The prostitute say, “ ok cool, i see you a man of class!” The man then replies, “ class my ass, i want it 5 times on the grass!”
Why is Yoda such a good Gardner?
Because he has green thumbs
I’m selling a TV for $1, but it’s broken and it’s stuck on the highest volume.
That's a deal you can't turn down.