I think I had my first dad joke moment
I was driving my daughter (10F) to her dance class. Although we have taken this route countless times before and she never said a word about it before, she did this time and said as she was looking out the window while driving by a particular area, "Why would anyone build a daycare next to a cemetery?"
Without thought, I said "I don't know, but I bet their neighbors are quiet"
There was a second or two pause and then she said "Daaaaaaad."
My chest puffed up with pride for several miles as I thought I had just crossed the line into Dad Jokedom!
A man walks into a bar and sees a sign that says, “Free Beer For Life If You Can Pass Our Test!”
He asks the bartender, "What's this 'test' you have?" The bartender says, "Well first, you gotta chug a gallon of pepper tequila. Next, you have to go out back and pull the sore tooth out of our angry alligator. And finally, we have a girl up stairs who's never slept with a man, and you gotta go make things right with her." Laughing, the man exclaims, "Well that sounds like the stupidest test I've ever heard of!" He leaves to get drunk with his friends. Later that night, the man comes back to the bartender absolutely hammered drunk. "Ok bartender! Let's do this test!" He says. The bartender hands him a gallon of pepper tequila, and before he could warn him, the man starts chugging it. Teary eyed and near the point of fainting, the man finishes the gallon and slams it on the counter. Stunned, the bartender leads him out back to the alligator. A few minutes pass, and after some screaming and clatter, the man stumbles back in. His shirt is torn up and his body is bleeding profusely. He stares at the bartender and says, "Ok bartender, where's the girl with the sore tooth?"
I asked the hairdresser to cut my hair like Elvis.
Stupid bastard started dancing around the shop.
So many people these days are too judgemental.
I can tell just by looking at them.
Did you know that French Fries don’t originate from France?
They were originally made in Greece
Why do dice prefer to be in groups of two?
Because then it's a pair-a-dice
I got fired from my job at the bank today.
An old lady came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
My wife told me, “Don’t get upset if someone calls you fat.”
“You’re much bigger than that.”
My penis was recently in the Guinness Book of World records
At least until the Librarian caught me.
Im so bored sitting at home that I decided to memorize six pages of the dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
Which organ do you need to live?
The liver.
What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?…..
Same middle name.
What do you call karate for amputees?
Partial arts
At an interview I was asked to describe myself in 1 word.
I said "good listener"
A man walks in a bar and says: ‘I’d like 7 double wiskeys, please.’
The bartender nods and starts pouring 7 glasses of wiskey. As soon as the first glass is ready the man starts chugging, one glass after another. The bartender, dumbfounded, asks the man: 'Why are you drinking so fast?' The man awnsers: 'well, you would do the same as me, if you had what I have,' while chugging the last glass of wiskey. 'So, what is it that you have?' asks the bartender. The man: 'not a single penny'
I had to turn off my carbon monoxide detector …
‘cause the constant beeping was giving me a headache and making me hallucinate
Which vegetable likes to line up the most?
A queuecumber
Had sex last night,
I had sex last night with 2 blonde hair, blue eyed 18 year old twins that I met in a bar. I was telling my best friend about it this morning and he said "I don't understand the attraction, wouldn't it be like just having sex twice with the same person? Could you even tell them apart?" I said "Sure Kim had a cute little beauty mark just under her chin, and her twin Tim has a dick."
Waited months for new kitchen and lorry capsized less than 300yatds from my home
https://ift.tt/2Wr1S9G
Why was Santa’s sack so big?
He only comes once a year.
I thought about inventing a pencil with an eraser at both ends.
But I didn't see the point.
You know, I was looking at our ceiling the other day. It’s not the best…
But it’s up there.
When I die I want all the people I’ve ever worked with on group projects to lower me in the ground,
So they can let me down one last time.
What do snowmen call their kids?
Chill-dren
When I was getting my prostate exam, I asked the doctor where I should put my pants.
"Over there, next to mine" wasn't the answer I was expecting.
My girlfriend asked me to stop singing wonderwall
I said maybe.
![Waiting for that message [OC]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/02/avl5oiV-400x417.jpg)
I buy my guns from a guy called T-Rex
He’s a small arms dealer.
I cut a tie in half
And dropped them at the same time which half won? Neither. It was a tie.
Serve alcohol at a party and nobody bats an eye
But serve laxatives and everybody loses their shit
Whats you father’s occupation?
Asked the school secretary, filling in the forms at the start of the academic year. "He's a magician," said the small boy. "How interesting! What's his favorite trick? "Sawing people in half." "Really? Now, next question. Any brothers or sisters?' "Yes, one half brother and two half-sisters."
My daughter keeps pestering me to check her hair for lice
I think it’s just all in her head (I can’t believe it took me this long to find this subreddit, I love it! BTW first attempt at a dad joke!)
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar every time I have pessimistic thoughts.
It’s currently half empty.
The furniture store keeps calling…
All I wanted was one nightstand.
Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up?
Because it was two tired.
A man goes into the confession booth and tells the priest,
“Father, I’m seventy-five years old and last night I made love to two twenty-year-old girls at the same time.” The priest says, “When did you last go to confession?” The man says, “I’ve never been to confession, Father. I’m Jewish.” The priest says, “Then why are you telling me?” The man says, “I’m telling everybody!”
