I think I have bad posture
But it's just a hunch.
I thought my son was spending too much time playing computer games, so I stopped him and said, “Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.”
He considered that for a moment before replying, "Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."
I’m so patriotic, I piss red white and blue.
My doctor told me it was pancreatic cancer. I told him to shut his commie mouth.
Why does Peter Pan always fly?
Because he can neverland.
Geology rocks …
but geography is where it’s at!!
Did you know if you rearrange all the letters in the Post Office
They get really annoyed
I was watching porn on the computer, when my grandpa suddenly walked in.
Weird way to finally find out what he did for a living.
What is a Cannibal?
Someone who is fed up with people.
Did you know diarrhea is hereditary?
It runs in the jeans.
What do you call someone with no body and no nose?
…. Nobody knows.
Son: What rhymes with purple?
Dad : No, it doesn’t.
What always comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
The letter G
The mirror told the echo…
The mirror: you should see yourself right now The echo: meh, I've heard it all before.
A man is on is death sentence and he gets to choose his last meal
He asks his guard for a McDonald's Ice Cream, and lives a very long life, they never found a working machine.
I hit a rat with my car today
It left a ro-dent
A schoolteacher explains to her class that she is a football fan.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they too, are football fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand? "Because I'm not a football fan, " she replied. The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well if you are not a football fan, what sport are you a fan of? "I am a basketball fan and proud of it, " Mary replied. The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why are you a basketball fan? " "Because my mum is a basketball fan, and my dad is a basketball fan, so I'm a basketball fan too!" "Well, " said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, "that is no reason for you to be a basketball fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then? Mary smiled, and said…………… "then I'd be a football fan."
A student fell asleep in class so the teacher kicked him. “WTF!” the student screamed.
"You have been kicked due to inactivity."
My wife wants me to get my coffee at home to save money.
If she really wants me to save money she should give me sex at home.
I told my wife that the milkman said he had shagged every woman in our road except one!!
“I bet it’s the snooty bitch at number twenty three,” she replied.
You know what a German doctor shouts after a circumcision?
Off wienerskin!
I adopted a dog from a blacksmith today..
First thing he did when i got him home was make a bolt for the door.
My wife is always threatening to harm me if I keep stealing her kitchen utensils…
but that’s a wisk I’m willing to take.
Whenever a homeless person asks me for money, I admit my first thought is always, “This money’s just going to get spent on booze or drugs.”
That's why I always give it to the homeless person instead.
India is a very peaceful country.
Because nobody has any beef over there.
Dear Microsoft:
If you had called your search engine Bang instead of Bing, you'd have destroyed Google. What would you rather say? "I just Googled Rihanna"or "I just Banged Rihanna."
Why did the T-Rex only sell handguns
Because he is a small arms dealer
The lesbian couple across the street allowed me to see them have sex for my birthday.
It's a beautiful and very thoughtful experience, but I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.
Thought those of us with loved ones in the US military might appreciate this.
https://ift.tt/2tr79Sq
A police man pulled over a miner.
Policeman: Whose car is this, where are you going and what do you do. Miner: mine
John gets pulled over on the highway for speeding…
John: "Is there a problem officer?" Cop: "You exceeded 80 in 55 zone. May I see your license?" John: "ahhhh, why don't I spare you the trouble, officer? I don't have a license, so I shouldn't be driving this car that I jacked from this dude I just killed. The gun I used is right here in the glove box and his body is in that trunk" Cop: "Holy shit!" The cop contacts his PD and in moments there are more cops everywhere. The chief of police steps up. Chief: "Sir, may I see your license?" John: "Sure" John had his license Chief: "May I see the vehicle's owner registration?" John: "Sure" It was in his car Chief: "Could you open your glove box?" John: "Sure" There were no weapons Chief: "Could you pop open your trunk?" John: "Be my guest" There were no bodies in the trunk Chief:"Sorry to put you through this, but the officer who called me said you were driving without a license, you had stolen the car, you had a gun in the glove box, and the owner's dead body in the trunk" John: "Yeah, I bet that lying son of a bitch also told you that I was speeding"
I asked my math teacher why 6 was afraid of 7.
She replied, “Approximately 0.3583679495453”. I stared at her, confused. Seeing my confusion, she added, “You know, cos (789)”
A mother and father took their 6-year-old son to a nude beach.
As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother's, and asked her why. She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger "units" than his dad. His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play. Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly told his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."
I thought there might be a verse or something I didn’t know about…
I thought there might be a verse or something I didn’t know about…