I think it belongs here more
Why did the submarine captain keep a barrel of potatoes in his room?
There was nothing in the world he loved more than eyes.
I don’t understand the opposition to same sex marriage.
Isn't the whole point of marriage to have the same sex for the rest of your life?
The local charity realized that it had never received a donation from the city’s most successful lawyer.
So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community?. The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long painful illness, and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?' Embarrassed, the rep mumbles, 'Uh… No, I didn't know that.' 'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'did it show that my brother, a disabled Veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children? The stricken rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again 'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?' The humiliated rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry. I had no idea. And the lawyer says, 'So, if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?
Yo momma’s so lonely
she kept you
Smoking will kill you…Bacon will kill you…
But, smoking bacon will cure it.
The light bulb comes on for a very stable genius with a good brain, probably the best brain
https://ift.tt/2vQx8UT
How do you get Trump to change a light bulb?
Tell him Obama put it in.
I am reading a horror story in braille.
Something bad is going to happen, I can feel it…
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
Why won’t the dog listen to the farmer’s sheep jokes?
Because he has herd them all.
I got fired from my last job even though I always gave 100%.
Apparently thatβs not how you grade exams.
Why did the barber win the race?
He took a short cut.
Very few people know the scientific term for identical twins.
Fetus Repeatus.
Two termites walk into a bar and ask
Is the bar tender here?
Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen that said 'Parking Fine'.
My wife just complained I wasnβt listening and walked out of the room
Weird way to start a conversation.
My boss just told me that Iβm the worst mailman he has ever seen.
Shit. I meant to post this somewhere else.
What should you do if you see a famous person at a water park?
Ask them for their watergraph.
Being an Amputee is a blessing and a curse…
On one hand, I have fingers. On the other hand, I donβt.
I’m going to rewrite history
History
Did you hear about the mathematician who is afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
A 60 year old man was starting at a 17 year old teen, particularly his hair, on the bus.
The boy, who had just coloured his hair various shades started feeling uncomfortable by the old man's gaze. Unable to take it anymore, the boy shouted – "What is it old man? Can't stomach when people do wild things?" The old man replied – "I once fucked a peacock when I was a teen. Wondering if you're my grandson".
Hey, is your refrigerator running?
Good. I'd vote for it over Trump or Biden any day.
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later,
A drunk man was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk man ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh… the Sixth… the Fifth.." Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
I got pulled over by the police yesterday
I was a bit nervous and a little flustered, so the policeman thought I was under the influence. He gave me a breath test, which I passed, but he was still not convinced. He then called in the sniffer dog, and when it arrived it promptly had a good sniff inside my vehicle. "Look here son", the policeman said to me, sternly. "This dog is telling me you have drugs on you" I looked at him, dead in the eye and said "mate, you're the one with the talking dog"
A nice change of pace from all the other times I’ve been fucked because of assembly
https://ift.tt/2X1nWIu
[Warning: 18+]
19.
Iβm not sure why my heating bill is so high?
If youβd like to come over to offer me any advice my door is always open
My friend’s financial advisor spent all of his money on strippers and blow.
That guy really put the douche in fiduciary responsibility.
What’s Gordon Ramsay’s favorite subreddit?
It's fucking r/aww
It is actually difficult to figure it out nowadays
It is actually difficult to figure it out nowadays
Know why the shoe was drunk?
Too much socky.
Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend…
…and chimney installations are through the roof!