I think it is time to reconsider calling people ‘Karen’. It is rude…
We can all be Karen's in our own ways. I just realized I'm a computer Karen.
Every time something is taking too long, or the slightest inconvenience happens, I immediately want to see the task manager.
*sorry*
What do you call a dictionary on drugs?
High definition.
A boy is watching TV with his father when a sex scene comes on.
"Well son, time for bed," the father says. "But dad, I'm 16 now!" the son complains. The father replies, "I don't care how old you are, you're not watching me masturbate."
My grandma is in her 90’s and she still doesn’t need glasses…
She just drinks straight out of the bottle…
With relationships, they say there’s plenty of fish in the sea…
But I'm just stuck here holding my rod
why did the can-crusher quit it’s job?
because it was soda-pressing!
I got thrown out of my local park after arranging the squirrels by height.
They didn't like me critter sizing.
To be quite honest, I’m not liking this sub at all…
I should have gone to Wendy's instead.
Did you hear the one about the Mexican Magician? He announced to his audience: “For my final illusion, I will make myself vanish on the count of three…”
"… UNO! DOS!" *POOF* And he vanished without a Tres.
I never understood why people don’t get along with vegans.
I’ve never had a beef with one.
I don’t like people who take drugs
For example : airport security
So I hear they are going to start using bio diesel made from herbs for trains…..
….maybe ours will now run on Thyme.
i don’t know why everyone thought 73-year-old Bernie Sanders was too old to run for president four years ago…
…after all, he was in his prime.
The lion is celebrating a party. All animals are invited, only the hamster is not.
The hamster does not want to miss the party and asks the rabbit: "Hey, rabbit, can´t you smuggle me in behind your big ears to the lion's party?" The rabbit´answers, "Nope, I'm not tired of life, if the lion noticed that, it would be my end." The hamster then asks the fox: "Listen, fox, can´t you smuggle me in your bushy tail to the lion's party?" The Fox: "Are you crazy, if the lion gets it right, then i´ll be dead." Finally, the hamster asks the bear and he says, "No problem, I can smuggle you in my breast pocket." When the bear visits the party in the evening, the lion asks him: "I've heard that the hamster wants to be smuggled in to my party, you probably will not support him, will you?" The bear: "No, of course not!" The lion then says, "Then you certainly don´t mind emptying your breast pocket." The bear answers: "Sure, no problem, here's my purse, here's my bowl, here's my ID." Suddenly the bear hits the chest with full force. "And here's a picture of the hamster."
What did the two suicidal people say to each other?
nothing….. they were just hanging….
2 cowboys in a field
One turns to the other and says “you take all those cows over there and round them up into one big group” The other says “what?” The first cowboy says “you herd”
Dad: “Knock, knock!” Kid: “Who’s there?”
Dad: Spell! Kid: Spell who? Dad: W… H… O…
My boss is threatening to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch it might be me.
My son turned 27, so he’s no longer covered by my health insurance.
In other words, his manufacturer's warranty is up.
What happened to the dull knife’s application
It was turned down, he just couldn't make the cut.
I think I suffer from Kleptomania
I should probably take something for it. Edit: thanks for the gold kind stranger
What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?
"Are you having a crisis?"
Where does the neckbeard get his water?
The well, actually.
How does a werewolf make bechamel sauce?
They start with a rooooooooouuuuuuuux!
Apparently girraffes only sleep 3 hours a day.
They must neckered.
My friend decided to have a testicle removed after he found a lump.
He is really hardcore about his mashed potatoes.
I wrote a song about a tortilla.
Well actually it's more of a wrap.
An engineer and a mathematician.
An engineer wakes up and realizes his bed is on fire. He spots a sink and a bucket, so he goes to the sink, fills the bucket, and douses the fire before going back to sleep. A mathematician wakes up to find his bed is on fire. He spots the sink and the bucket and then goes to sleep satisfied because he knows the solution exists.
My IQ test result just came in and I’m really relieved…
Thank God it came back negative…
A son and daughter walk up to their father.
Son: Dad which one of us do you love more? Father: My love for you is like communism. Daughter: So equally? Father: No, it collapsed 30 years ago.
What do you call Batman when he is injured?
Bruised Wayne
Boss wants to have sex with his secretary
A boss said to his secretary "I want to have sex with you. I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1000 on the floor; by the time you pick it up, I'll be done." She thought for a moment, then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend then said "Ask him for $2000, and pick up the money very fast; he won't even have enough time to undress himself." So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend decides to call his girlfriend. He asks, "What happened?" She responds, "I'm still picking and he's still fucking! The bastard used COINS!"