I think it’s time to hit CTRL-C
My Tinder match said she’d talk to me again when she got home…
Guess she’s homeless.
What’s the difference between an ass-kisser and a brown-noser?
Depth perception
Why do insomniacs have dirty floors?
They have trouble sweeping..
Make sure to lift your left foot up at midnight tonight.
Start 2020 off on the right foot.
I don’t often tell dad jokes.
But when i do, he usually laughs
I heard this guy whispering a lot of Pokemon jokes to his friend…
…but I couldn't catch them all.
Old Turkish joke
One day Temel, the truck driver, while driving down a hill realizes that his brakes are not working. The truck is going faster and faster, until he reaches an intersection. Temel looks around. On his right, there is a child; on his left, there is a bazaar with more than 100 people. As a “clever” man, Temel chooses to drive towards the child instead of the bazaar. However, the next day, newspaper headlines read “TEMEL DROVE HIS TRUCK INTO THE BAZAAR, 40 KILLED, 35 INJURED”. They ask Temel: “How come you commit such an act?” Temel answers: “Everything happened when the child started to run towards the bazaar”.
Why did the submarine captain keep a barrel of potatoes in his room?
There was nothing in the world he loved more than eyes.
I made a graph showing my past relationships..
It was an ex axis and a why axis.
A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn’t even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, “Get the fuck out of my cab.”
He walked all the way to the airport and got home. Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG. He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings. There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver from last time that kicked him out. He stood for a moment thinking how can he get his revenge on that driver. So, he gets in the first cab. "How much is it to the airport?" he asks. The driver says, "$15." "Great, how much is it for a blowjob on the way there?" The cab driver says, "Get the fuck out of my cab." So he goes to the next one and asks the same thing. "How much to airport?" "$15." "Great, how much for a blowjob on the way there?" And that cab driver also tells him to get the fuck out of his cab. He does this all the way down the line of drivers, each one kicking him out. He finally gets to the last driver, the one from his last trip. He asks, "Hey how much to the airport?" Driver responds, "$15." The guy hands him $15 and says, "Great let's go!" And so the driver leaves, slowly passing all the other drivers who are staring out their window while the guy in the back smiles back with a thumbs up.
I walked into the library and asked the librarian if they had any books on paranoia.
She said: "They're right behind you."
I would like to thank my arms for always being by my side.
I would like to thank my legs for always supporting me. And I would like to thank my fingers because I can always count on them.
An alter boy walks in on a priest…
A young alter boy walks in on a priest masturbating, confused he asks the priest "what are you doing father?" The priest replies "don't worry my son it's natural, you will be doing it soon" "but why father?" the alter boy returns The priest exclaims "because my arm is getting tired!"
Don’t kiss after midnight
It's not proper to kiss on a first date!
A farmer has three daughters…
Who all have dates on the same night. Considering how protective the farmer is as a father, he sat and waited for the boys with a shotgun in hand. The first boy showed up: “I’m Eddy, lookin’ for Betty. We plan on spaghetti from Teddy’s, is she ready?” The farmer took a good look at the boy, took him as alrighty, and sent the two off. The next boy came by. Again the farmer waited in anticipation. The next boy goes: “Hi I’m Bo, lookin’ for Jo. We’re planning on Moe’s for the picture show, she set to go?” The farmer thought this boy to be alright as well and sent the two off. The farmer waits for the third boy. “Hi I’m Buck-“ Bang the farmer shot him.
Bilbo Baggins suddenly woke up to “Don’t stop Believing.”
It was an unexpected Journey.
I invented a new word
Plagiarism
I called my boss this morning.
"I won't be coming today," I said. "My legs aren't working properly." "What kind of excuse is that?" He asked. I replied, "A lame excuse."
A fly felt something bite his back…
Fly: "Hmmm. Whoever that was must be pretty small to fit on my back" "Hey! What are you? A mite? " Mite: " Yeah, as in I MIGHT have just bit you hahaha!" Fly: "That's the worst pun I've ever heard." Mite: "What can I say, I came up with it on the fly."
Online college
Worst virus my college servers has every been exposed to. When you been an online college student and now all these other students are taking online classes and the college servers can not handle this coronavirus
I think I’d win gold in “Literature Gymnastics.”
I can really flip a page. 😀
What’s the difference between an outlaw and an in-law?
Outlaws are wanted.
Don’t know if this is a scam but I just received a text saying I’d won $250 cash or 2 tickets to an Elvis tribute night.
It says press 1 for the money or 2 for the show.
I bought my teenager candles for his room.
It’s pretty lit.