I think my family is racist
I've been nervous for weeks, but I finally decided to introduce them to my Spanish girlfriend
My kids refused to talk to her and my wife started crying and told me to pack my things
I’m not a human
All the years of training was based on this moment…
Yeah I wanted to leave halfway through Age of Ultron too though
Was this his original plan?
I had a dream I was a muffler.
Woke up exhausted.
I haven’t worked in over a year.
Don't tell my boss I said that.
[repost] Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon…
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with "Ah, I guess you had to be there." https://twitter.com/draxar/status/239766758842568704 [Total report, but topical today]
Yesterday I saw a half-dog, half-cat…
What’s up with dat!?
A lawyer, a priest and a doctor are all on a ship filled with children and it begins to sink.
They all jump into the life boats, but due to the weight, the life boats start sinking as well. The doctor exclaims “Save the children!” And begins to jump out of the lifeboat. The lawyer grabs the doctor and pulls him back stating “Screw the children!” The priest says “Do we have time?”
The party of family values
Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7 8…
They say dress for the job you want.
3 dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with big smiles on their faces.
The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened. “First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector”, says the Coroner. “Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.” The Inspector asked, “What of the third body?” “Ah,” says the coroner, “this is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning.” “Why is he smiling then?” inquires the Inspector. “Thought he was having his picture taken.
Matt Gaetz tested negative!
It’s funny because it’s accurate…but also sad because it’s accurate.
Jedi’s make lousy spouses
They always threaten to use divorce.
Hope is basically lost at that point
How to program in COBOL
Think about it..
TB or not TB
Thanks Coronavirus, now that I work from home I finally had time to make some memes
It’s inappropriate to make a ‘dad joke’ if you’re not a dad.
It's a faux pa.
A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while. Eventually he returns home and he is now a Christian. The man finds this to be odd and mentions it to his friend.
The friend listens, thinks for a moment and says, "That's odd. I sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian." So the two of them went to see the Rabbi. They told the Rabbi the story of how they had both sent their sons to Israel as Jews, and how both sons had returned as Christians. The Rabbi listened, thought for a minute and then said "That's odd. I also sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian." So the three of them decide to go to Israel to find out what's going on over there. The arrive and go straight to the Western Wall to pray. They explain to God all about how they sent their sons to Israel as Jews and how the all returned as Christians." There is a long silence, and then God begins to speak saying, "That's odd . . . "
I just got out of a heated debate with a friend of mine who read an article on this
My daughter was involved in a peekaboo related injury
She’s currently in the I.C.U
Why do Redditors get excited when a tornado rips down miles of fences?
Because there is a lot of reposting to do.
“Has your dog got a name?”
"Yes," I replied. "It's called a Labrador."
Wish he were this mad about Flint’s water
When the build fails and you immediately recompile
I’ve been asked out by 20 women today…
I was in the ladies bathroom.
Leather armor is the best for sneaking
Its literally made of hide.
It is honestly hilarious. And sad. It’s also sad
This seems all too relevant right about now…
Trial and error for ever
Don’t be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you.
Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
90 degrees is pretty hot for most people,
But for mathematicians, it's just right.
Poop jokes aren’t my favorite kind of jokes.
But they are a solid number two.
The problem with Stadia
Ahh yes, the good old days..
Why is the mens bathroom always on the left?
Because women are always right.
Not just America
We don’t do that here
Ad on a phone game. Wife bad, love golf.
I met a woman who said she was a huge Monkees fan
She told me she had collected every piece of merchandise ever made for the band. I was skeptical. Then I saw her place…
WHOLESOME BOOMER COMIC (Bitcoin chest???) NOT CLICKBAIT
When two ginger people conceive a child…
the child could technically be considered ginger-bred.
The state of the nation
My new girlfriend told me I’m terrible in bed
I told her it's unfair to make a judgment in less than a minute.
If you rearrange the letters of POSTMEN
they become VERY ANGRY
all programmers should unionize.
Gets me every time
Ctrl s Ctrl s
Why did the sperm cross the road?
Because I put on the wrong socks this morning
A perfect anology.
My grandma died peacefully, 93, in the chair. Nice way to go.
The dentist shit himself, though.
I didn’t eat anything other than brown bread for dinner
That was my wholemeal.
Monday morning mini-stroke
Science or not science there is no passing grade
Cheating funny (of course it was on iFunny)
Saw this on Facebook
So VSCode has a lot of faith in my abilities.
A newly wed couple are in bed together
A newly wed couple are in bed together. The wife reaches over to grab her husband. "Oh my God, it's so big" she said. The husband gave a pleased hum. "Are they all this big?" She asked. "More or less," he said. "It's halfway down your thigh!" She exclaimed. "Yeah," he said nonplussed. "I want this so bad," she moaned. "I can see that," he replied amused. "Half the time the pockets on my pants are fake!" Note: this was an actual conversation I had with my wife