I think my family is racist
I've been nervous for weeks, but I finally decided to introduce them to my Spanish girlfriend
My kids refused to talk to her and my wife started crying and told me to pack my things
I found the Boomer Grail while cleaning out the office of a retired colleague.
https://ift.tt/30wjdye
Biggie knew he had to watch Diddy! That eye wasn’t cockeyed for nothing
Biggie knew he had to watch Diddy! That eye wasn’t cockeyed for nothing
A slice of apple pie costs $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
What kind of bees make milk?
Boobees
What do you call a bulletproof Irish man?
Rick O’Shay
“Wanna know something?” asked my girlfriend.
I said, "What is it?" She said, "I saw you sitting in the park. You were reading your autobiography to your ex." "Hmm," I replied. "Really?" She said, "How do you explain yourself?" I said, "Well, if I read it to you perhaps you'll find out."
I thought my Haitian friend was finally going to show me zombies…
but it was actually just 'some bees'
One good thing came from Corona. I got gas for a 1.39 today.
Unfortunately it was from taco bell
I always keep a gun on my night stand in case of an intruder
so I can shoot myself instead of meeting new people
What is orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot!
What’s a pirate’s least favorite letter?
Dear sir, Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage. Sincerely, your service provider.
A guy asks a woman “Would you have sex with me for a million dollars?”
She replies, "Well, to be honest, at that price, the answer would have to be yes." "Well would you do it for five dollars?" "NO! What do you think I am?" "We've already established what you are. Now we're just haggling over price."
So I woke up to a blowjob this morning
It's the last time I sleep on the train with my mouth open
I was once attacked by a group of mimes.
They did unspeakable things to me.
I diagnosed a man with wrinkled clothing today
He had an iron deficiency
An elderly couple were watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long.
When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches. Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?" The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis. A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?" "Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied. "Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?" "No, it's turned black."
My wife just said, “It’s over”, and started walking out on me —-I just sat there.
I really enjoy watching the end credits.
I got so drunk last night
I walked across the dance floor to get another drink and won the dance contest…
My idiot neighbor knocked on my door at 3AM… who does that??
Luckily I happened to be up practicing my trumpet
me: [flashlight under chin] they say a witch cursed this house 100 years ago today!
[100 years ago] witch: fuck this house
If you get a link called “free p0rn” don’t opin it.
It's a virus wich deactivates your spelchek and fcuks up you riting. I receibed it but lukily I don't wach p0rn so I dint opin it. Plees warm you frends Wanks
Why is Waldo’s shirt striped?
Can’t be spotted
My grandpa always said, “Always try to be the fish going against the current.”
Good man. Got electrocuted every day though.
You shouldn’t fart in the Apple Store
because they have no windows
Please don’t make pandemic jokes
They aren't funny unless everyone gets it
The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.
It was an apple but with extremely limited memory. Just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.
I woke up this morning and saw a bird of prey in my backyard eating avocado toast and yelling “Ok Boomer!”
It was a millennial falcon.
My girlfriend invited me to her house to watch Netflix.
She says “Stay here, I have to do laundry really quickly.” Out of nowhere, her sexy sister comes in and sits by me. She asks “Do you want to have sex before she gets back?” I got up and went straight to my car. My girlfriend was outside the door and hugged me, and said “I knew I could trust you.” Moral of the story: always leave your condoms in the car.
I was addicted to soap for years…
I’m clean now!
My friend David had his ID stolen.
Now he's just Dave.
A teenager’s car won’t start out at the mall one night
He tries everything he knows to do, but finally calls his father for help. Mom and Dad come up to mall parking lot, dad gets into the car, turns the key once, and the engine roars to life. The teenager is shocked at how easy it was. "Dad! What did you do differently? I tried everything!" "It was easy son. I'm wearing my cargo shorts."
I don’t often tell Dad jokes.
But when I do, he laughs.
Me: I’m afraid of the vertical axis.
Therapist: Why? Me: Screams