I think my grandpa is trying to tell me something (Millennials bad)
Went to Jail for the first time and found out that what they say about dropping the soap is just a myth
I held on to that soap for dear life and it turns out they rape you anyway
On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him: "I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!" The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place." "That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!" So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it. But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response. The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says : "Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."
I had a sex toy business that specialized in gold plated butt plugs. One day I got a cease and desist letter from Apple. Apparently they hold the patent on overpriced shit for assholes.
DAD: I’ll have the rabbit stew WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after I bring it … DAD: I’ll have the chicken
It’s gone spiral
…by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy…
One less drinker
Because he is a small arms dealer
…she seemed very surprised!
1, 2…get down
I barely qualify.
It's alright, nobody came.
…but the heavier ones need to be delivered by crane…
But my computer teacher told me 0 != 1
It was udder madness
His exact words were, “When I want your fucking advice, I’ll ask for it.”
In a satisfactory.
The bartender says, "I think there's a typo hare".
She got so mad and said she is never playing Scrabble with me again!
I thought “hmm, that’s a little condescending l”
Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome, Italy. One has a Cross in front of him; the other one is holding the Star of David. Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross. The Pope comes by. He stops to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who holds the Cross while none give to the beggar holding the Star of David. Finally, the Pope approaches the beggar with the Star of David and says: "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite!" The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turned to the beggar with the Cross and said: "Moishe, would you look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"
The mime next door went nuts.
Two, but I have no idea how they got in there.
"No, but I told a donkey to fuck off once."
Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater!
After a while, the man’s wife says, “Keep it on porn, you already know how to fish.”
It’s all about raisin awareness.