I think my wife is putting glue on my rifle collection.
She denies it, but I'm sticking to my guns.
I prefer to see it as a plus
Is nothing sacred?
One day my prints will come.
But it turned out to be an optical Aleutian
They called it "Haulin' Oats."
Me: No, I think they need to stay on the wall.
You can only tolerate your own
She sells sea shells by the sea shore.
A cop drives past my open garage in California, and notices my plants and grow lamps. He stops and shouts, “You better not be growing weed with those lamps!”
“You’re gonna need at least twice the wattage and a lot more room!”
She asked me what i knew about dwarfs…….I said "very little."
He started dancing and said, "Never gonna give you 'Up'."
but I don't think I can run that far.
The interviewer asked "Do you have a criminal record?" "No. Is that still required?"
He never returns home and the universe runs out of milk.
My grandfather told me that he saw the Titanic. He warned everyone that it would sink but nobody would listen.
He told people a few more times and then he was kicked out of the cinema.
One requires tweetment and the other requires oinkment.
"Then what about pianos?" -my half drunk dad
The big ones at the end of the wing. These feathers are called pinion feathers. A crow has sixteen. So, the difference between a crow and a raven is only a matter of a pinion.
They're making headlines everywhere!
One gets killed by kryptonite, the other gets killed by Crips tonight.
Then I grabbed her by the love handles and said, "Just look at all this skin."
To hide their butt quacks
Because they know when to drop the base.
This has been my favourite joke for at least a couple years now. A man drives train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving, and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder. So, he's on death row and the executioner approaches him. "What would you like for your last meal?" "I would like a banana please." The executioner thinks it's weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits awhile, and gets strapped into the electric chair. When the flip the switch, nothing happens! In Bulgaria, an act of divine intervention means you get released. A few months go by, and the train driver has been working for a new company. Well, old habits die hard, and he falls asleep again, killing 2 people this time. The court has no patience for recklessness, so he ends up on death row again. After awhile, the same executioner from last time approaches him. "You again? Shit. What do you want this time?" "Two bananas please." The executioner shrugs and hands him two bananas. A bit weird, but whatever. There's no way he can cheat death twice! But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again. The train driver walks a second time. Some time passes, and the executioner is very busy. After another few months, the same dude shows up, apparently having run over 3 people with a train. Exacberated, the executioner approaches him for the third time. "Let me guess. Three bananas?" "Actually yes! How did you know?" "Top bad! This has gone on long enough. No more bananas! Today you fry." So, the train driver gets strapped into the chair with no last meal. But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again. "I dont get it," says the executioner. "I didnt let you eat any bananas!" "Its not the bananas. I'm a bad conductor."
“Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face?” “Rhino!”
"We know you know the answer, but it's not your turn Scooby!"