I think my wife is secretly putting glue on my antique weapon collection.
She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.
What do you get when a cow jumps over a barbed wire fence?
An udder disaster
Dad! Why do my friends in Europe call me Kilometers?
Because they use the metric system there, Miles.
Why are there no penguins in Britain?
Because they’re scared of Wales
It Snowed last so I made a Snow man
8:00 am: I made a snowman. 8:10 – A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman. 8:15 – So, I made a snow woman. 8:17 – My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere. 8:20 – The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead. 8:22 – The transgender man..women…person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts. 8:25 – The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with. 8:28 – I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white. 8:31 – The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be covered up . 8:40 – The Police arrived saying someone had been offended. 8:42 – The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role. 8:43 – The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction. 8:45 – TV news crew from ABC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist. 9:00 – I was on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather. 9:10 – I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services. 9:29 – Protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be arrested. Moral: There is no moral to this story. It is what we have become, all because of snowflakes. EDIT: For those you who seem to be angered by it, I'm saying the joke Ironically, alright? Sheesh people
I gently slid her panties to the left…
So that I could fit the rest of the socks in the drawer
Bilbo Baggins woke up suddenly to “Don’t stop believing!”
It was an unexpected Journey.
What do affordable healthcare and sarcasm have in common?
Most Americans don't get it.
The mystery of childbirth.
A boy is writing a paper on childbirth and asks his parents, “How was I born?”His mother awkwardly answers, “The stork brought you.”“Oh,” says the boy. “Well, how were you and Daddy born?”“Oh, the stork brought us, too, and Grandpa and Grandma.”The boy begins his paper, “This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn’t been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations.”
It’s just as I suspected, someone’s been adding soil to my garden
The plot thickens
The easiest abortion I’ve ever performed was on a stripper.
It was like taking a baby from Candy.
I was going to make a joke that I thought was really clean
But my mother told me that it wasn’t polished enough
I’m going to miss Stan Lee
He was a marvel
I began reading a horror novel in braille.
Something bad is about to happen; I can feel it.
I opened a company selling landmines disguised as prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.
A farmer goes out and buys a new, young rooster. As soon as he brings him home, the young rooster rushes and screws all 150 of the farmers hens. The farmer is impressed.
At lunchtime, the young rooster again screws all 150 hens. The farmer is not just impressed anymore,he is worried. Next morning,not only is the rooster screwing the hens but he is screwing the turkeys,ducks even the cow. Later farmer looks out into the barnyard and finds the rooster stretched out, limp as a rag, his eyes closed, dead and vultures circling overhead. The farmer runs out, looks down at the young roosters limp body and says: "You deserved it, you horny bastard!" And the young rooster opens one eye, points up at the vultures with his wing, and says, Shhhh!,they are about to land."
What do you call cold Mexican food?
Chillychangas
Flying across the country in Air Force One, the president jokes with his staff.
“I’m thinking about tossing a $100 bill out the window and making someone very happy.” A White House aide comments, “Why don’t you throw twenty $100 bills out the window and make twenty people happy?” Another staffer jokes, “Why don’t you throw a hundred $100 bills out the window and make a hundred people happy?” A member of the plane staff, wanting to get in on the act, chimes in and says, “Why don’t you throw yourself out the window and make half the country happy?”
Would you calculate how many people you could afford to lose for unlimited breadsticks?
https://ift.tt/2Z5Ucvb
I asked my welsh friend how many sexual partners he’s had.
He started counting but he fell asleep.
These two guys at the golf course were talking about their blood sugar levels, while they prepared for their opening shots.
Silence fell as they put their stands in the grass, and when I looked closer at these stands I saw the design of them. Yellow and black, with wings attached to the sides. "Those stands are hideous," I said out loud, but neither of them heard me. I think they had dire bee tees.
An ego and a superego walk into a bar.
The bartender says “I’ll have to see some id”.
What does a house wear?
Address
I quit my job as a postman the first day right after they handed me my first letter to deliver.
I looked at it and thought, “This isn’t for me.”
How did the farmer catch his cheating wife?
He tractor down.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Look for fresh prints.
Why don’t people get up early in Athens?
Because Dawn is tough on Greece. 😆
“Employers, what’s the most inappropriate thing someone’s worn to a job interview?”
https://ift.tt/2VxmLxC
Thank goodness Reddit is back up
I was almost productive for a second there!