I think that this belongs to this subreddit

The woman next to me on this rollercoaster won’t stop screaming.
Its like she's never seen a penis before.
Why was the gambler on edge when working at a BBQ restaurant?
Whenever a waiter picked up a meat platter, they raised the steaks.
This man went out with the boys, and told his wife that he be home by midnight.
At around 3 AM, drunk as a skunk, he headed for home. Just as he got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly he realized she'd probably wake up so he cuckooed another 9 times. He was really proud of myself, having a quick, witty solution, even when smashed, to escape possible conflict. Next morning, his wife asked him what time he got in, and he told her 12 o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Then she told him that they needed a new cuckoo clock. When he asked her why, she said "Well it cuckooed 3 times, then said 'oh fuck', cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3, giggled, cuckooed 2 more times and farted.
How do you cut a Pizza?
With little Caesars (Seezors)
How much does it cost to ride Santa’s sleigh?
About eight bucks, nine during bad weather.
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in…
It’s currently half empty…
I met Tom Hanks today!
I asked for his autograph, but all he wrote was ‘thanks’…
If you boil your funny bone, it becomes a laughing stock
That's humerus.
The sweater my wife gave me was picking up static electricity, so I went to the store to change it.
They gave me another one, free of charge.
A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her front pocket and thinks:
Some asshole has my pen
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?
He's all right now.
Studies say obesity is the main cause of erectile dysfunction
Time to get joggin’ ladies
If the person who named walkie-talkies also named other things…
Stamp – licky-sticky Defibrillator – hearty-starty Bumble bee – fuzzy-buzzy Fork – stabby-grabby Socks – feety-heaties Nightmare – screamy-dreamy Tennis racket – stringy-swingy Cactus – pricky-sticky Squid – squishy-fishy Horror film – thrashy-slashy Whisky – stinky-drinky Wasp – stingy-wingy Parrot – wordie-birdie Auto-correct – writey-righty Lifejacket – boaty-coaty
What do you call a magic dog?
A Labracadabrador
My dad used to change wheels on cars.
Now he's retired.
My boss is threatening to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch it might be me.
An Amish boy and his father are visiting a nearby mall. They are amazed by almost everything they see, but especially by two shiny silver walls that move apart and back together again by themselves.
The lad asks, “What is this, father?” The father, having never seen an elevator, responds, “I have no idea what it is.” While the boy and his father are watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolls up to the moving walls and presses a button. The walls open and the lady rolls between them into a small room. The walls close and the boy and his father watch as small circles light up above the walls. The walls open up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman steps out. The father looks at his son excitedly and says, “Go get your mother.”
Apparently one in three people cheat.
I wonder if it's my wife or my girlfriend.
Life is like a dick
Some times its up, sometimes its down, but it wont be hard forever. Too bad life is short.
I keep hearing people say “sweet Jesus”…
…but if you ask me he tastes saviory
My wife swears the CIA put a listening device in our yard disguised as a tree.
I told her it's just a plant
My brother came to me and said that he didn’t understand cloning
I said that makes two of us
This evening I went for a walk with a beautiful woman.
Then she noticed me, so we went for a run instead.
I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.
I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?" "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied. "Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked. "No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said.."I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive." "Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked. "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!" "Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife." The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."