I think this is in need of an amputation
An old guy and a young guy were pushing their carts at Home Depot when they collided. The old guy says to the young guy, “Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife and I guess I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.”
The young guy says, “That’s okay. It’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a bit anxious.” The old guy says, “Well maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?" The young guy says, “She is 28 years-old, tall, with brown hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs and she’s wearing tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?” The old guy says, “Doesn't matter, let’s look for yours.”
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection.
Judge: “First offender?” Lady: “No first a Gibson, then a Fender.”
Why aren’t people in the Afghanistan allowed to watch TV.
Because of the telly ban
A farmer named Clyde had a car accident.
In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the moment of the accident, 'I'm fine.'" asked the lawyer? Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the…" "I did not ask you for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'" Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road." The lawyer interrupted again and said "Judge, I'm trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time the judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie." Clyde thanked the judge and proceeded. "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. When the highway patrolman came on the scene he could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her and saw her near fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, 'how are you feeling?' Now what the fuck would you say?"
After completing one year at the company, I told my boss that I wanted a hike.
So he told me to visit Nepal and do the Annapurna Circuit Trek.
Light travels faster than sound
which is why you seemed bright until you spoke.
My dad didn’t love me as a child, but I don’t really blame him.
I wasn’t born until he was an adult.
It’s kind of silly we’re trying turning plants into burgers
Haven’t cows been doing that for like, forever?
I’ve been dating this homeless chick for a while now and it’s starting to get serious.
She asked me to move out with her.
My son told me he was cold
I said go stand in the corner it's 90 degrees
I’ve just been informed that my six year old son is not mine
and that I have to pay more attention when I pick him up from school.
What is GEN Z’s least favorite toy?
a BOOMERang. Ha.
What do you call nun in heaven?
if you guessed "heaven nun" or "Angel nun" you are wrong. The answer is "nun of the above" !
A farmer is lying in bed with his wife….
when he turns to her grabs her tits and says "Honey if you could get milk out of these we could sell the cow". Then he grabs her pussy and says "Honey if you could get eggs out of here we could sell the chickens". She turns to him smiles,grabs his dick and says "Honey if you could get this up I could get rid of your brother"
This morning I was beat up by a woman in an elevator.
I was staring at her tits, and she said, "Could you please press one." So I did.
What did the preacher say at the vegetable mass?
“Lettuce pray for peas on Earth.” Then “Why do I bother with puns, everyone here’s brain dead.”
My twin brother prefers to take the stairs, but I like the elevator.
I guess we are raised differently.
A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender
"Beer for me, beer for you, and beer for everyone who is in the bar now." After drinking, the man starts walking out of the bar. "Hey, what about the payment?" yells the bartender. "I have no money," answers the man. The bartender hears that and beats the man as hard as he can, then throws him out into the street. The next evening the man walks again into the bar and says to the bartender, "Beer for me, beer for you, and beer for everyone who is in the bar now." The bartender thinks to himself, "The man can't be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, tonight he must have enough money", and gives beer to everyone. After drinking, the man starts walking out of the bar. "Hey, what about the payment?" yells the bartender. "I have no money," answers the man. The bartender hears that and beats the man as hard as he can, then throws him out into the street. One evening later the man walks again into the bar and says to the bartender, "Beer for me, and beer for everyone who is now in the bar." In disgust, the bartender asks "What, no beer for me this time?" "No," answers the man, "you get violent when you drink."
National Dad Conference
Speaker: “I'm glad you could all make it” Whole crowd: in unison “Hi glad you could all make it, We're dad” Speaker: Puts up a pic of ID on big screen showing legal name is "glad you could all make it" entire conference loses their shit
I’ve just found a cure for anorexia.
It was a piece of cake 🍰!!! 😂
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, "Well, tell him he's bloody good – I ain't got any kids!"
Four guys are at a high school reunion and one of them goes to the restroom.
The other three guys start talking about how successful their sons are, while the fourth is using the bathroom. Guy 1: My son is so successful he owns a car dealership and just gave his best friend a Ferrari. Guy 2: That's nothing, my son owns an airliner company and just gave his best friend a jet. Guy 3: Well my son is more successful than that, he owns an architecture firm and just gave his best friend a mansion Guy 4 walks out of the bathroom and walks over to the other 3 guys. Guy 4: Hey guys, what are we talking about? Guy 1: Oh, we are talking about how successful our sons are. Guy 4:Well, my son is a gay stripper. Guy 2: You must be so disappointed with what he's done with his life. Guy 4: Actually, he is doing very well for himself. He just got a Ferrari, a jet, and a mansion from his three boyfriends.
What has two butts and kills people?
an assassin
I asked my friend nic if he had 5 cents,
But he was nicholas.
Why doesn’t Mike Tyson use a PlayStation?
Because he’s an X-Boxer
My son gets to play a frosted cinnamon biscuit in the school play!
It's a sweet role!
What did the seal with a broken arm say to the hungry shark?
Do not comsume if the seal is broken
I’m reading a horror book written in braille.
Something bad is going to happen. I can feel it.
What do you call a woodpecker with no beak?
A head banger