I thought that it was a handmade tree
Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlour to get a tattoo.
It wouldn't wash off this morning, so I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there.
During my boxing career, I was the 2nd best boxer in my country.
I fought in over 100 fights, and came 2nd every single time.
I love playing catch with my kids.
But after I dropped one we have to use a ball now.
My wife said to me she doesn’t understand cloning.
I said that makes 2 of us.
Did you hear about the new vegan parallel lines?
They never meat.
What do orcs want above anything else?
More doors.
What fruit likes to go down slides?
Ki-Wheeee
My sister bet me $15 that I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti
You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta
Once i told a hammer joke
I nailed it.
Every day before class, I read my student a joke from r/jokes, but today I couldn’t make it.
So instead, a sub Reddit.
A bullet says he quit his job
He was actually fired
The Silver Bullet Band is getting back together for a world tour, but without their lead singer …
Well, that's close but no Seger. Old time rock and roll never forgets.
What do you call a pile of kittens?
A meowntain.
I once saw two octopuses that looked the exact same.
They must have been itentacle twins.
Who has two thumbs and isn’t afraid of the Chinese Government? This guy.
Edit: 1 thumb Edit:0thumbs
A young lady, jobless and spurned by her lover, heads to the Manhattan docks to drown herself.
She has nothing, no friends, no family, she just wants to end it all. And as she's about to jump, a handsome young sailor shouts, "stop! Don't do it!!" And she says, "I've nothing in this world, I might as well end it!" And he says, "Listen, listen. It's a rotten world, sure. But never end the thing the lord gave us without changing everything first. I'm leaving tomorrow on a boat for Europe. I know one of the stevedores. I'll find you a place to stowaway, and we can start a new life over there. I'll make you happy. You'll make me happy. It doesn't have to be like this." And she agrees. That night they meet in darkness and he smuggles her aboard one of the lifeboats belowdeck. He brings her a blanket, and some food, and for three weeks they have this tryst. Each night he brings her a sandwich and they talk and make passionate love until the dawn. But. After the third week, the captain is doing a routine inspection belowdecks, and he hears a quiet rustling in one of the lifeboats And he pulls back the tarp and sees her, shaking in fear. "WHAT are you doing here, madam??" And she tells all, "I…I'm a stowaway! I have an…arrangement with one of the sailors on this ship. He's helping us get to Europe, and he lets me hide out in this lifeboat, smuggling me food." "And?" says the captain "And…well. He's screwing me." and the captain says, "He sure is lady, this is the Staten Island Ferry!"
If a blind girl tells you your dick is the biggest she’s ever felt
She's probably pulling your leg.
*burgler gently waking me*
You live like this?
How do you measure a red hot chili pepper?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh, now.
The Chinese Doctor & The Lawyer
A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 – IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.' An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic. Lawyer: 'I have lost my sense of taste.' Chinese: 'Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth.' Lawyer: 'Ugh. this is kerosene.' Chinese: 'Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20.' The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money. Lawyer: 'I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything.' Chinese: 'Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth.' Lawyer (annoyed): 'This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste.' Chinese: 'Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20.' The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100. Lawyer: 'My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all.' Chinese: 'Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100.' Lawyer (staring at the note): 'But this is $20, not $100!!' Chinese: 'Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20'
A child asks his father what “gay” means
The father says it means happy to his son, to which the son replies "Dad are you gay?" The father laughs and says "no son I have a wife".
Having a mobile makes it really easy to cheat on my wife.
My son stands behind her and texts me what cards she’s got in her hand.
I keep dreaming this horse is trying to kill me.
She’s a nightmare
What do you call a fight between a Martian and a nerd with no social life?
Alien versus Redditor.
My wife hated my impulse purchase of a new revolving chair. But then she sat on it.
Eventually she came around.
Two Jehovah’s Witnesses die and go to Heaven.
As they're knocking at the Pearly Gates, St Peter turns around and whispers… "Turn out the lights and everybody be quiet!! Maybe they'll think we're not home."
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replies, "I’m Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City." St. Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it’s the minister’s turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Calvary for the last forty-three years." St Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." "Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?!" "Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."
