I thought the first caption was unsecessary, get ready for the second

A colon can completely change a sentence.
Mary ate her friend's lunch. Mary ate her friend's colon.
Why did the crab cross the road?
He didn't. He used the sidewalk.

Who has time to worry about 2,363 Americans deaths, when Trump is happy with his ratings
https://ift.tt/2WRHUW0
A very loud, grossly over-weight, and very unattractive woman walked into Walmart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning, and welcome to Walmart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?" The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no! They ain't no twins! Oldest one's nine, and the fat one's seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?" In a very pleasant tone, the greeter responded, "I'm neither blind nor stupid. I just couldn't believe that you got laid twice."
My girlfriends place is filled with bees!
She's a keeper…
I was 16 minutes late for my first math lecture, 8 minutes late for the second, and 4 minutes late for the third.
At this rate, I’ll never be there on time.
A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant and goes to the bartender and asks “How much for a beer?”
The bartender replies "Free". The customer, completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender "Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?" The Bartender replies "Free". The guy, still amazed, then orders everything and after he is done eating his meal, then says "Wow, this place is amazing, I really wish I could meet the owner of this place". The bartender then says "Oh well, he's upstairs in his office with my wife". The guy looks all confused, then asks "What is he doing upstairs in his office with your wife?" The bartender then says "The same thing I'm doing to his business".
Problem with pay equality is that men tend to go for higer paying jobs
…like doctors or directors. While females tend to settle with lesser paying ones like female doctors or female directors.
People say I have a dad-bod
I prefer to think of it as a father figure.
What do you call a ghosts their parents?
Transparents
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign language.
What did the fisherman say to the magician?
Pick a Cod, any Cod
A man sits next to another man on the train and pulls out a photo of his wife “isn’t she beautiful?”
Other man: “If you think she’s beautiful you should see my wife” First man: “Why? Is she a stunner?” Other man: “No, she’s an ophthalmologist”
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
Why didn’t the man die when he drank poison?
Because he was in the living room.
I was in a liquor store and an employee asked me “Do you need help?”
I said "Yes, but I'm going to get whiskey instead"
My buddy just told me he needs major surgery: he’s having half his intestine removed.
(excuse my grammar that should be a semi-colon)
My mailman got a sex change.
I guess you'd call him a post man now.
Mr. and Mrs. Potato had three daughters who were as upstanding as they were lovely. One day the first daughter came home and exclaimed, “I have an announcement to make.”
“And what might that be?” said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in her eldest daughter’s eyes. “Well,” replied the daughter, with a proud but sheepish grin, “I’m getting married!” The other daughters squealed with surprise as Mother Potato exclaimed, “Married! That’s wonderful! And who are you marrying, Eldest daughter?” “I’m marrying a Russet!” “A Russet!” replied Mother Potato with pride. “Oh, a Russet is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!” As the family shared in the eldest daughter’s joy, the middle daughter spoke up. “Mother, I too, have an announcement.” “And what might that be?” asked Mother Potato. Not knowing quite how to begin, the middle daughter paused, then said with conviction, “I, too, am getting married!” “You, too!” Mother Potato said with joy. “That’s wonderful! Twice the good news in one evening! And who are you marrying, Middle Daughter?” “I’m marrying an Idaho,” beamed the middle daughter. “An Idaho!” said Mother Potato with joy. “Oh, an Idaho is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!” Once again, the room came alive with laughter and excited plans for the future, when the youngest Potato daughter interrupted. “Mother? Mother Potato? Um, I, too, have an announcement to make.” “Yes?” said Mother Potato with great anticipation. “Well,” began the youngest Potato daughter with the same sheepish grin as her eldest sister before her, “I hope this doesn’t come as a shock to you, but I am getting married, as well!” “Really?” said Mother Potato with sincere excitement. “All of my lovely daughters married! What wonderful news! And who, pray tell, are you marrying, Youngest Daughter?” “I’m marrying Dan Rather!” “DAN RATHER?!” Mother Potato scowled suddenly. “But he’s just a common tater!”
I’m looking to sell my DeLorean. Good shape, low mileage…
Only driven from time to time.
I just found out I’m colorblind
That diagnosis really came out of the purple
What is a mayor’s favorite food?
Mayornnaise
A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.
For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates. A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman, you'd lift your hat". He raised an eyebrow and replied, "if you weren't so ugly, it would lift itself".
What does an air conditioner have in common with a computer?
They both lose efficiency as soon as you open windows.
[NSFW] Why did the eunuch’s wife leave him?
Honestly, he couldn't give a fuck.
My friend told me she doesn’t like Roman Numerals because you can’t make puns from them.
I told her, I for one, like Roman Numerals.
I quit my job as a postman on my first day, right after they handed me my first letter to deliver.
I looked at it and said, “This isn’t for me.”
why do ducks wear pants?
so you don't see their butt-quack!
Christmas joke
A 17 year old male walks into a drug store. He says "I've been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, you know what I mean" Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack." The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, comes back: "you know what, the mom is also smoking hot, I think I'll take another pack, just in case I get extra lucky." Christmas eve comes around, the boy sits at the dinner table and doesn't say a word. After a while his girlfriend says: "if I had known you were so quiet, I wouldn't have invited you." the young man replies "if you had told me your dad works at a drug store, I wouldn't have come."
What always comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
The letter G
My wife told me to put ketchup on the shopping list, so I did
Now she's mad at me because we can't read it anymore
Found this on my computer science teacher’s webpage
A helicopter with a pilot and a single passenger was flying around above Seattle when a malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's navigation and communications equipment. Due to the darkness and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to get back to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building with lights on and flew toward it, the pilot had the passenger draw a handwritten sign reading, "WHERE AM I?", and hold it up for the building's occupants to see. People in the building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said, "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER." The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the passenger asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the Microsoft support building, they gave me a technically correct but entirely useless answer."
What kind of tree does a chicken grow on?
A poultry. (came up with that in the shower)
A Hindu, a Rabbi, and a Jehovah’s Witness are lost..
They wander across a farmstead and ask to spend the night. "I only have room for two, so one of you will have to stay in the barn," says the Farm Owner. The Hindu immediately volunteers, insisting it's no problem. However, a few minutes later, he knocks on the front door. "I'm sorry, but there is a cow in the barn, and they are sacred to me." "No problem," says the Rabbi, and he goes to the barn. Again though, he returns and knocks. "There is also a pig in there, and that is against our teachings." "I will go then, friends," says the Jehovah's Witness, and he proceeds to the barn. A few moments later, there is a knock at the door. It's the cow and the pig.
I asked my friend if he would ever dare to shave his nut sack with a straight razor
He said he tried it once while in college, but it was so bad that he hasn't got the balls to try it again.
Imagine if we Americans switched from pounds to kilograms over night.
There would be mass confusion.
“You’re the bomb!” “No, you’re the bomb!”
In America, a compliment. In the Middle East, an argument.