I thought we didn’t talk about 2020
What’s the difference between an African Elephant and an Asian Elephant?
About 3,000 miles.
I am reading a book called “The History of Lubricants.”
It’s non-friction.
Why did the tomato quit his job?
Because they weren't paying him a good enough monthly celery.
We’ll, we’ll, we’ll…
if it isn't autocorrect.
A woman looks into the mirror and says to her husband:
"I feel fat, old and ugly, give me a compliment". The man replies: "Your eyes are still working great".
Why did the first people to fly a plane succeed?
They were Wright
I can’t find my gone in 60 seconds dvd.
It was here a minute ago
My brother works for my band, helping me fix and replace parts of my drums.
He re-cymbals me, too.
I don’t know why everyone is saying Cats (the movie) was bad.
They played it on my flight home and there were only two walkouts.
One day I would love to have sex in Space.
Or on Earth.
What did the nurse say when she found a rectal thermometer in her pocket?
“Some asshole has my pen.”
Why did the bike stop moving?
Because it was two-tired
Who is Stan?
And how did he get so many countries named after him?
What do you call 52 pieces of bread?
A deck of carbs.
Where did the boulder learn its arithmetic?
The School of Hard Rocks
I don’t trust people who do acupuncture.
They’re all backstabbers
My wife thinks I don’t respect her privacy enough…
At least, that’s what it says in her diary…
Why can’t Severus Snape be a herbology teacher?
He can’t keep the lilies alive.
You’ve heard of “click it or ticket”, a slogan telling drivers to use a seatbelt or they will get fined…
Now get ready for the new slogan of 2020: “Mask it or Casket”!
They say Kim Jong Un has read every single book
That must be why everyone calls him the 'supreme reader'.
It was the mailman’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift certificate envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine imported cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At each of the houses along his route, he was met with congratulations, farewells, cards, and gifts of all types and values. At the final house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful young blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where they had a most passionate liaison. Afterwards, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "…..but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you?" He said, "…Scr*w him ………give him a dollar." The blonde then blushed and said, "….But the breakfast was my idea."
Love is like a fart.
If you have to force it, it’s probably shit.
This is the dirty joke my 85yo grandad told to our whole family by memory
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen." Edit: I think it's bad that I'm more excited watching this get ups that I was about the whole of Christmas
Just ordered eggs and a chicken off Amazon.
I’ll let you know.
I have an EpiPen
My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.
I found out how vaccines cause autism,
Vaccinated kids live long enough to be diagnosed with autism.
My son asked me where pooh came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
A little perplexed he stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and then asked, “and tigger?”
When does a joke become a “dad” joke?
When the punchline is a parent.
I didn’t vaccinate my five kids
and both of them turned out fine.
I would post a joke about Buddhism
But I don’t have enough karma
If you’ve never tried blindfolded archery, let me tell you…
You don’t know what you’re missing.
Otherwise
Otherwise
3 men were in a boat. There were 4 cigarettes, but nothing to light them with.
So they threw one into the sea and the whole boat became a cigarette lighter.
