I tied all my watches to my belt
too bad it was a waist of time.
What do you call a flower getting a sex change?
A Transplant
You don’t need a parachute to skydive.
You need a parachute to skydive twice.
Why don’t dinosaurs talk ?
Because they're dead
Wife: Honey, do you ever pee in the shower?
Husband: Sometimes, but only by accident. Wife: What? How does it happen by accident? Husband: Well, sometimes when I'm pooping, I can't help it.
Why did the white supremacist not mind going blind?
Because he was used to nazi-ing.
Vladimir Putin has been visiting all the old U.S.S.R. Countries.
You could say it was a Soviet Reunion.
What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
"Do you smell carrots?"
I have kleptomania. Sometimes when it gets really bad…
I take something for it.
My roommate snapped a pic of me during my office’s virtual March Birthday Party…
https://ift.tt/2UhY4oD
My mum was a 100M runner and my dad was a marathon runner.
Sadly, no one approved of their relationship. In the old days no one like mixed race marriages.
I asked my Welsh friend how many sexual partners he’d had.
He started counting but he fell asleep.
Why is Antarctica sad?
Because its iceolated
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.
Why did the vegan cross the road?
To tell someone they're vegan.
Got thrown out a Strip club last night for using monopoly money
I don’t see why I should pay real money to see fake boobs.
What do you call a Mexican midget?
Paragraph, cause he’s not a full essay
My twin brother and I finally got a barber appointment and decided to shave off our Corona Beards.
He chose the electric clippers, but I got the straight blade. Despite being twins, we were razed differently.
I’m a big fan of whiteboards
I find them quite re-markable.
I can see two years into the future
I have 2020 vision.
What do you get when you cross a dog and a calculator?
A friend you can count on!
You know what really makes me smile?
Facial muscles.
A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class.
The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4". The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4. Principal: What is 3+3? Boy: 6. Principal: 6+6. Boy: 12. The boy got all the questions right. The principal told the Madam to send the boy to Grade 4 immediately. The Madam decided to ask her own questions and the principal agreed. Madam: What does a cow have 4 of that I have only 2? Boy: Legs. Madam: What is in your trousers that I don't have? Boy: Pockets. Madam: What starts wit a C and ends with T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid? Boy: Coconut. Madam: What goes in hard & then comes out soft & sticky? The principal's eyes opened really wide, but before he could stop the answer, the boy was taking charge Boy: Bubble gum. Madam: You stick your pole inside me. You tie me down to get me up, I get wet before you do. Boy: Tent. The principal was looking restless. Madam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you are bored. The best man always has me first?. Boy: Wedding ring. Madam: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good? Boy: Nose. Madam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates, I come with a quiver. Boy: Arrow. Principal: OH MY GOD. Madam: What starts with 'F' and ends wit a 'K' and if you don't get it, you have to use your hand? Boy: Fork. Madam: What is it that all men have, it's longer in some men than others, the Pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after marriage? Boy: Surname. Principal: Ohooo! Madam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles with a lot of veins like pumpkin and is responsible for making love? Boy: Heart. Principal: Eeeeeh! The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the Madam, "Send this bloody boy to the university. I myself got all the answers wrong!"
Do not accept a FB friend request from Hormel Foods…
It could be Spam.
What does Batman like in his drink?
Just ice.
I finally told my therapist I was having suicidal thoughts
He said I have to start paying in advance
If I had 5 dollars in one pocket and 5 dollars in the other what do I have?
Someone else's pants on. My grandfathers favorite joke.
Mistaken identity
A guy goes into a drug store looking for some disinfectant. He walks up to an employee in a white uniform and asks her "Excuse me, do you sell any products here that will kill the Corona Virus?" She says, "ammonia cleaner". . . He replies, "Oh sorry to bother you, I thought you were a pharmacist."
My wife was furious at me for kicking ice-cubes all over the kitchen…
But now it’s just water under the fridge…
What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts
Beer nuts are $1.30 deer nuts are under a buck
my girlfriend left me because I’m insecure
nevermind she's back she just went to pee
We should make it a rule not to post any jokes about the un-employed here
They just don't work
So, little Johnny has a report due for government class…
He asks his dad to explain government. His dad thinks for a minute, and explains it like this: I am Congress, your mom is the judicial system, your sister is the unemployed, you are the group too young to vote, and the maid is the working class. So that night, little Johnny is trying to figure out what his dad meant, and got up to get a drink. On his way to the kitchen, he watched his sister sneak out of the house with her boyfriend. He grabbed his drink, and on the way back to his room, he saw his dad sneak down to the maid's room. The next morning he tells his dad, so I think I have it figured out. His dad asks, so how do you think it works? Little Johnny says: "The unemployed are out fucking around while Congress is screwing the working class, the judicial system is asleep, and the people too young to vote are watching it all happen…"
Grammar
The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you're shit.
What did the egg say to the pot of boiling water?
It might take me a minute to get hard, I just got laid this morning.
I hate autocorrect…
It always makes me say things I didn’t Nintendo…
It’s okay if your phone autocorrects ‘fuck’ to ‘duck’
You’re still using fowl language.