I told a girl she drew her eyebrows too high.
She seemed surprised.
A Man has been Stealing the tires of Police cars..
Police are working Tirelessly to catch him.
There is a sell on Liam Neeson movie.
But, it was already Taken.
How much does it cost to ride Santa’s sleigh?
About eight bucks, nine during bad weather.
I went to the shop the other day to buy six cans of Sprite.
It was only when I got home that I realised I had picked 7 Up.
My dad says this every time
Me: Dad, could you call my phone? I can’t find it. My dad: OH PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?
When is 40 bigger than 50?
XL is bigger than L
I got fired from my last job even though I always gave 100%.
Apparently that’s not how you grade exams.
My phone kept calling me Shirley this morning
I had forgotten to take it off of airplane mode.
People are like trees…
They fall when you hit them multiple times with an axe.
If you pull a pin from a grenade, how do you put it back in?
Quick answers please.
First thing men look into a women is her heart
That her breasts are in the way is not our fault.
Timmy was being raised by his single mother
When one day she sat him down and explains to him that she’s given this a lot of thought and takes it very seriously but she identifies as a man and intends to start living as such. Timmy understands. It was a long transitioning process of altering his appearance, changing his name, undergoing hormone therapy, and finally having the surgery. Timmy was very supportive during the whole process. Even when he was teased by some kids at school. But eventually the process was complete and they decided to have a nice dinner to celebrate. But dinner was ruined. Timmy’s dad just kept making terrible pun after terrible pun. That’s when it hit Timmy like a ton of bricks. He asks “Did….did you go through all this and even get a sex change just so you could make Dad jokes?!” Timmy’s dad replies “Ahh shit, you see right through me. I guess I’m just….transparent”
How do you turn a three dimensional printer into a four dimensional printer?
Just give it time.
So there’s a new hotel that’s just opened up called 12:59:59pm.
I heard their service is second to one.
I’ve got 99 problems.
My math teacher is a bastard.
How does a lawyer stop the bleeding?
Attorney-kit.
You can’t spell advertisements without semen..
..between the tits.
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage.
It was bread in captivity.
Why do pirates love reddit?
It be the best place to exchange stolen content for gold.
Are you today’s date?
Because you're 10/10.
Two Canadians die and end up in Hell.
The devil decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy. They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty." The devil, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell's boiler room, where he turns up the temperature. He goes back to the Canadians' room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to put the heating back down. He enters the room to see the Canadians having a barbecue. Furiously, he asks them what they're doing. "Well, we can't pass up this wonderful weather without getting out the barbecue!" The devil realizes he's been doing the wrong thing. He goes to the boiler room and turns it down until it's at a colder temperature than ever seen on earth. He knows he's won now, so he goes back to the Canadians' room, only to see them jumping up and down in excitement. He shouts at them in fury, "WHY ARE YOU STILL HAPPY?!?!?!" They look at him and shout at the same time, "Hell froze over! That means the Leafs won!"
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
Did you know?
When a short person waves at you, it's called a microwave
I always knock on the fridge before I open it
Just in case there's a salad dressing
I just bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer
I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?
Oh, it's a really obscure number. You've probably never heard of it.
What is the root of all evil?
25.8069758011
What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta
So I just got my wife with this one… She asked to go to Victoria’s Secret to buy some new underwear… She complained that her favorite pairs had holes in them…
I said "of course they have holes in them, how else are you supposed to get your legs through?" I could feel the eye roll from across the room
Actually the cat is both 50% in the bad and 50% not in the bag until we open it
https://ift.tt/2HlJjLn
I want to die in my sleep like my grandpa
Not screaming like the passengers in the car.
Samsung?
Well what did he sing?!
Dragon 1: Honey, I picked up some knights for dinner on my way home.
Dragon 2: Dear, you know I hate canned food!
It’s cool that last names tell us about old family professions
Like the Smith family were blacksmiths and the Bowman family were archers and the Dickinson family… well they were in jail
My dad’s boomer friend just posted this. Wife bad. Must kill. Then maybe grill.
https://ift.tt/2KJT4VX
Someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick!
..I had no idea anyone could stoop so low!