I told my Asian parents that I am Asexual.
They were disappointed that I wasn't A+sexual
What color is the wind??
Blew!
What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?
Beat it. We’re closed.
What did James’s mom say to him when couldn’t make friends in school?
Bond. James bond.
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge…
"I should be in charge," said the brain , "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen." "I should be in charge," said the blood , "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd waste away." "I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy." "I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go." "I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes." "I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because Im responsible for waste removal." All the other body parts laughed at the rectum And insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood Was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss The Moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work…. The ass hole is usually in charge
I bought shoes from a drug dealer,
I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day
I don’t have the best ceiling in the world
But it's up there.
I asked my wife to describe me in 5 words. She said I’m mature, I’m moral, I’m pure, I’m polite and I’m perfect! Then she added that I also…
…had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces…
I know loads of jokes about cash machines
I just can't think of one atm
I got my friend a cake in the shape of Pac Man
At least that's what I told him when he saw it.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One's really heavy and the other's a little lighter
Why does the Norwegian Navy put barcodes on the sides of their ships?
So when the ships come back to port, they can Scandinavian.
Never start a pillow fight with Death…
…unless you're sure you can handle the Reaper cushions.
When you develop a browser extension that is not scalable enough to handle 1,400 tabs!
https://ift.tt/33SC4VL
Why can’t you trust an atom?
Because they make up everything.
I just got accepted into the most popular anger management group.
It’s all the rage.
Why do fish do bad in school?
They are bellow the C level.
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot.
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.
2 pilots meet
300 people died
Why did the outlaw minstrel get dumped by his girlfriend?
All he ever wanted to talk about was his lute.
They say dress for the job you want, not the job you have
My boss still didn’t think a spacesuit was “appropriate work attire”.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says
"Five beers,please."
A limbo champion walks into a bar.
They are immediately disqualified.
My son asked if I could tell him what a solar eclipse is
I said “No sun”
I want to tell you all about a girl that only ate plants.
You've probably never heard of herbivore.
I’M A GOOFY RARRI!
I’M A GOOFY RARRI!
Knock knock, who’s there?
Smelmop Smelmop Who?
I gave all my dead batteries away today…
Free of charge
In the Harry Potter books, Sirius Black is in his early 30’s,
… but in the movies, he look like an Oldman.
Walking through the mall with my 9 yr old and a kiosk saleswoman waves a sample of lotion and asks ‘A gift for your daughter?’
I said 'No, thank you' and then looked down at my daughter and said 'Can you believe she thought I'd trade you away for just a tiny bit of lotion? I'd need a whole bottle, at least!' She thought that was pretty funny.
This is the dirty joke my 85yo grandad told to our whole family by memory
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen." Edit: I think it's bad that I'm more excited watching this get ups that I was about the whole of Christmas
“Dad, the manual says it’s not a good idea to turn the stereo volume to full.”
Dad: That’s sound advice.
This dude had beautiful long hair 5 years ago. Very funny comment but also Oof.
https://ift.tt/2ywG2Za