I told my Asian parents that I am Asexual.
They were disappointed that I wasn't A+sexual
Who wants to learn about Roman numerals? I for one.
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I’m not even surprised.
Slightly peeved that the makers of the shampoo, “Head and Shoulders”…
…have not followed up with a bodywash called, "Knees and toes."
My girlfriend just emailed me
"thespacebuttonisbrokenonmylaptop.canyougivemeanalternative" Does anyone know what "ternative" mean?
Trump to Boycott NFL and US Soccer if the players protest
When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party
That’s when I realized he was the favorite twin, not me.
Donnie, you’re out of your element.
I don’t like thin pancakes..
They just crepe me out.
What do you call a tired skeleton?
The Grim Sleeper
I bought the worst thesaurus today
Not only is it terrible, but it's also terrible.
Originally put primary school but don’t think Americans know what that is
Frank is cracking dad jokes even after death.
Son: what's in that fancy beer mug on the mantel? Me: Well that's your uncle frank. That's where he wanted his remains. It was his favorite beer Stein. He always said it would be funny. Never got why. Son: Maybe it's so he could be frank in stein? Me: That SON OF A BITCH
“I like to obey the law”
Working at an unemployment office must be so tense.
Even if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day.
Dad: “Have you hear of Murphy’s Law?” Unsuspecting Victim: “Yes” Dad: “Have you heard of Cole’s Law?” Unsuspecting Victim: “No” Dad: “It is thinly sliced cabbage”
Spongebob is loaded!
How do you follow Will Smith in the snow?
You look for the fresh prints.
A wine to solve old people problems
Climate change fake!
Why reinvent the chassis?
Wisdom of Oz
Okay, which one of you is this?
Is a non-prophet organization
Talk to your kids about reproduction
Glad to see her go but this was good.
I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!
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Chinese metro stations work harder than you do.
Haha ..just saying
How do you stop an anti-vaxer from drowning?
Take your foot off his head. ** Edit: Some people PM'd me to tell me they found this offensive. I reread it and I agree. Here is the updated version of the joke: Q. How do you stop an anti-vaxer from drowning? A. Take your foot off his or her head. Again, I apologize to any feminists out there for my originally posted version.
Tomato holding the shit together.
I used to be a skydiving instructor.
I dropped out.
Found in my english textbook
At least it’s not hateful
An infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a bar…
The first asks for a pint of beer. The second asks for 1/2 of a pint of beer. The third asks for 1/4 of a pint of beer, etc. The bartender fills 2 pints of beer, and walks away.
Some guy just said he was going to attack me with the neck of a guitar.
I said “Is that a fret”
Tell a woman she’s beautiful a hundred times and she won’t believe you.
Tell a woman she's fat once and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.
Did you know you can’t run in campgrounds?
You can only ran, because it's past tents
My wife has this unusual case of OCD where she arranges dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is a very rare dish order.
Last night I sawa host of pale, emaciated figures, with haunted eyes that showed the agony of living death.
It was my first time in a vegan restaurant.
Can’t a girl just say Good Morning to a guy like a normal person?
Is it really necessary to ask “Who are you” “How did you get in my room” “Why are you naked”.
Just remember Al
Not that facts matter to them, but they do.
My girlfriend is fed up of my constant wordplay jokes, so I asked her, “How can I stop my addiction?”
"Whatever means necessary," she replied. "No it doesn't." I said.
What do you call a man with no body and no nose?
It really do be that way
Saw this posted by boomer on Facebook
Due to the quarantine
I’ll only be telling inside jokes
What did the blood cell say before it died in an artery?
I will not die in vein!
Weird Thanksgiving drama.
What do interstates eat their peanut butter with?
Hahaha FuNnY number
Why are monks so good at protesting?
The more ohms you have, the greater the resistance…
Where do I store all of my dad jokes?
In my dad•a•base
Android Studio be like
I lost a drinking buddy to a tragic accident,
He got his finger caught in a wedding ring.
Today a clown held a door open for me.
Such a nice jester.
A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” He replies, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”
The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”