I told my boss I was coming in to work dressed as my dad for Halloween.
I didn’t show up.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
What nationality is Santa Claus?
North Polish
Might be the first meme my dad has ever sent me, a tried and true boomerhumor staple
https://ift.tt/2XTcKOB
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage
The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity!
Why did Cinderella get kicked off her soccer team?
Because she kept running away from the ball.
What are paramedics favorite gaming console?
Wii U!!! Wii U!! Wii U!!
Our bedtime conversation
Me: (enormous, burly fart) Her: My god, that sounds like an animal! Me: Yeah. It was a butt ox.
Different Boobs and Dicks
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”
A friend of mine claims he can throw a stick 5 miles and his pet dog will retrieve it.
I think that's a bit far fetched.
THE PIXEEELS
THE PIXEEELS
Alastor said what..?
Alastor said what..?
I wrote a joke about minorities.
It's different to the other jokes.
My protractor broke
I wonder if it can still be used to a certain degree.
Girlfriend: Oh no how am I gonna tell dad I’m pregnant?
Me: Leave that to me later at dinner Her dad: coughs I need water Me: Oh no! Grandpa needs water!
How tall is Kanye West?
Oh, about Ye high
You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes
(That’s it. That’s the joke)
A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish
They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, " Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ? She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, " Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate." St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?" The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says, " Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate." All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St.Peter says, "Reeva, What seems to be the rush?" The girl replies, "If I’m going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jessica sticks her ass in it."
Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn’t touch with a ten foot pole.
I am thankful every day that I live in Canada.
I went to the doctor and he cloned me without my permission.
I was beside myself.
“How much to buy a singing ensemble?” “You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?”
When I was a child I wondered where the sun went at night
Then it dawned on me
Do you wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin
Why does killing people in GTA make me happy?
It’s the only time I’m ever wanted
The most corrupt president in American history. Also pictured: Richard Nixon.
https://ift.tt/2qIn6m2
Just so everybody’s clear…..
I'm going to put my glasses on
This Earth Day, join us at r/jokes as we celebrate being the most eco-friendly subreddit
Now made with 98% recycled content.
Partners in the geology lab were upset that I didn’t share the earthquake data…
It’s completely my fault
What’s Gordon Ramsay’s favorite subreddit?
It's fucking r/aww
I have finally made it
I have two kids, a three year old daughter and a one year old son. Today as we were driving home, my daughter said for the first time “dad I’m hungry” and I felt the power course through my veins knowing I was about to reach the pinnacle of existence. I delivered the revered line and my wife just looked at me and I knew I had achieved everything in life.
To the person who took my antidepressants:
I hope you’re happy!
I want to tell a joke about Nearly-Headless Nick.
But I'm afraid I won't execute it properly.
My friend claims he can build a gun using his new 3D printer, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
While on vacation in Spain with my wife..
I I started to feel funny. I had some pain in my chest and felt short of breath. I chalked it up to the long day we had just had, but I continued to feel worse. As we got out of the taxi and walked into the hotel, I collapsed. It became apparent to my wife and I that I was having a heart attack. I thought for sure I would die because the nearest hospital was 1/2 hour away. Suddenly from the back room came a woman wielding defibrillators. She shouted to the other staff to help and they ripped off my shirt and restarted my heart right there in the hotel. The ambulance arrived 20 minutes later, but thanks to this amazing woman my life had been saved. I spent the night in the hospital but I got out around noon the next day. I went back to the hotel to thank this woman. I said, “I’m amazed that a hotel this small has a full time doctor as skilled as yourself!” She replied, “No one expects the Spanish Inn physician.”
Justice is a dish best served cold.
Otherwise it would be justwater.
A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, “Please, may I hide under your skirt. i’ll explain later.”
The nun agreed… A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?" The nun replied, "He went that way." After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt said " I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria." The nun said, "I understand completely." The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!" The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls…. I don't want to go to Syria either."
How do you make an old lady say “Fuck”?
Have another one say "Bingo!"