I told my boyfriend we could watch a porn for his birthday and do everything that we saw in the video…
He was super psyched, until I fucked the pizza guy.
Accidentally gave my girlfriend a gluestick instead of chapstick.
She still isn't talking to me.
Telltale Games will shut down…
Fans will remember that
A woman looks into the mirror and says to her husband:
"I feel fat, old and ugly, give me a compliment". The man replies: "Your eyes are still working great".
This asparagus is just…
a spear, I guess.
Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?
Fo' drizzle
What do you call a psychic dwarf that escaped from prison?
A small medium at large.
I started carrying a gun after an attempted mugging a few years ago….
…since then my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
Yesterday a clown held a door open for me
I thought it was a nice jester
My doctor friend is addicted to hitting his patients on their knees to test their reflexes.
He really gets a kick out of it.
Hi, I’m Robin
https://ift.tt/2BoeOlb
I don’t advertise my lip reading business…
It’s all word of mouth…
Bernie Sanders confronted the head of the NSA and asked him why they are still illegally surveilling Americans.
The guy replied, “Some people just like to watch the world, Bern.”
I just had to divorce an Apple employee
It was an iDivorce
Firefighters are worth their weight in gold.
Police officers are worth their weight in copper.
A Jewish man decides his son isn’t religious enough, so pays for him to go visit Israel.
When the son comes back, however, he says he's a Christian now. The father goes to his friend exasperated to explain the situation, and his friend says "that's funny, I sent my son to Israel last year, and when he came back he also said he was Christian." The two men decide they should speak to their rabbi about this, but when they explain the situation, the rabbi says "that's funny, two years ago I sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian." The three men decide only God can have the answer, so they pray. The rabbi says aloud "dear God, all three of us sent our sons to Israel, and all of them came back Christian." God's voice booms down "that's funny…"
How do you get Trump to change a lightbulb?
Tell him Obama put it in
Two wrongs don’t make a right…
But two Wrights make a plane.
One day Stalin decides to go to the cinema in disguise and hear what people are really saying about him.
When the newsreel comes on the audience stands up and applauds each time he appears on the screen. Stalin is pleased. Modestly, he himself remains seated. After a few moments the man next to him leans over and whispers “Most people feel the same way you do Comrade, but you’ll be safer if you stand up.”
I knew an autistic baker who could make a loaf of bread in any shape.
He had special kneads.
I bought a car that can only be driven when the leaves are brown…
It's an autumn mobile.
I was going to be a history teacher.
But I don't like living in the past.
I’m not addicted to cocaine.
I just like the way it smells.
When a stripper gets money that definitely has jizz on it she has to report it to the government
Because it's gross income
I have a pen that can write underwater.
It can write other words too.
A dog runs up to their master carrying an unusual stick.
Master: Hey boy, what do you got there? Dog: Bark Master: Bark? Well where did you get such an unusual piece of bark? Dog: Ruff Master: The roof? Well how did you get all the way up there? Dog: With the ladder
Yo mama so fat
We are all concerned for her health, Kevin.
Why didn’t Obi-Wan forgive Darth Maul for killing his master?
He wasn't willing to let Qui-Gons be bygones.
My boss told me to have a good afternoon…
so I went home.