I told my dad I just met someone with one eye named john.
My dad…what was his other eye called?
Why do pirates listen to opera music?
Because they love the high Cs.
Son: Hey Dad can you pass me my sunglasses?
Dad: Sure! But can you pass me my dadglasses first?
I spotted an albino Dalmatian yesterday.
It was the least I could do for him.
Why did the bicycle fall over?
Because it was 2-tired. (Courtesy of my daughter)
Why haven’t aliens visited yet?
They checked the reviews of our solar system and only saw one star
My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic…
But I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
What do you call a bulletproof Irish man?
Rick O’Shay
I told my date that a guy like me is hard to find.
She didn't believe me. So I said, "Just ask the police."
What is the most popular animal in Reddit?
A karmadillo.
What’s the difference between a Monk and a Rogue?
A Rogue will pick the lock. A Monk will just use their Ki.
A French man, a British man and a Spanish man are caught stealing in a foreign country.
They are prosecuted and the judge sentences them all to 100 lashes each. However he wants to look lenient in the eyes of their respective countries so he reduces the lashes to twenty and allows them to have two requests each before being lashed. The Spanish is first to be lashed and requests a bottle of tequila and a pillow strapped to his back. They let him drink the tequila and strap the pillow to his back and then commence the lashes. After 5 lashes the pillow breaks and they keep lashing him. After the 20 lashes he's bawling and his back is horribly scarred. They haul him away to be sent back to Spain. The French man is next and he requests two pillows (one per request). After 10 lashes the pillows break and they continue with the next 10. By the end he's also horribly scarred and bawling, but not as bad as the Spanish guy. While they are hauling off the French guy the judge turns to the Brit and says "Well it's your turn now. What do you request?" The British man responds "First I want the original punishment of 100 lashes. I don't believe I should get off easy." The Judge yells "You're crazy! why would you do that?" The Brit responds "Because my next request is to have the French man strapped to my back."
How many South Americans it takes to change a bulb?
One brazilian
Why is 1 = 0
cos 0 = 1
“OMG, what’s going on? I can see through you.”
"My son told me he is transgender." "So?" "That makes me transparent."
Why did the latino man go to the therapist?
To talk about hispanic attacks.
I want to tell you about a girl who only eats plants,
You’ve probably never heard of herbivore.
What has four wheels and flies?
A rubbish truck
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the date they were bought.
It’s an extremely rare dish order.
A dad was washing his car with his son
After awhile, the son turned to his dad and said "Hey dad, why can't we use a sponge?"
A Politician, Sexual Predator and Criminal walk into a bar
Bartender says "What can I get for you Mr. President?"
Kids today will never know how awesome pogs were. Or how to drive a stick shift. Or how to speak.
Most things escape baby goats.
I left the general store empty handed
I was looking for something specific
What do you call an army of babies?
Infantry
I’d give my left bladder to be better in anatomy class.
No text found
Wife: I have to tell you something.. I’m pregnant
Dad: Hi pregnant, I'm dad Wife: No you arent
What’s the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?
One is a superhero, the other is a command.
Where did Noah put the bees?
In the Ark hives.
A group of kindergarteners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk. "You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana." "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo." She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words." She then asked Bobby what he had done. "I read a book," he replied. "That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the Shit."
Did you hear why the elevator repair guy was always so happy?
It’s because his job was so uplifting.
Three friends bragged about who has more sex….
Friend A said "You all have nothing on me. I go to the bar and bring home a woman every night. Not only that but I drive a corvette into work everyday and have a 8 inch penis. I have slept with more than 1,000 women" Friend B said "Oh yeah? Well I'm the top gynecologist doctor at the most highly rated hospitals in the world. I make $800,000 a year, have patients and nurses who have sex with me every hour I'm at work. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis. I have slept with well over 5,000 women." Friend C said, "I have you all beat. I fucked over all the Redditors who were expecting a punchline to this joke."
Wife “Do you want to watch The Last Airbender with us?”
Me "I dunno. I haven't even watched the first one." Groans from the wife and kids ensue.
What do you call a wandering caveman?
A meanderthal.
r/jokes Has 18 Million subscribers!
It's amazing what 7 jokes can do
My wife said that I act like a detective too much and that she wants to split up.
I told her good idea, we can cover more ground that way.
You have $400, your daughter text she needs $200, and your son text he needs $150. How much do you have left?
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages.
Just caught my son spanking a cardboard cutout of Dwayne Johnson.
He’s officially hit Rock bottom.
What’s the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people in Dubai don't like the Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi do.
I went to the zoo the other day and they only had a dog.
It was a shitzu.