I told my friend I hope to deliver a joke half as well as her some day.
Sadly, we men will never know the joys of childbirth.
I was at a really emotional wedding today…
Even the cake was in tiers.
What do you call a closet full of lesbians?
A liquor cabinet.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for the fresh prints.
3:15pm So the hockey season got cancelled in Canada because of the coronavirus
6:30pm Canada is now testing the vaccine for coronavirus
A tree’s first winter must be terrifying.
Imagine the releaf they feel in spring.
A charity was trying to convince the towns only millionaire in town to donate to them.
So they sent a worker to his mansion to try to convince him. When he asked the millionaire to donate, the millionaire became angry. "First," he said,"are you aware that my brother, a blind veteran who has four kids and a wife with terminal illness is being evicted in three days?" A little embarrassed, the charity worker replied. "Well, uhm no." "Also, did you know about my mother who is confined to a wheelchair and is living in a homeless shelter?" "Well no sir." "Exactly!" said the millionaire "So if I didn't help them, what makes you think I'll help you?"
For years, my parents sent me to a child psychologist
That kid didn’t help me at all.
A priest, a lawyer and a rabbi walk into a bar
The bartender asks "Is this a joke?"
A man walked into a bar
And stayed there my entire childhood
I’m tired of seeing “Hey OP, I slept with your mom last night!” every time I post something on Reddit.
I shouldn’t have told my dad what my username was.
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it
The internet connection at my farm was really poor, so I moved the modem to the barn.
Now I have stable wifi
A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert
They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."
Satan probably has some thoughts but I think his Twitter account is currently suspended
https://ift.tt/2Uwx8mV
Some cities have bathrooms that you pay to use.
You could say they are charging a Pee-mium.
Did you hear about the guy who’s been pick-pocketing midgets?
I can't believe someone would stoop so low!
How do you make a waterbed more bouncy ?
Add Spring Water
What should you do if you see a famous person at a water park?
Ask them for their watergraph.
Why do the people of Athens never wake up early?
Because Dawn is tough on Greece
True story, happened in grad school when we had to learn fortran for some reason
https://ift.tt/3009lyq
TIL that Tiger Woods always brings an extra sock with him to his golf tournaments.
Just in case he gets a hole in one.
A guy came up to me and said, “Man your clothes are so gay”
I said, “I know, they came out of the closet this morning”
Hey girl, are you a cop?
… because you’ve taken my breath away.
I ordered some glue online using Amazon, but it hasn’t arrived yet.
It’s probably stuck in the mail.
Did you hear about the electrician who drank on the job?
He got buzzed
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us, too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue'. "Eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
If I had a dollar for every racist thing I’ve said
some minority would probably mug me for it.