I told my friends I have a girlfriend…
They all laughed at me and told me she is isn't real.
Well Jokes on them because neither are they
Teacher asks her class, “If there’s 14 crows on a fence and you shoot 2 off, how many are left?
" One little boy says, "None, the shotgun scared them all away." Teacher says, "That's not the answer I was looking for, but I like the way you're thinking." Boy says to teacher, "I have a question for you." "There's 3 women eating ice cream cones. 1 is licking, 1 is sucking, 1 is biting. Which one is married?" Teacher answers (slightly embarrassed), "I imagine it's the one sucking." Boy says, "No, it's the one with the wedding ring, but I like the way your thinking !"
Where do cyclops’ party?
Eyebiza.
Why 69 was afraid of 70?
Because once they had a fight and 71.
If male cows ate one another instead of hay…
It would be appropriate to serve meals to them as "Can-a-bull."
There’s a lot of big words you’re hearing little buddy, I know it’s confusing …
https://ift.tt/2KkFdp3
How do mathematicians get rid of constipation?
They work it out with a pencil.
Its getting too hot to wear a suit
The weather just isn't suitable
What’s ET short for?
he’s got small legs
Did you hear about the recent race to send a cow to space?
The steaks will be higher than ever
Thank you, student loans, for getting me through college.
I don’t think I can ever repay you.
How do you know if someone is vegan?
They will tell you.
A German got pulled over by the Police in France.
Police Officer: Name? German: Heinrich Klimt Police officer: Age? German: 32 Police Officer: Occupation? German: No, no. Just visiting.
A 70 year old, 80 year old and 90 year old men in a nursing home were talking.
“Being 70 is the worst!” The 70 year old exclaims. “Every morning at 7, I wake up to pee, but nothing comes out!”“Oh, that’s nothing!” The 80 year old says. “Each morning at 8, I wake up to poop, and I sit on the toilet for what seems like hours, but nothing comes out!”“Oh, that’s nothing” The 90 year old says. “I have it the worst!”“Can you pee?” The first man asks.“Certainly! Every morning at 7, I pee like a champion.”“Can you poop?” The second man asks.“Yes I can! Each morning at 8, I have a regular bowel movement.”“Then I don’t understand what the problem is!” The first man says.“Well, I wake up at 9!”
After my wide died, I couldn’t look at another woman for 18 years
But when i got out of prison, it was totally worth it
On a cold winter’s morning
Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning: "Windows frozen, won't open." Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it." Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer is really screwed up now.”
What is the opposite of adulting?
Just kidding!
As I expected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
What’s dark humor?
A boy asks his mom: "Hey, mom, what is dark humor?" "See that disabled man over there?" She says "But mom, I'm blind" "Exactly, honey"
A sheepdog tells the farmer he’s going to round up the sheep and comes back with 50 sheep and the farmer says “We only have 48 sheep.”
The dog replies "I said I was going to round them up,"
When a girl changes her clothes in front of you, she’s either really interested or you’re level 99 friend-zoned
Or she hasn't spotted you in the tree yet
What’s a flat tire’s favorite vegetable?
A spare, I guess
My ex girlfriend was obsessed with trying to find the largest known prime number.
I wonder what she is up to now.
My therapist says I’m obsessed with vengeance
I’ll show him!
I only lasted a month at the calender factory.
They fired me after taking a day off
What did Trump say when he picked up the cheese shredder?
"With this, I will make America grate again."
What do raspberries do when they play instruments?
They have jam sessions!
At dinner, my parents told me that they always thought about having another child.
I said, “I would have loved to have a brother or a sister.” They said, “That’s not what we meant.”
Son: Hey Dad can you pass me my sunglasses?
Dad: Sure! But can you pass me my dadglasses first?
Recently, I have started gardening and started to plant all my herbs in alphabetical order. People often ask how I find the time.
I tell them “it’s next to the sage”
The cashier scanned my condoms then asked if I needed a bag.
I said, "Naw, she isn't that ugly."
I noticed 2 large bumps on my car battery.
I had them tested and one came back positive. Google says it’s terminal.
I tried to cheer my buddy up by inviting him to a poker night after cows broke into his marijuana store and ate all his product, but he couldn’t come.
He said that the steaks were too high.
A cloud is trying to be cool.
He's being smog