I told my girlfriend she was drawing her eyebrows too high
She looked surprised
Do you know what the generic name for Viagra is?
Mycoxafloppin
When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was instantly attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him if he had ever had sex. “Tarzan not know sex.” he replied.
Jane explained to him what it was. Tarzan said, "Ohhh…Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree." Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground. "Here." she said, pointing to her privates. "You must put it in here." Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her right in the crotch! Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually, she managed to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?!" Tarzan replied, "Check for squirrel."
The invention of the shovel
Was groundbreaking
What did I say when greeting the fashion designer?
"Nice Jimmy Choo."

My local supermarket stocks the Raspberry Pi magazines in the cooking section
https://ift.tt/2Od2utX
Why was Santaβs sack so big?
He only comes once a year.
I just found out that my friend has a secret life as a priest.
Itβs his altar ego.
Why can’t you trust a math teacher holding a graph paper?
She's definitely plotting something.
My dad showed me a 30 minute PowerPoint presentation on why one should always wear a condom during sex.
All the slides were just pictures of me.
Two twins have a race in the morning
One says to the other 'I bet I can get dressed faster than you' So each hurriedly puts their socks on, followed by their underwear and trousers, both at the same time. Now the hard part! Each fumbled frantically with their buttoned shirts, quickly but painstakingly ensuring that each button was right – a minute or so later each finished the last button at the same time. The heat was on! It was all down to the last item of clothing! It was a tie.
What do you call a rude grape?
…….Ungrapeful
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?
An investigator
As I was racking up to shoot some pool with my son, he said, βDo you wanna break?β
I said, βWe just got here. How lazy are you?β
Whatβs the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?
Ones a Goodyear. The other is a great year.
Bartender asks a man “You ever had ann orange in your beer?”
Man says "Once, in a Blue Moon."
Apparently girraffes only sleep 3 hours a day.
They must neckered.
I got an email that said “You have won Β£36,769,011. To complete the transaction we will need your bank details.”
"Certainly," I replied. "It's a big building with money inside."
My mother used to say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach…
Lovely woman, useless surgeon…
I put adderall into my Ford Fiesta
Now itβs a Ford Focus
I went to the therapist after my phone died.
I just needed an outlet.
Before my surgery my anaesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.
It was an ether/oar situation.
Iβve been so bored recently, I decided to take up fencing…
My neighbors said theyβll call the police if I donβt put it back…
My wife and I decided to curb our smoking habit a bit by only smoking after sex.
I havnt touched a cigarette in 10 years and shes up to 2 packs a day. RIP Rodney.
So, I’m reading this book written in Braille…
I just know something terribleβs about to happen… I can feel it.
Wanted: man has been stealing tires off police cars.
Authorities have been working tirelessly to catch him.
Whatβs ET short for?
So he can fit in the spaceship
Little Boy: Daddy I want to be like president Trump when i grow up!
Dad: "Well pick one son, you can't do both"
What did E.T.’s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
What do you call babies with guns?
Infantry
This is the only joke I have ever thought of that was (maybe) worth reposting
Long ago, in a land with giants and dragons there lived a very successful man. He made his wealth trading furs, dire wolf cloaks, unicorn hide gloves, tanned kraken belts, dragon scale boots, he traded in them all. This man, however had stopped sitting for any reason, so he would often dominate a room with his tall stature and commanding presence. Why? You may ask, and that is simple, he would always fall out of any seat in which he sat. His mantra began as much as an explanation as it was a focus during long hours of debate, trade, or travel: βI am bad at sitting.β Those around him believed him cursed, to find a seat was thought impossible. The man was simply very bad at sitting correctly, and due to his stubbornness he decided it was the chairs fault and not his own. This lead to many, often funny circumstances, and harrowing adventures. Using his vast wealth and political connections he sought help from the greatest mages of the east. The mages, certain they could create a chair of such comfort, and natural balance that there is no way the man could fail to sit in it properly. Alas, the man could not get comfortable or remain seated for more than a few moments, and thus he shunned the mages for their incompetence. After the unfortunate failings of the mages he traveled to the west, where the greatest warriors in all the realms of man made their homes. He went from town to town, seeking the greatest of all the warriors, he found and gathered the greatest swordsman, the greatest axe wielder, the greatest archer, the greatest tracker, and even the master of the arenas: who was the finest duelist in the world. From a traveling circus he gathered the best acrobats, those who could walk a quarter inch tightrope for miles without difficulty, with the ability to train others to do the same. The master swordsman was an ancient woman, who taught the merchant patience greater than any other man. The axe wielder trained him in strength, that he was among the strongest men on earth. The Archer taught him the bow, and to hold a steady position for hours, despite his bodyβs protests. The tracker taught him how to move lightly, he gained such control of his body he could traverse a lightly frozen pond without breaking the ice, or leaving a trace. The arena master taught him to duel, and how to maintain his focus in any circumstance. The acrobats taught him such balance that he could sit upon a sphere of stone, which sat upon a single spike of iron, and maintain this position for days. After years of training, and becoming one of the finest warriors, strongest men, best archers, most capable hunters, an equal to the master of the arena in a duel, and the third finest acrobat in the world, he still could not sit correctly in a chair. He could stand on a chair, he could sleep while balanced on the back of the chair, but he could not sit as he should. He tried for months, patient as the stone he would perch upon. After 17 more Moons, he decided that though he had not given up, perhaps he should seek knowledge and skill that man could not provide. He traveled far to the north, through frozen passes, over the highest mountains, and descended the deepest valleys. He had to hunt to survive, and all those he traveled with died on the untamed mountains. He moved boulders five times his size, he traversed hills that mountain goats would gawk at. In due time, he came to a great cave: the place he had lost so many friends – and so much time – to find. He ventured into the cave, searching for the great white dragon, said to be as ancient as time itself. Upon spotting the man, the dragon roared, loud enough to shake the mountains, and deafen any mortal, but the man stood firm, able to keep his calm in any situation. The dragon, seeing this, used magic to heal the old merchantβs ears, and said βWhat do you want, a human of such strength and skill to reach me, and such nerve as to not cower before me?β Though the merchant did not understand the language of dragons, he thought he understood the intent of the question. The man said βI am among the wealthiest merchants of the world, the strongest men on this plane, the finest hunter, and tracker known to man, an equal to the legendary duelists of the world, yet I can not sit in a chair. The greatest teachers of men, and the best enchanters in the land could not train me, nor use magic to cheat me, into comfort, or even long term discomfort in a chair. I am simply bad at it. Unfortunately, the dragon did not know the human language very well, and due to gross miscommunication ate the man whole. However, the man did not die, as he lay in the stomach of the dragon, he simply waited, knowing his life had come to an end. Three days passed, the dragon feeling more and more ill as time went on. On the fourth day the dragonβs mate returned, and asked him what was wrong. The Ancient dragon of the north replied βIt must have been something I ate, itβs just not sitting rightβ
Why was the vegan afraid of outer space?
Because it was filled with Meatorites.
TIL that Tiger Woods always brings an extra sock with him to his golf tournaments.
Just in case he gets a hole in one.
A man buys a lie detector robot
That slaps people who lie, and be decides to try it out on his son during dinner. βWhere were you during school hours?β He asks. βAt school!β His son replies. The robot slaps the boy. βOk I was at my friends house….β His son says. βWhat were you doing there? βReading comics!β The robot slaps the son again. βOk ok!! We were watching an erotic movie…β βWhat?? I didnβt even know erotic movies existed when I was your age!β The dad exclaims. The robot quickly slaps him. His wife laughs and says, βWow, he really IS your son-β The robot slaps the wife.
What did the baby corn say to the momma corn?
Where's pop corn?
Why donβt the Sons of Liberty have a secret knock?
Because freedom rings
Iron Man is FeMale
Refer to the periodic table of elements with questions.