I told my kids that due to the quarantine…
I’ll only be telling inside jokes.
This morning I got on the scales to weigh myself…
my wife walked by and I sucked in my gut, she said "That won't help" I said "Yes it will, now I can see the numbers"
What did the preacher say at the vegetable mass?
“Lettuce pray for peas on Earth.” Then “Why do I bother with puns, everyone here’s brain dead.”
Three women are sitting at a bar arguing over who has the biggest vagina.
The first girl says, ‘My boyfriend can fit a whole fist up there.’ The second girl says, ‘Ha, my boyfriend can fit two fists and a foot.’ The third girl just smiles as she slides down the bar stool.
Kissing half a billion dollars goodbye… Bloomberg’s worst return on an investment
https://ift.tt/2ToqSMU
A Brexit walks into a bar.
The barman says "Why the long farce?"
A Priest and a Cowboy are walking in the desert
They come across a flock of geese so the cowboy pulls out his two guns and empties them in the direction of the geese. "Fuck, I missed!" "Do not use that word, child, for God will smythe thy" They walk on and come across yet another flock of geese. Same thing. "Fuck, I missed" "Do not use that word, child, for God will smythe thy" Same thing happens a third time. Suddenly the Heavens open up and a lightning bolt strikes the priest down. An omnipresent voice, trembling with conviction says: "Fuck, I missed"
I tried to impress a bunch of people at a party by playing my guitar, but nobody took any notice.
They just frowned and moved to another part of the silent disco.
Got my dream job today. I get my own 200 thousand dollar company car and a corner window with a view of the city..
Being a city bus driver is a dream come true.
What’s the best way to kill communists?
Communism.
Why do women wear panties with flowers on them?
In loving memory of all the faces that have been buried there.
I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday
I guess I wasn't putting in enough shifts
Relatable.
Relatable.
A legit conversation today with my 2 1/2 year old son as we do our daily stroll past a train station that for once, has no trains stationed…
Son: Daddy, where is Thomas? Daddy: I don’t know, mate. Son: He must be working from home today. Is this his first dad joke?? Strange what they must be picking up from conversations. Got me good.
A farmer gets interviewed
Interviewer: How much milk do these cows give? Farmer: Which one? The Black one or the brown one? Interviewer: Brown one. Farmer: a couple of litres per day. Interviewer: And the black one? Farmer: A couple of litres per day. Interviewer (naturally a bit flummoxed): I see. What do you give them to eat? Farmer: Which one? Black or brown? Interviewer: Black. Farmer: It eats grass. Interviewer: And the other one? Farmer: Grass. Interviewer (now annoyed) : Why do you keep asking which one when the answers are the same?! Farmer: Because the black one’s mine. Interviewer: Oh, and the brown one? Farmer: It’s also mine.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician
And a Czech one too. A Czech one too.
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it!
A French man, a British man and a Spanish man are caught stealing in a foreign country.
They are prosecuted and the judge sentences them all to 100 lashes each. However he wants to look lenient in the eyes of their respective countries so he reduces the lashes to twenty and allows them to have two requests each before being lashed. The Spanish is first to be lashed and requests a bottle of tequila and a pillow strapped to his back. They let him drink the tequila and strap the pillow to his back and then commence the lashes. After 5 lashes the pillow breaks and they keep lashing him. After the 20 lashes he's bawling and his back is horribly scarred. They haul him away to be sent back to Spain. The French man is next and he requests two pillows (one per request). After 10 lashes the pillows break and they continue with the next 10. By the end he's also horribly scarred and bawling, but not as bad as the Spanish guy. While they are hauling off the French guy the judge turns to the Brit and says "Well it's your turn now. What do you request?" The British man responds "First I want the original punishment of 100 lashes. I don't believe I should get off easy." The Judge yells "You're crazy! why would you do that?" The Brit responds "Because my next request is to have the French man strapped to my back."
A man and his wife are watching tv. He keeps switching between fishing and porn.
After a while, the man’s wife says, “Keep it on porn, you already know how to fish.”
A teenager’s car won’t start out at the mall one night
He tries everything he knows to do, but finally calls his father for help. Mom and Dad come up to mall parking lot, dad gets into the car, turns the key once, and the engine roars to life. The teenager is shocked at how easy it was. "Dad! What did you do differently? I tried everything!" "It was easy son. I'm wearing my cargo shorts."
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high….
She looked surprised…
What do you call a blind dinosaur?
A Do-you-think-he-saurus
Cockroaches can survive a nuclear holocaust but can’t survive a slap from a newspaper.
That shows how toxic the media is.
Without a mask on, I shopped at a store that had a strict mask policy.
Before leaving, I asked the security guard why he let me shop without a cover and he said that Halloween masks are acceptable too. :_(
I walked into my girlfriends bedroom yesterday without knocking.
As I walked in I heard her whisper to herself “I’m ugly.” I responded “I’m pregnant.” She was confused so I confessed, “I thought we were saying things the were impossible.”
When 2 people have sex, its a twosome. When 3 people have sex, its a threesome
Now I know why people call you handsome
Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster
So we can think about a solution in silence.
I left $100 in my suit jacket at the dry cleaners.
Unfortunately when I went to get it back, they were shut down for money laundering.
Put some desks and a blackboard in my living room today…
To make it more classy…