I told my son I was named after Thomas Jefferson… He said, “But dad, your name is Brian.” I said, “I know, but I was named AFTER Thomas Jefferson.”
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If you're talking to drugs, it's probably too late to say no to them.
Dad: Looks like you got them all cut.
I just sense this looming dread.
Me: I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way. Genie: I promise that won't happen. I'm so sure it won't I'll give you infinite wishes if it does. Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth. Genie: You son of a ……..
Me: I poured some concrete once. Son: Was that really hard? Me: It is now. (This took place at lunch earlier today. Was followed by groans all around.)
No pun in ten did.
Turns out I’m 100% dyslexic.
A receding hairline.
Terrible way to go, but I'm just glad it was instant
If it can make it there, it can make it anywhere.
Under the g(o)rill(a).
I said, “We just got here. How lazy are you?”
I responded with, "no, but we can arm wrestle any day."
She said, "Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights".
My door to door fruit delivery business failed terribly because of my horrible interpersonal skills.
I was driving people bananas.
He seems confused as to why my car would dress like that.
It’s where I flip your MOM over
A lumberjack went into a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree. It shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree”
The lumberjack smiled, “and you will dialogue”.
If you lose your job you still have to come in.
He tells the bartender one beer please and one for the road
Nothing, it just waved.
In the cafeteria, everyone is telling stories on why they’re here One man explains how he got caught robbing a bank Another tells the story of him getting busted selling drugs Another says how he killed someone Then they all ask the guitarist why he’s in here He replied: I fingered the wrong minor
When do we want them! Nooooooooooowwwwwwwwww
The rabbit says, "I think I'm a Type-O"
Because tea leaves.
He is Sirloin.
Because his jokes Neverland 😀
Because noble gasses don’t cause a reaction
No wait, she's back. She just went to get coffee.
I think I might be Lacoste intolerant.
It’s currently half empty.