I told my son the other day to never write with a dull pencil.
There's no point
I said no but I do I a pretty good bohemian rhapsody.
Just the other day I woke up to my beautiful and loving wife holding a pillow tightly over my face to protect me from the coronavirus.
Because he found his honey.
Because their horns don’t work.
RIP Larry Tesler, the UI designer that created Cut, Copy and Paste, died age 74
Me: thanks for reminding me
My wife flashed before my eyes.
I was walking through the park, when these two kids started verbally abusing me. So I told them off.
Then the mother got involved with a real volley of the worst swear words I have ever heard. So I asked her, are the children twins? She said how the fuck can they be twins? One is 12 the other is 8 you stupid fucking Prick. I replied, I couldn't imagine anyone fucking you twice..
Sails are through the roof.
Cause he doesn’t wanna be spotted
They turnip the beets
We're currently filming the pilot.
Now I wake up 5 minutes earlier every day so that I don’t have to listen to it.
The zookeeper told me it was bread in captivity.
I replied, " No, is that still required?"
Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day". The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson. "And you, Susie? " the teacher asks. Susie says "I wanna be Johnny's bitch."
I serve laxatives at one and everyone loses their shit
What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous
Cop: it’s a …..moving violation.
(x-post r/jokes) My wife told me that she couldn’t turn her neck because it hurts so much, so I told her to look forward to a massage tonight…
…Since she can't look sideways anyways…
I'm going to put my glasses on
sadly it was a Type-O