I told my son the other day to never write with a dull pencil.
There's no point
I don’t advertise my lip reading business…
It’s all word of mouth…
I got the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza” confused.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Son/Daughter: Hey I got a haircut! What do you think?
Dad: Looks like you got them all cut.
I told the doctor at the ER that I could do my own stitch work.
He replied “Okay, suture self”
My baby just swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles.
The next diaper change could spell disaster.
classic
classic
What did the maid request when asked to make the wood furniture sparkle?
"We need more lemon pledge"
What’s the difference between a constipated owl and a bad marksman?
A bad marksman shoots, but can't hit. A constipated owl hoots, but can't shit.
What is often at the beginning of a question
No text found
“Hi my name is David and i lost my ID…
… I guess you can call me Dav now."
A man’s fence is broken and he needs to hire someone to fix it
So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free. He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to lose so he hires him. Sure enough a few days later the monk shows up with a toolkit in hand, the man shows the monk that his fence has been ripped out of the ground and that he needs to replace it. About an hour later the monk walks in and tells the man he is finished, and when the man goes outside he sees that the fence is perfect, thinking he can't just tell the monk to leave after doing such a great job for free he invites the monk inside for a cup of coffee. The man then starts talking to the monk, "It surprised me to see a monk offering services for fence repair, why do you do it?" he asked the monk replied "Religious reasons." The man then says "I don't know much about Buddhism, why do you need to repair fences?" "Because" the monk replied, "You would be surprised at the amount of karma you get for reposting."
Why do riot police like to go to work early?
To beat the crowd
Stephen King has a son named Joe.
I’m not joking, but he is.
I respect tyres.
They've got plenty of wheelpower.
Why are people with foot fetish losers?
Because they like to taste defeat.
President Trump said “No politician in history — and I say this with great surety — has been treated worse or more unfairly.”
I guess the 6 Presidents who were shot no longer count *edit had 4 in post originally
What do u give a dog that has high temperature?
Mustard, it's the best thing for a hot dog
I have a friend that is very wealthy and loves to flaunt his possessions.
So much so that it can rub some people the wrong way. He invited my wife and I out for a vacation to his lake house. At one point he had us walk down to the lake so we could see his latest purchase. As he gloated about his new watercraft, my wife whispered to me, “He’s getting on my nerves.” I replied, “Don’t mind him; he’s just show boating.”
How do you get “Dick” from “Richard”?
You ask him nicely
My girlfriend asked me when I last had sex with someone that wasn’t her…
“Back in 02” I said, Sounds much better than February.
How do you get an old lady to say the f word?
You get another old lady to say “Bingo.”
How do Japanese chihuahuas say hello?
Konnichihuahua
Pinocchio, Snow white, and Superman
Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a little stroll in town one afternoon enjoying the sunshine. As they walked, they come across a sign: "Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world." "I am entering!" said Snow White. After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd ya go?" "I won First Place!," said Snow White. They continue walking and they see another sign: "Contest for the strongest man in the world." "I'm entering" says Superman. After half an hour, he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?" "I won first place too." answers Superman. "Did you ever have a doubt?" They continue walking when they see a third sign: "Contest – Who is the greatest liar in the world?" Pinocchio quickly enters the contest. After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes. "What happened?" they asked. "Who the hell is Donald Trump ?" asked Pinocchio.
Shout out to my GPS
I don't know where I'd be without it
You are under arrest
Police: You are under arrest! Me: Why? Police: Because you transport 6 people at once on a single motorcycle. Me: Did you say six? Police: that is correct, six! Me: Damn it, we have lost Chantal.
Why did the medium cross the road?
To speak to the other side!
I know now why Trump wants to build a wall
It's been years since he managed to erect anything
A Scotsman, Englishman and an Irishman were drinking at a bar
"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink." "Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two." "Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!" The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true. "Did this actually happen to you?" "Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times … "
What does Bill say to Hillary after sex?
Honey I'll be home in 20 minutes.
I got fired for wearing a mini-skirt to work
They said the customers complained about my hanging dick
Knock Knock
Who’s there? Daisy. Daisy who? Daisy me rollin’ they hatin’
Tried to grab the fog this morning
unfortunately, I mist.
I started to let Jesus take the wheel, but then I remembered…
that motherfucker ain’t afraid to die.
Apparently my snoring is so loud that
I scare everyone in the car I'm driving