I told my son to not marry a tennis player.
Love means nothing to them.
A man stumbles upon a magic lamp…
He rubs the lamp and a genie pops out! The genie says that he will grant the man only one wish, and that he has to pick from three choices. He can either be the richest man in the world, the most popular man in the world, or the wisest man in the world. The man says "We all know that money does not bring happiness, and that popularity just makes you a slave to the whims of others, but wisdom is everlasting. I want to be the wisest man in the world." The Genie goes "poof" and suddenly the man's face assumes a serene expression. He sits down, rubbing his chin in thought. Then he looks towards the genie and says, "I should have taken the money".
What do you call a midget having an orgasm?
A shortcoming
I am Buzz Aldrin. Second man to step on the moon.
Neil before me.
Joe Biden may not be exciting to liberals (myself included), but let’s keep perspective here
https://ift.tt/2THaNAY
A bartender is sitting behind his bar when a well dressed but obviously drunk man stumbles in.
"Bartender! A drink for everyone, a drink for me, and a drink for yourself!" The man yells as he approaches. The bartender pours all the drinks, the whole bar cheers, they all drink. The bartender hands the bill to the man, and he just shrugs and says, "Oh I didn't bring my wallet with me tonight, sorry." The bartender proceeds to beat the living daylights out of the man and throws him out. The next night, the bartender is again behind his bar when the same well dressed but intoxicated man stumbles in. "Bartender! A drink for everyone, a drink for me, and a drink for yourself!" The man happily announces as he approaches. The bartender thinks, "This guy cant be that stupid, he probably came to pay. Now I feel bad for beating him so hard last night." He pours all the drinks, the the whole bar cheers, they all drink. Bartender hands the bill to the man, and he again shrugs and says, "Oh I didn't bring my wallet with me again, sorry." The bartender proceeds to beat the man even harder and kicks him out. Third night in a row, the bartender just cant believe his eyes when he sees the man return. "Bartender! A drink for everyone, and a drink for me!" The man calls out as he approaches. The bartender is fuming and grins sardonically, "What, no drink for ME tonight?" The drunk looks at him and says, "Nah man, you get way too violent when you drink."
Long. A little white rabbit is being chased through the forest by a bear.
As they are running, they both trip over a magic lamp. The genie pops out and looks at the two. “Since you both touched the lamp, you will both get 3 wishes,” says the genie. The bear starts jumping up and down waving its paws and says “Oh, oh, oh, me first! I wish all the bears in this forest except for me were female!” The genie snaps his fingers and all the bears in the forest except for this bear are females. The rabbit says, “I’ll take a scooter, please.” The genie snaps his fingers and poof a little white scooter just the right size for the rabbit appears. The bear says, “Oh, oh, oh! If you can make all the bears in this forest female, then I want all the bears in this country but me to be female!” The genie snaps his fingers and all of the bears in that country except for this bear are females. The rabbit says, “I’ll take a helmet.” The genie snaps his fingers and a little white helmet with ear holes appears on the seat of the scooter. The bear is really excited now. He leaps up and down and yells, “If you can make all the bears in this country female, then I wish all the bears in the world were female except me!!” The genie snaps his fingers and all the bears in the entire world except for this bear are female. The rabbit puts on his helmet and hops on the scooter. He looks at the genie, then at the bear, then back to the genie. He says, “I wish the bear was gay,” and drives off.
What are Mario’s jeans made of?
Denim denim denim Denim denim denim
How do you get a farm girl to like you?
A tractor
Why did the Corona Virus cross the street?
To help seniors get to the other side
I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes
it's all about raisin awareness
I’ve started saying “mucho” to all of my Mexican friends.
It means a lot to them.
People always say that the Romans didn’t handle the whole Jesus situation very well
I think they nailed it.
Genie: “What’s your first wish?”
Steve: "I wish I was rich!" Genie: "Okay, what's your next wish?" Rich: "I wish I had lots of money!"
Hay bales under a buck
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Japanese Banking Crisis
Uncertainty has hit the Japanese banking industry. In the past week, Origami bank has folded, Sumo bank has gone belly up and Bonsai bank announced plans to cut some of its branches. Last week it was announced that Karaoke bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song while shares in Kamikaze bank were suspended after they nosedived. Samurai bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja bank is reported to have taken a hit, but it remains in the black. Furthermore 500 staff at Karate bank got the chop and analysts report there is something fishy going on at Sushi bank where it’s feared staff may get a raw deal.
What’s Irish and stays outside all year?
Patty O’Furniture
I always lie behind my wife’s back and I hate it…
I want to be the little spoon too sometimes.
Irishman got a job at the zoo, first week there, someone asked him “would you fuck the gorilla for £2,000?”
Irishman said "on three conditions, I don't wanna kiss it, I don't want any of my friends or relatives to find out, and give me a couple of months to get the money together".
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
I hate Russian dolls
They’re so full of themselves
Hillary under investigation=guilty, but Trump under investigation=witch hunt.
https://ift.tt/2WLlJPk
I just found out how to burn 2000 calories
I left my brownies in the oven too long
My first-time pregnant wife asks “why does it take so long for me to warm up?”
Without missing a beat I responded, "because you're heating for two now." I then proceeded to laugh at my own joke. I feel like I'm prepared for my future as a dad.
I’m sure there’s an army of weavers coming our way.
I just sense this looming dread.
What did the cowboy say when he was reborn?
What incarnation?!
A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED! MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME, AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON. On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair. The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you … you have no legs!" The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!" She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!" Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!" She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?" With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
Someone once told me I had a nice-ass shirt.
I told them that they can just call it pants.
There is a new reality show where flat earthers are trying to find the edge of the world.
They will be so disappointed when the finale is not a cliffhanger.
My girlfriend just admitted she was having an affair with our teacher.
I don't know what's worse, that I'm being cheated on or the fact we're both homeschooled.
Scientists definitively confirmed today that anteaters are incapable of contracting coronavirus.
This is because they're filled with anty bodies.
I just bought the personalized license plate BAA BAA…
For my black jeep…
Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn’t change color?
He had a reptile dysfunction.