I told my wife I wanted to name our unborn son Obvious.
She said, "That's a stupid name."
I said, "Now you're gestating the Obvious."
A gay couple is traveling on a plane. Let’s call them Steve and Bill.
"What if we had sex?" asks Steve. "Are you crazy? Here, on the plane? It would be awkward, everyone would watch us doing it…" "Nobody is even paying attention to anything. Look!" Steve stands up and asks loudly: "Could I have a pencil, please?" Nobody gives a damn. Everyone is sleeping, reading, looking out the window, etc. "They really wouldn't care then, would they?" says Bill. So Steve and Bill have wild sex on the plane. Later, when the plane arrives to the airport and the people are leaving, the stewardess sees an old man who threw up all over his shirt, even his pants are soaking in the filth. "Sir, you should've asked for a bag!" "I didn't dare" whispers the old man. "A few rows ahead I saw a man asking for a pencil and he got fucked in the ass…"
I called the doctor “My wife is going into labor! What should I do?” “Is this her first child?” he asked.
"No, this is her husband."
I saw a sign outside the gym that said “OPEN 24/7”
I thought, "How useless is that? July is ages away."
My dad told me that he wished me a deep hole filled with water
I know he meant well
What kind of bees make milk?
Boobees
Whatβs the difference between a computer and an American?
An American doesnβt have trouble-shooting.
To be frank
Iβll have to change my name.
The first joke my 3yo self ever made
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? To get to the bottom. My dad remembers me being really proud of it and telling everyone, haha!
My wife said to me that if I got her another stupid gift this Christmas, she would burn it…
So I bought her a candle…
Having sex on regular basis keeps your memory strong and healthy.
Happy New Year 2016 everyone.
What do you call Batman skipping church?
Christian Bale
Mom asked me why I deposited a pair of shoes into my bank account.
Me: "Well, you said my account should have a new balance. ;)"
My mate said he’d seen another bloke put his arms around my girlfriend three times.
"Fuck off," I said, "nobody's got arms that long"
Did you know
You can hear the blood in your veins. If you listen… varicosely
Having gay parents must be horrible
I mean you either get twice the usual amount of dad jokes or get stuck into infinite loop of βgo ask your momβ.
Are you tired of boiling water every time you make pasta?!
Just boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later!!
There’s no way it’s looking at degen forums. Probably cringey wholesome ones. Time to invade
There’s no way it’s looking at degen forums. Probably cringey wholesome ones. Time to invade
Judge: I hereby find you guilty for all crimes you have been charged with. For sentencing I order you to spend life behind bars without possibility of parole
Criminal: That's a long sentence, I demand a shorter one. Judge: U did it. Go 2 jail forever.
When dad died he left me his Subaru.
It was his final Legacy.
I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader.
The look on his face was priceless.
An arrogant gazelle walks up to a bunch of lions and tells them how much better he is than them.
He was consumed by pride.
Did you hear William Shatner was starting his own underwear line?
But βShatner Pantiesβ was not a good business.
I have a rare condition that prevents me from putting on foundation, mascara, eyeliner, etc.
No really, you canβt make this up.
What’s the difference between a porcupine and a BMW ?
The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
Why is βyachtβ spelled that way instead of like βyot?β
Because why nacht.
A monkey is smoking a joint
A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says "Hey, what are you doing?" The monkey says "Smoking a joint. Come up and join me" So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey, and they have another joint. After a while, the lizard says his mouth is 'dry', and that he's going to get a drink from the river. At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans over too far and falls in. A crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side. He then asks the lizard "What's the matter with you!?" The lizard explains that he was up in the tree, smoking a joint with the monkey and his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in! The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says "Hey, MONKEY!" The monkey looks down and says "OMG! DUUUUDE …. HOW MUCH WATER DID YOU DRINK?!"
I watched a documentary on frogs the other day
It was ribbiting.
I’ve developed a fetish for figuring things out.
I just came to that realization.
My forehead is very lenient with my eyebrows.
It gives them a lot of wiggle room.
Happy Get Rid of the Meddlesome Carpenter Day
Happy Get Rid of the Meddlesome Carpenter Day
My favorite response when I’m canceling an account and they force me to give them feedback
https://ift.tt/33TlSnc
A truck loaded with Vicks Vapour Rub crashed on the freeway today.
There was no congestion for 8 hours.
I always get confused between bowling and baseball…
But, to be fair, they have striking similarities
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What’s the difference between “comma” and “coma”?
The length of the pause.
I saw a man walking down the road with a woman on his back
I said "where are you going?" He replied "Fancy dress party" "What as?" I asked "Tortoise" the man shouted back "Who's she?" I questioned To which he responded "That's Michelle"