I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high
She looked surprised
A weasel walks in to a bar. The bartender says “What can I get you?”
“Pop” goes the weasel.
Why can’t werewolves tell time
Because they are not when wolves
The skydiving instructor asked if there were any questions.
So…Is it a freefall? I asked him. He said, It is, indeed. I said, Good, because I haven't got any money.
Humans can catch diseases from monkeys and bats, but why not anteaters?
Because they are filled with anty bodies.
My friend lost his job at the dairy farm because of his erratic behaviour.
He was a danger to himself and udders.
There are 3 genders
Male Female IMAGINATION
3 Beers
A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of beer. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains. "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking." “It hasn't affected my brothers though."
Bullets are quite weird…
They only do their jobs after they are fired
It’s easy to convince ladies not to eat tide pods.
But it's harder to deter gents. I'll let myself out.
I wasn’t sure what to wear to my Pre-Mature Ejaculators Anonymous meeting…
so I just came in my pants.
When you have studied too much organic chemistry the past days and get this advertisement email
https://ift.tt/35x0iF1
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
“Aye, matey”
No one is afraid of llama kisses, so why is everyone so worried about…
…the alpaca lips?
A teenager is trying to decide where to go to college.
He's stuck at a crossroads between three schools – Harvard, Hampden-Sydney, and Alabama. To try and get some guidance, he asks his father, "Well, what are my chances of getting laid at Harvard?" "Oh, not good at all," his father says. "They're too focused on studying and working to have any fun at all." "What about Hampden-Sydney?" "Well, it's an all guys school, so unless you're into that, I wouldn't be too confident." "Well, Alabama has to have something, right?" "Alabama!" the father says with a chuckle. "Well, at Alabama, I'd say your chances of getting laid are pretty relative!"
Why didn’t the lifeguard rescue the hippie?
Because he was too far out man.
Why don’t dolphins have legs?
It would de-feet the whole porpoise…
Hooters
Two men grow up together, but after college one moves to Maryland and the other to Texas. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other. At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch. "Where you wanna go?" "Hooters." "Why Hooters?" "They have those servers with the beautiful bosoms, the tight shorts and the gorgeous legs." "You're on." At age 42, they meet and play golf again. "Where you wanna go for lunch?" "Hooters." "Again? Why?" "They have cold beer, big screen TVs, and side action on the games." "OK." At age 52 they meet and play again. "So where you wanna go for lunch?" "Hooters. "Why?" "The food is pretty good and there's plenty of parking." "OK." At age 62 they meet again. After a round of golf, one says, "Where you wanna go?" "Hooters." "Why?" "Wings are half price and the food isn't too spicy." "Good choice" At age 72 they meet again. Once again, after a round of golf, one says, "Where shall we go for lunch?" "Hooters." "Why?" "They have six handicapped parking spaces right by the door and they have senior discounts." "Great choice." At age 82 they meet and play again. "Where should we go for lunch?" "Hooters." "Why?" "Because we've never been there before." "Okay."
Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft?
He conditioned it
If you think Thursdays are depressing, wait two days
It will be a sadder day
A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.
She was thrilled at the speed. "If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked. "Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel. "Go and get help!" he cried. "But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!" "Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself." Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!" The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do…he's in too far."
Creating a joke is one thing. But delivering it is another.
I think my mother did a commendable job in that regard.
I broke two of my dads Queen records…
Now I want to break three.
Why do the Irish only put 239 beans in their soup?
Because one more bean would be too farty.
There are 10 types of people in this world.
Those who understand binary, and those who don't.
I’m sure Trump will explain everything to Lindsey and it’ll all be fine in a couple days.
https://ift.tt/2IGWeZw
LPT: If you have trouble remembering your password, find a picture of some running shoes and stare at it.
maybe it'll help jog your memory.
What’s Batman’s favourite fruit?
Ba-na-na-na-na-na
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller.
How do you get America to enter a World War?
Tell them it's almost over
I was going to post a time travel joke
But you didn't like it.
My grandfather’s last words were, “Gallons. Quarts. Litres.”
That spoke volumes.
Why are there no cats on Mars?
Curiosity
My bathroom mirror is so dirty
But I just can't see myself cleaning it