I TOLD THIS JOKE ON MOUNT RUSHMORE EX DEE 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
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Me at age 10: “I wish I was a dog. They’re always happy, get to run around all day, and everyone loves them!”
Me at age 24: "I wish I was a dog. I'd have died by now."
Someone who is fed up with people.
The bartender asks, "what'll it be, Mr. President?"
“Excuse me,” I said to the woman sat in front of me on the bus, “You have some semen on the back of your jacket.”
"I'm sure it's not semen," she said, "It's probably just yogurt." "It's definitely semen," I said, "I don't ejaculate yogurt"
It’s okay though, I only have super fish oil injuries.
I never knew my real ladder.
Butane, because it's lighter fluid…
He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.
They are Santa's star bucks
A priest hooks a huge fish Helping him reel it in, a sailor says “Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!”. “Hey, mind your language!” says the priest. Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, “Sorry father, but that’s what this fish is called, it’s a Fucker fish”. Accepting the explanation, the priest forgives the sailor and takes the fish back to church. “Look at this huge fucker” says the priest, spotting the bishop. “Language, please! this is God’s house,” replies the bishop. “No, no that’s what this fish is called, “says the priest. “Oh,” says the bishop, scratching his chin “I could clean that fucker and we could have it for dinner”. So the bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to the mother superior. “Could you cook this fucker for dinner tonight?” he asks her. “My, what language!” she exclaims, clearly shocked. “No, sister that’s what the fish is called – a fucker”, says the bishop. Satisfied with the explanation, the mother superior says, “Wonderful, I’ll cook that fucker tonight, The Pope is coming for dinner!” The fish tastes just great and The Pope asks where they got it. “Well, I caught the fucker!” says the priest. “And I cleaned the fucker!” says the bishop. “And I cooked the fucker!” says the mother superior. The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely glaze, leans back on his chair, takes off his cap, puts his feet up on the table, pours himself a whiskey and says:“ You know what?, You cunts are alright.”
It's a Jehovah Witness working from home.
You boil the Hell out of it
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This is a reference to the Descartes quote "I think, therefore I am." But if I had explained that earlier, it would have been putting Descartes before the horse.
Because they’re good at it.
Because with great power comes great response ability
It’s a dream job
Husband: “Ok… but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high”
An ambulance you racist!!
If it is, I don't get it
Because of the indoor fins…
Bartender says "Wrong joke, yours is across the road"
I bought it at a Yard sale.
He said, "When I am about to take a shot, it's like magic, I can just see the line where I need to shoot." Then he threw a dart and got a bullseye on the first throw and I asked how he could aim the dart so well. He said, "When I am about to throw a dart, it's like magic, I can just see the line where I need to throw it." Later, he got in a fight with another guy at the bar. He threw a punch and missed badly. I asked how he could throw such a poorly aimed punch. He said, "There is no punch line."
I've never run so far in my life.
Now I've got two adult knees.
But I called her Bluff.
Not screaming like the passengers in the car.
Ensures that you end up in the cast…
But he really saved the History channel.
The waiter stopped by their table and said "is anything ok?"
Love it. Then it will leave you after a while for someone else.