I TOLD THIS JOKE ON MOUNT RUSHMORE EX DEE ππππππππ
I went to the doctors the other day because I cant stop showing off.
They prescribed me some anti gloating cream. I cant wait to rub it in.
I donβt always install solar panels for free…
But this ones on the house
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards…
Creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
My friend just had an orgasm after she started thinking reasonably…
She came to her senses!
A mathematics professor arrived home at 3 am drunk…
His wife was up waiting for him… "You said you'd be home by 11:45!" she yelled He responded, "No my dear, I said I'd be home at a quarter of 12."
What did the mouse use to build his house?
Cottage cheese
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with wearing different clothes every half an hour.
I said, βWait, I can change.β
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
It's fine, he woke up.
I had a friend whose hobby used to be rolling up and punting nun’s clothing.
He kicked the habit.
Why did the console player cross the road?
To render the buildings
Does anyone know Bruce Lee’s dad’s name?
It's always been a Mr. Lee to me.
Irishman and the Priest
An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church. ''Father'', he confessed, ''it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month.'' The priest told the sinner, ''You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'' Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. ''Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months.'' This time, the priest questioned, ''Who is this Nookie Green?'' ''A new woman in the neighborhood,'' the sinner replied. ''Very well,'' sighed the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's." At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes. The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear. The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, ''Is that Nookie Green?'' The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, ''No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes."
A man has been drinking alone all day at a bar and checks his clock
"1:30am, fuck. I need to go home now or my wife's going to rip my balls off", thinks to himself. But as he's trying to get up, he falls awkwardly to the floor. "I'm just way too drunk right now, I need to sober up." So he asks the barman for a coffee, he drinks it up and 30 minutes later he tries to stand up, but again, falling to the floor, this time, even harder. At this point he realizes he needs to get home no matter what, so he starts crawling towards his house. After 40 minutes he gets there, lays down next to his (asleep) wife and passes out. The next morning his wife wakes him up and starts shouting at him, "So… how was last night, huh? Was it fun drinking all day?" The man is 100% sure his wife was asleep when he got home so he tries to play it cool, "Not really, just hanging with some coworkers… we didn't drink much… just a couple of beers." The woman starts nodding sarcastically and responds, "The bar owner called this morning, your wheelchair's there, you dumbfuck."
A homosexual, a con artist and a child molester walk into a bar.
"What can I get you, father," asks the bartender.
I Can swear, I’ve seen someone who did the last one, and complained it didn’t work!π
https://ift.tt/2NaXfvM
A priest is walking to his church when he passes a group of prostitutes.
One of them yells out β$20 for a blowjob, Father!β The priest puts his head down and speed walks the rest of the way. When he arrives at the church he nervously approaches one of the nuns and asks her βSister, whatβs a blowjob?β She tells him β$20, Same as downtownβ
To the man who stole my camouflage jacket in the wheelchair
You can hide but you canβt run
Do you wanna hear a ghost joke ?
that's the spirit.
We should send sex offenders to storm Area 51
Alien Vs Predator
Why did Waldo wear stripes?
Because he did not want to be spotted
Conjoined twins are level-headed people.
No text found
Trump should not have said “shit-hole countries”.
The correct term is "Turd World Countries".
A girl was driving down the road with me in the car, and she was fumbling with a map and saying, βI’m looking for a turn-off.β
I said, βI repost jokes on Reddit.β
Asked me girlfriend if I was the only one sheβd ever been with
She replied βyes, the rest were nines and tensβ
NSFW While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, “Are you okay?”
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for… "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look. She said, βGet in and Iβll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.β "That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!" "Oh, come now, Iβm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly." Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this." We arrived at her place which was just a few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now." "Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs Iβve ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" "Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess."
How much sperm does a gay guy have?
A buttload
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the ocean?
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the ocean? Bob. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in front of the door? Matt. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a volcano? Anakin Skywalker
I have a friend with 5 legs,
His pants fit like a glove.
Dong. Ding Dong.
James Bond's doorbell
My wife thought I wouldnβt be stupid enough to give our daughter a silly name.
But I decided to call her Bluff.
What did the President say when his prepared remarks got blown away by the wind?
Nothing, he was speechless.
My girlfriend asked how do I view lesbian relationships…
Apparently 1080p wasn't the best answer.
Two Women Were Playing Golf…
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed-off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She then explained that she was a physical therapist and offered to help ease his "pain." "Please allow me to help, I am a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!" She told him earnestly. "Ummph, oooh, nnnoo, I'll be alright…I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. She gently took his hands away and laid them to his side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage to his privates for several long moments and then asked, βHow does that feelβ? The man looked up at her and replied, "That feels pretty good … but my thumb still hurts like hell!"