I told you doc. Dont say those names🥺
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!”
What a weird way to start a conversation
What bird never knows the lyrics to a song?
A hummingbird!
Never date a tennis player
Love means nothing to them
How can you tell a vampire has a cold?
They start coffin.
When a woman is giving birth….
She is literally kidding.
Don’t get mad at lazy people..
They didn't do anything.
Wouldn’t it be ironic if Trump was brought down
By a virus from China , named after a Mexican beer?
The snow yeti stopped doing sas-squats and started doing sit ups.
Now he's the Abdominal Snowman.
My parents treat me like a god…
…they don't believe in me.
I was told I should be a stand up comedian
But I prefer sitting
The Mailman
Courtesy of my science teacher who gives us a joke every day before class. A kid, about 5 or 6 years old, woke up one night at 4 in the morning screaming. His mother rushed into the room to see what was wrong. He told her he dreamed that their cat died. The mother assured him the cat was fine and they both went back to sleep. At about two o'clock in the afternoon the next day, the mother went outside to find their cat, which wasn't that old, dead. The next early morning, the kid woke up screaming again, and the mother rushed in. He informed her he dreamed that their grandma died. Almost like clockwork, the mother got a call at two o'clock that their grandma had a heart attack. She didn't make it over in time to say goodbye. Once again, at 4 in the morning the kid woke up screaming. Same scenario, except this time the kid said, "I had a dream daddy died." At this point, the parents are scared, so they hatch a plan to make sure the dad didn't die. The next morning, the dad got up, ate breakfast, and went to work, being very careful and scared on the road. He made it to his office, and locked himself in. He waited a until midnight before coming home, exhausted but alive. They were both happy, but the dad asked, "did anything happened while I was gone?" The mother said, "Yeah, didn't you hear? The mailman was delivering and got run over by a truck and died!"
The protests in Hong Kong have been continuous for 120 days, proving the country does not belong to China
Because nothing made in China has ever lasted more than a week.
What’s red and smells?
Rudolph's nose.
One cow asks another cow, “Are you afraid of mad cow disease?”
The other cow says, “Why should I be? I’m a helicopter.”
NSFW Ive never killed a mountain lion with my bare hands.
But ive choked a few cougars.
The new employee.
This guy just started at his new job, working at an adult shop. His boss comes out and tells him that he has to leave for a while, and "can you handle it? " The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with the boss's positive comments he finally agrees. So, the guy is there by himself for a little while and a white woman comes in. She asks, "How much for the white dildo?" He answers, "$35." She: "How much for the black one?" He: "$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one." She: "I think I'll take the black one. I've never had a black one before. "She pays him, and off she goes. A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks "How much for the black dildo? He: "$35." She: "How much for the white one?" He: "$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one." She: "Hmmm…I think I'll take the white one. I've never had a white one before…"She pays him, and off she goes. About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How much are your dildos?" He: "$35 for the white, $35 for the black." She: "Hmmmmm….how much is that plaid one on the shelf?" He: "Well, that's a very special dildo…it'll cost you $165." She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the plaid one, I've never had a plaid one before…." She pays him, and off she goes. Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I was gone?" To which the salesman says, "I think I did good, I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165!"
Why can’t miss piggy count to 100?
Because when she reaches 69 she gets a frog in her throat.
Why does a mathematician eat 9 times everyday?
So that he has 3 squared meals per day
A frog goes into a bank
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday." Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?" The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone." Edit: Woohoo!!! My most upvoted post ever! Thanks everyone. Hope you are coping through the Covid-19 challenge. Good luck out there.
Why do nurses need red crayons?
Because sometimes they have to draw blood.
My son asked me where pooh came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
A little perplexed he stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and then asked, “and tigger?”
Uuhhhhh someone messed up
https://ift.tt/2Ztrunc
Me: You made a mean cup of coffee!
Her: So, you like it? Me: I just told you it was average.
Why can’t you hear a pterosaur go to the bathroom?
Because the p is silent.
Guys, to be frank
I would have to change my name.
Did you know the first French fries weren’t actually cooked in France?
They were cooked in Greece.
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign language
If you boil a funny bone….
It becomes a laughing stock
Two guys are digging to the center of the world.
Eventually one guys looks over and sees the other is just standing there holding a pole. "Wears your shovel?" "Yeah, it sure does."
Opinion: Dad jokes shouldn’t be painful.
Except for the punchline.
Machine learning: “I’m as intelligent as human beings”. Also machine learning:
https://ift.tt/36gtLDH
Student: Are well and actually both one syllable words
Teacher: Well yes , but actually no
OK.
What genius decided to call it Erectile Dysfunction and not Ballzheimer's?
If I had 50 cents for every time I failed a math test,
I'd have $7.20 right now.
Man with authority walks into a bar…
…and orders everyone a round.
I accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach
and now I'm the proud owner of aisle 4.
Damn girl, are you a toaster?
Because a bath with you would send me to heaven.
Innovative Solutions
In order to streamline my work from home process, I’ve hired my cat as a part-time advisor.User: My laptop won’t connect to the VPN.Me: Consults my advisorMe: Have you tried pushing it off of the table and onto the floor?
My friend and I started a business where we weigh tiny objects.
It’s a small scale operation.
Once i told a hammer joke
I nailed it.
