I took a bath with bubbles
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What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don't know and I don't care.
A guy with bad gas goes to the doctor
He says “doc, you gotta help me. I can’t stop farting. It’s the weirdest thing, they don’t smell, and there’s no sound, but they won’t stop. I’ve farted 5 times while telling you this and see, you didn’t even notice” The doc writes him a prescription and says “take this and come back in a week. A week later the guy comes back and says “Doc, those pills didn’t stop the farts. All they did was make them smell terrible. I can hardly stand it” The doctor replied “Good. Now that your sinuses are cleared up let’s work on your hearing”
A woman listen’s in on her 4 year old playing with his train set
“All those getting off, go on fuck off, and all those gettin on fucking hurry up” The woman smacks his bum and sends him upstairs till he’s learned his lesson. 2 hours later the boy comes back down, says sorry to his mum and carries on playing, Mum listens in: ”all those departing thank you for travelling with us and have a good day! All those boarding, mind the gap and have a safe journey!…And all those who are upset by the 2 hour delay, blame the fat cunt in the kitchen!
I don’t often tell Dad jokes…
But when I do, he usually laughs.
Did you know that you’re not supposed to make sick bird puns?
Apparently it's ill eagle.
A man and his wife are fast asleep in bed when the phone rings…
The man picks up, listens for a second and says, 'How the hell would I know, you idiot? I'm not a weatherman,' before slamming down the receiver. 'Who was that?' asks his wife. 'Wrong number. It was some jerk asking if the coast was clear.'
God: “I didn’t say trumpets would signal the end of the world.”
"I said Trump/Pence."
Balls..
A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, but the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, "Ah, Señor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A real delicacy!" The cowboy said, "What the heck, bring me an order." The waiter replied, "I am so sorry, Señor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy." The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday." The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Señor. Sometimes the bull wins."
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson
When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $285…
That's why, in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.
Deadly dad that provides and a protective mother that nurtures.
Deadly dad that provides and a protective mother that nurtures.
I’m gonna start a cocaine delivery service
I'll call it instagram
A new patient arrived at a mental hospital.
A doctor came to greet him. "Good morning, sir. What's your name?", the doctor asked. "I am John F. Kennedy", the patient replied. "Oh, well I believe you'll fit in here quite well. We have a lot of former presidents at our hospital." "I'm not a president. I'm an airport."
I just found out where Captain Hook got its hook
He got it from a second-hand store
Why did the hipster drown?
He went ice skating before it was cool
My teacher says I’m pretty good at addition but I’m terrible at subtraction.
I don't get the difference.
Don’t buy anything with Velcro on it.
It’s a total rip-off!
The young assistant got fired from the butchers shop, I asked why…..
The butcher replied “I caught him with his dick in the bacon slicer!” “Oh!” I replied, “what did you do with the bacon slicer?” “I fired her as well!” said the Butcher.
What’s the difference between inlaws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.
When I caught my neighbor attaching a rocket engine to a deer, I immediately reported him to the authorities.
Shame on him for trying to make a quick buck.
For Halloween I’ve got a job making plastic Draculas
There's only two of us working here so I have to make every second count.
I once walked in on my teachers having sex
Being homeschooled was never easy for me
What do baby parabolas drink?
Quadratic Formula! Maybe this is more of a mom joke… Edit: this isn’t my joke. I thought this sub might enjoy it though
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
"Yes, we arson."
America should go 4 years with no president after this term ends.
Taking some time to be single after an abusive relationship is really important.
What do you call the security outside of a Samsung Store?
Guardians of the Galaxy.
My wife tripped and dropped the basket of clothes she had just ironed.
I watched it all unfold.
A university student wanted to sit next to his professor at break time.
However, the teacher regarded the student with a haughty face and said: “A dove should not be friends with a donkey.” “Then I shall fly on” the student replied with a cheeky smile. The teacher was clearly annoyed by the cheeky reply and decided to make sure to do everything in his power to fail the student in his exams. In the oral exam, he gave the student the hardest questions, but the student had incredible answers for everything. Therefore, hoping he could still fail his victim, the teacher asked him a trickier question: “You’re walking on a road and you find two bags. One contains gold, the other cleverness. Which bag do you choose?” “The gold.” “I don’t agree. I would choose cleverness, because that’s more important than money.” “Everyone would choose what they don’t have” says the student. The teacher turns red, and he is so outraged he writes “ass” on the student’s paper. The student leaves without looking at the paper. However, he returns shortly, gives back his paper and says: “Excuse me sir, you did sign my paper, but you forgot to give my grade!”