I took a tub of ketchup into the sea today
Dude 1: “Bro can you pass me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure.”
Realizing you just fucked up 5 hours of work on a PCR with one pipetting error
https://ift.tt/2Q6v69U
Telltale games is closing down.
'No matter what choices were made the outcome was going to be the same' said a spokesman
A man tells his friend, “I know a guy who has a small dick and sounds like an owl.”
His friend asks, "Who?"
If you put your left shoe on the wrong foot
then it is on the right foot
A new Navy recruit has just been assigned to his first submarine…
He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post. "Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope." The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by. "Son I'm changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes." The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He's cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again. "Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters." The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes. "Hey there," says the recruit. "is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven't kept one position for more than 15 minutes!" The crewman says "Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts."
I hope Death is a woman.
That way it will never come for me.
Why did the weightlifter start losing IQ points?
Because he kept hanging out with dumbbells.
My teenager took his driving test today and managed to get 8 out of 10.
The remaining 2 jumped out of the way.
If you really think about it condoms are just sonblock.
No text found
At dinner, my parents told me that they always thought about having another child.
I said, “I would have loved to have a brother or a sister.” They said, “That’s not what we meant.”
What do you call a horse who doesn’t listen to its’ rider?
A neigh-sayer. 😛
I was accused of being a plagiarist.
Their words, not mine.
There are two types of people in this world
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data,
What’s a narcoleptic’s favorite country?
Hibernation
A slice of apple pie is $2.00 in Jamaica, and $2.50 in the Bahamas.
These are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean.
What video game system does Homer Simpson play?
Ninten-doh!
I used to hate facial hair.
But then it grew on me.
How do you know if an ant is a male or a female?
They're all females, otherwise they'd be uncles
I was out shopping tonight, when I saw a new brand of condoms called, “Olympic.” Trying to get in to the spirit of things, I bought a pack and when I got home, I sprinted in singing the Olympic theme song and proudly showed them to my wife…
"Olympic condoms!?" she asked. "What makes them so special? Are we only going to use them once every four years?!" Chuckling, I replied, "No,no! You see, there are three colors, Gold, Silver and Bronze!" "What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asked cheekily. "Gold of course!" I said proudly. She retorted, "Really?! Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!"
There was a kidnapping at my sons school
It's ok though, he woke up.
I bought my wife a Pug as a present.
Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes and rolls of fat, the dog seems to like her.
Why aren’t all oceans one depth?
They’re inconsistent seas.
How do you cut the ocean in half?
A sea-saw…
Is it okay to peek into your neighbor’s house if you are still technically in your own property?
Personally I’m on the fence.
A young muslim boy asks his dad ” what are you wearing on your head?”
The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.” "And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy. “Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father “It is very simple. This is a 'djbellah.' As I have told you, in the desert it is not only very hot, but the sand is always blowing. My djbellah protects the entire body." The son then asked: "But Father, what about those ugly shoes you have on your feet?” "These are 'babouches' my son,” the father replied. You must understand that although the desert sands are very beautiful, they are also extremely hot. These babouches keep us from burning our feet." Son asks " what is that black tent mom and sister are wearing ?" Father :" It's called a burkha , it helps the hot desert sand from hitting the face during a sandstorm" . "So tell me then," added the boy. "Yes, my son…” "Why are we living in Birmingham and still wearing all this shit?
What genre are national anthems?
Country music.
What’s the main use of leather in the world?
Holding cows together
A time traveler walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here.” A time traveler walks into a bar.